Schizophrenia.com

The nature of my voices

Continuing the discussion from The head circus tour (very odd one for me):

I have ONE that will up set me and is hard to fight off and makes me agitated. (The tiny girl)

The others are fairly benign. They chatter about food, repeat what people said over and over, make up little rhymes and repeat over and over, they jump my topic and will free associate. Or they will read out what I’m reading.

The panic man just yells… “danger, that is danger… it’s danger, danger”

But so few of my voices will accuse me or insult me anymore. When I’m not doing well my voices will beat me up… on a normal day… they are just coffee shop chatter and they are getting easier to ignore.

How are others doing?

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I’m sorry to hear about the negative voices, I can’t imagine hearing someone criticizing me all day.
I wonder why most voices turn aggressive over time? I don’t have SZ but just left my bf because I could not handle (and tolerate) his violence towards me.

For me… I noticed my voices turned aggressive when my self confidence faded away completely. I felt like a looser, I was so far behind in life… I was loosing friends… so my voices started echoing that I was a looser… worthless.

But I’ve worked hard to turn that around, with help, meds, CBT, family support…

As I’ve gotten stronger… the negative goes away…

The tiny girl isn’t negative as much as she’s overly sexually explicit. It really makes my stomach turn. I’m working through that one.

If my voices are me… and it’s all me in there… and my head is trying to knit “small 6 year old girl” and “sexually explicit” together… it makes me very ill with myself.

With therapy… it’s getting better and I don’t hear her that often anymore. I’m feeling internally healthier. (if that makes any sense.)

I hope I didn’t shock anyone with this one.

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My voices (2 male ones) tell me I’m making things up. They yell NOOOO! When I try talking about them. Somehow writing is okay. I don’t think they can read. :wink:

I have a small tea party in my head sometimes. Chatter. What they say doesn’t make sense to me. They talk in different languages sometimes English, sometimes Swedish. Finnish I have only heared when I’m going to sleep. It’s really bad in the evening. Better in the morning.

I have a child too. He screams in terror and calls for me. It is really bothering me because I get annoyed that my son calls for me all the time. But he doesn’t. It’s the child.

Male voices whisper my name. I hate it.

I have answered the voices at work, believing it was my coworker or a customer talking to me. I blame the radio.

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Mind control machine…

This?

“The little girl lives in the circus and it’s not a good place. It is a dark and twisted circus where the clowns are many and the animals are sad and the smell is sickening. It’s a long forgotten and rotten circus that has been left to grow dark and ugly. It’s were the nightmares come from. The music is dizzying and the air is dark and thick.”

I think I’ve met her grown up. dark tunnel like place, metallic tunnels …no clowns, but people having a party and playing music… it is dark and twisted and the girl wanted ‘love’ there was laughing there that echoed and was quite demonic, like it spouted from the bowels of hell. the music however was pretty good and i was able to change words and manipulate it. the music was heavy goth style and repetitive.

If I left the room this experience happened in and went to the bathroom right next to it I would be met by the agent man who spoke in a dry monotone voice about science and how electronic mind control works. I later learned what he told me was true, though I had not known it before.

When i went back to the bedroom the whole experience shifted back to the metallic tunnels and music with the girl running the show…she was the opposite of the agent guy, she was full of emotion and liked to trick me with lies and accusations, then be nice and say she loved me. She didn’t talk about science or physics like the guy did…she seemed more like a party animal with a dark side.

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I only hear a few words from mine late at night sometimes, and usually if its time for my medication. Maybe like one hallucination an hour after dark. They are the same three voices, a female bitchy NSA agent making fun of me, a male ■■■■■■■ NSA agent trying to make me feel inferior, and then 17 year old me who was planning on becoming a military officer, before schizophrenia, hell even before I had ever smoked a cigarette or weed. 17 year old me was the voice of reason and I sometimes miss that voice. But this is all because my meds work and I take them multiple times a day with food like I am supposed to, before meds I was so distracted by my voices that I hardly spoke and was asocial, just didn’t care for others.

For example, I was at a bar at 1230am with some friends, a very popular and busy bar and I had taken my meds with dinner two hours earlier and when I walked into the bar I heard the male voice loudly ask “Did you take your medication?” and the rest of the night I was fine, then I heard the 17 year old me voice say something about “sober” which makes sense, as I was the designated driver and had only one beer with a friend at dinner that night.

I read an article my mom showed me about voices in the US and England being evil while voices in third world countries are benign and make schizophrenics happy and praised as shamans, ect.

