Schizophrenia.com

The head circus tour (very odd one for me)

#1

Sorry everyone but this has been in my head for a while. It’s why I like my voices and why I want to keep them. They help me navigate my head.

The door into my head is just beside my left temple above my left ear. That was were one of the electrodes was placed when I had ECT. That created the door into my head.

from there, you will find a 10 lane highway that merges down in to one lane leading to my mouth. Everything is stuck in a constant traffic jam. That’s why I write better then I talk. On the side of the road is my panic man walking up and down the highway panicking. As long as I leave him there, I’m fine.

Just above the highway is another door to my piano room. Half of it is bombed out and the piano is in need of tuning. It’s a dark and scary room with warped mirrors and it smells like a house fire. The Hypnotist lives in there and tries to use the piano to get my attention so I’ll listen to him.

Next to his room is the circus tent. The little girl lives in the circus and it’s not a good place. It is a dark and twisted circus where the clowns are many and the animals are sad and the smell is sickening. It’s a long forgotten and rotten circus that has been left to grow dark and ugly. It’s were the nightmares come from. The music is dizzying and the air is dark and thick. I try to avoid the circus these days. It’s getting smaller. Each time I see the tent, it’s smaller then before. I run past it, hoping not to get sucked in…

I keep going into the next room. The forest room where there is always a light fog. The Observer/ Commentator is lost in there and tries to follow me and get me lost as well. But he hasn’t been around lately and I haven’t been getting as lost as I used to. I can get through that forest fog in my head a lot sooner and come out to the next room…

That room is the outdoor room. It’s the tranquility in my head. It’s the strong cliff over looking the clear azure sea. The cliff holds a vineyard of black berry vines and the morning dew has lightly covered the field as the sun rises and a light ocean breeze gently pushes the vines back and forth.

The are no voices there, only silence and calm and warmth and fresh black berries in morning dew. Once I get in there I hate leaving. But that little corner of calm has grown. I’ve pushed the edges and made it bigger. I picture that calm expanding in my head. I’ve tried to make more space for the calm and serenity.

I’m think I’m managing it. When I do have to leave my head, I travel back towards the panic man and take the turn into the ocean room. It’s all under water and everything sounds muted. Nothing is scary there and it looks just like my fish tank. I swim to the door, go up the little ladder and I usually exit out of the small hatch just above my right ear.

That is the ear I usually hear my name being called in this lucid reality. James? James? Can you hear me? Then I’m out of my head and find myself in my living room with a cup of tea. It’s usually my turn and my kid sis is hoping to beat me at Scrabble. I can’t let that happen.

Thank you for taking this head circus tour.

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#2

You write very well and looks as you have compartmentalized your mind nicely to different rooms. smile

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#3

I LOVE this. I’ve never heard anyone describe their mind in such a detailed and vividly descriptive way.

If I was your psych nurse, you’d be my favorite patient!

Blessings,

Anthony

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#4

Wow, I really felt like I was on a tour. The piano room and the circus tent are scary. I’m glad the circus tent is getting smaller and the outdoor room is getting bigger. :ocean: This post took me a minute to ponder :smile:

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#5

Thank you for that…

That’s what I’m working on… trying to make the circus tent and the piano room smaller, clear the fog forest and make the tranquility vineyard bigger. It’s like “This Old House” only it’s “This Old Head” … head renovation.

I’d like Norm Abram to put up some shelves so I can better organize. :wink:

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#6

that was an amazing tour inside your head :slight_smile:

I could almost see your thoughts running along inside it haha and I think the fact that the circus tent has gotten smaller has some meaning and that the calm area has gotten bigger is great,

from the way you described your psyche it sounds very positive :slight_smile: :star2:

so you must be doing something right :thumbsup:

keep it up

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#7

You have an awesome way of describing things so that others can actually picture it too. I know a couple of people have said that they would read a book if you wrote it and I completely agree. Your words have a way of pulling the reader into what you are describing so that we can see what you see.

Thank you for sharing your head circus and I’m glad your vineyard is getting bigger.

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#8

Totally agree Barbie. I also think James could be a very successful author!

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#9

I know I promised, but it fills my heart to read this. :relieved:

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#10

i was seeing a movie reading your words, like a tim burton film.
i was imagining johney depp playing your role ’ SurprisedJ ’ , and it was like a light and dark ’ alice in wonderland ’ adventure…i liked it, very surreal…i like the inside of your head…slightly dark…slightly scary…but with a happy ending !!
take care

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#11

One of the early times when I wrote out my head tour, the piano room was a huge room inside the all consuming circus tent and the air smelled like unkept stables and burnt cotton candy tinged with sulfur.

The traffic jam was a full on traffic collision with people bleeding and crying.

The cliff had no tranquility connected to it. The cliff was cold and barren and a thick fog covered every thing as people screamed for help in the black churning ocean below. There was no hatch that easily let me out.

I’m pretty happy with how my head has been turning out so far. Reading back on how it used to be makes me see that I’ve come a long way. Sorry to say this if it sound’s to self ego… but

Yeah… :star2: for me.

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#12

What great images and travel adventures I get as I read about your head circus…I can relate… I have several voices/ beings that I communicate with when I’m awake. And mostly when I paint and collage the knowledge that these beings give me… The voices, I call the voices my Ve Ve doctors. They tell me what to paint, and what collage cut- outs to use in my paintings. I am a messenger from God. I’ve been painting out these messages since I was 3 years old. I’m now 60 years old. I call my paintings, Painted Prayers. This is my devotion to God.

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#13

i cant describe my thoughts like that, the only way i can describe my thoughts is when i am doing poetry,
i think you would make an excellent poet @SurprisedJ you have a way with words and thats all you need

i have a thought and i just run with it, sometimes i have a thought within a thought as well, i love writing, i just wish i could write some more, it is such a great creative outlet, i bet you’d make an excellent poet lol.

take care x

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