I only hear a few words from mine late at night sometimes, and usually if its time for my medication. Maybe like one hallucination an hour after dark. They are the same three voices, a female bitchy NSA agent making fun of me, a male ■■■■■■■ NSA agent trying to make me feel inferior, and then 17 year old me who was planning on becoming a military officer, before schizophrenia, hell even before I had ever smoked a cigarette or weed. 17 year old me was the voice of reason and I sometimes miss that voice. But this is all because my meds work and I take them multiple times a day with food like I am supposed to, before meds I was so distracted by my voices that I hardly spoke and was asocial, just didn’t care for others.
For example, I was at a bar at 1230am with some friends, a very popular and busy bar and I had taken my meds with dinner two hours earlier and when I walked into the bar I heard the male voice loudly ask “Did you take your medication?” and the rest of the night I was fine, then I heard the 17 year old me voice say something about “sober” which makes sense, as I was the designated driver and had only one beer with a friend at dinner that night.
I read an article my mom showed me about voices in the US and England being evil while voices in third world countries are benign and make schizophrenics happy and praised as shamans, ect.
I used to go into fits of rage or panic when my voices got really bad. I am on a blood pressure medication which keeps my heart rate and blood pressure down, I am on a hefty extended-release dose of it to keep me from going berserk out of anger and breaking things (which happened) or vomiting, sweating and having diarrhea out of fear and anxiety (which also happened). I am also on xanax to keep me from thinking about everything as a problem and getting drunk to forget- I have a strong case of generalized anxiety disorder and I take 1mg of xanax every 6-7 hours and it just makes me not worry, it doesnt make me sleepy or high, without it I end up screaming while driving and screaming in the shower.
I am just fine on my medications but I am royally ■■■■■■ without them, as you can see. It has been a long time since I was unmedicated, over a year now, and I have only missed a dose of only one of my meds once, and it was ugly, I was back to screaming in the shower “I hate you” and “make it stop”.
I think the problem with me is that I actually have a bad case, my medications just work like charms but my antipsychotic does make me sleep a lot and sometimes take naps, I also drink a lot of caffeine, I am drinking a double cup of coffee right now, I dont have the energy to make breakfast without caffeine.
I am all better today- I have been better for a year and it is rather obvious to people who know me and saw the whole thing happen, my descent and recovery, and to people I meet, they think I am kidding when I tell them I have schizophrenia. They see a clean-shaven, very muscular and intelligent young man and that is not what they think when they hear the word “schizophrenic”- they think of a homeless person talking to themselves who hasnt bathed or shaved in a month.
I never quit functioning academically when I was psychotic, I stayed in school and made A’s and B’s, but it was absolute hell and every second I just wanted to scream in agony. I had one friend, a drinking buddy, I would hangout with him and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend quit often. I quit hearing voices when I reached a certain level of drunk and so alcohol was a huge part of my life when I was 19.
I moonlighted my drunk days with that old friend at a party in February- several of my friends got together and one of my friends was the designated driver- so I bought a case of beer for myself and got hammered with my old friend who hanged out with me while I was psychotic. We joked about how I used to drink twice as much. I had a terrible hangover the next day and decided to never do that again. It was a house party hosted by a friend I met in a class and I think I accidentally spilled the beans about my evaluation results when I was drunk, I do remember talking to him and his girlfriend and them being taken back my something I said. I just cant remember what I said- I have a pretty ugly past so it could have anything.
Now I dont hear voices 99% of the time and I don’t drink more than one drink. I recently quit smoking, I am using the gum to quit. It’s been over two weeks and I already feel like I never want to smoke again. I have urges to, but I then think of how nasty it is and how it sucks to step outside every 45 minutes and I just dont smoke.
One night when I smoked weed (peer pressure) and forgot my meds (I had just started meds and didnt believe in them, they take a while to work) I heard my voices loudly for 12 hours. It was complete hell, it made me psychotic and angry. I didnt sleep at all, was still angry in the morning, went to the powerlifting gym and did something really stupid, tore a muscle and pulled two other muscles. This was over a year ago on like my second week of medication, it takes some meds a while to work.