I used to go into fits of rage or panic when my voices got really bad. I am on a blood pressure medication which keeps my heart rate and blood pressure down, I am on a hefty extended-release dose of it to keep me from going berserk out of anger and breaking things (which happened) or vomiting, sweating and having diarrhea out of fear and anxiety (which also happened). I am also on xanax to keep me from thinking about everything as a problem and getting drunk to forget- I have a strong case of generalized anxiety disorder and I take 1mg of xanax every 6-7 hours and it just makes me not worry, it doesnt make me sleepy or high, without it I end up screaming while driving and screaming in the shower.

I am just fine on my medications but I am royally ■■■■■■ without them, as you can see. It has been a long time since I was unmedicated, over a year now, and I have only missed a dose of only one of my meds once, and it was ugly, I was back to screaming in the shower “I hate you” and “make it stop”.

I think the problem with me is that I actually have a bad case, my medications just work like charms but my antipsychotic does make me sleep a lot and sometimes take naps, I also drink a lot of caffeine, I am drinking a double cup of coffee right now, I dont have the energy to make breakfast without caffeine.

I am all better today- I have been better for a year and it is rather obvious to people who know me and saw the whole thing happen, my descent and recovery, and to people I meet, they think I am kidding when I tell them I have schizophrenia. They see a clean-shaven, very muscular and intelligent young man and that is not what they think when they hear the word “schizophrenic”- they think of a homeless person talking to themselves who hasnt bathed or shaved in a month.

I never quit functioning academically when I was psychotic, I stayed in school and made A’s and B’s, but it was absolute hell and every second I just wanted to scream in agony. I had one friend, a drinking buddy, I would hangout with him and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend quit often. I quit hearing voices when I reached a certain level of drunk and so alcohol was a huge part of my life when I was 19.

I moonlighted my drunk days with that old friend at a party in February- several of my friends got together and one of my friends was the designated driver- so I bought a case of beer for myself and got hammered with my old friend who hanged out with me while I was psychotic. We joked about how I used to drink twice as much. I had a terrible hangover the next day and decided to never do that again. It was a house party hosted by a friend I met in a class and I think I accidentally spilled the beans about my evaluation results when I was drunk, I do remember talking to him and his girlfriend and them being taken back my something I said. I just cant remember what I said- I have a pretty ugly past so it could have anything.

Now I dont hear voices 99% of the time and I don’t drink more than one drink. I recently quit smoking, I am using the gum to quit. It’s been over two weeks and I already feel like I never want to smoke again. I have urges to, but I then think of how nasty it is and how it sucks to step outside every 45 minutes and I just dont smoke.

One night when I smoked weed (peer pressure) and forgot my meds (I had just started meds and didnt believe in them, they take a while to work) I heard my voices loudly for 12 hours. It was complete hell, it made me psychotic and angry. I didnt sleep at all, was still angry in the morning, went to the powerlifting gym and did something really stupid, tore a muscle and pulled two other muscles. This was over a year ago on like my second week of medication, it takes some meds a while to work.

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But do any of you also hear encouraging voices?

I do. I have Michelle, a female voice. She is nice to me and encourages me to do things.

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my voices are arseholes. they threaten to break my neck and leave me teraplegic, choke me, give me strokes in the broccas and wernickes areas, give me a heart attack, rape me both anally and vaginally, crash my car, push me down the stairs, kill me with a screw driver, then put the blood stained implement in my son’s hand while he’s sleeping…the list goes on and on. they are a mixture of famous people, soldiers and family and dead people. mine is one of the worst cases of hearing voices i’ve ever come across and i have upwards of 200 of them. i used to believe i was telepathic with all these people but not anymore. xxx

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Yes, the angel Ariel has spoken to me in various guises over the years. They are shapeshifters they are…even in the Bible angels appear in different forms but are the same angel.
Ariel has also manifest as Arien from Tolkiens legendarium (Much of his work is visionary and based on ancient faerie beliefs…), and Aine of the Tuatha D’Dannan

i spiced this one up a bit with the colors, but she is actually blonde in this manifestation, with pale olive skin…

Some of her words from 2003

“When you look through glass it is clear. When you look through still water you see clearly what is below. When you look through the sky you see what is beyond it in distance. Yet each of these things has a substance, some solid, some fluid, some ether. It has measurable substance, though it is clear and you can see through it as if it were not there. So too it is with our worlds.
Our worlds exist in the realm of unseen substance. You can see through our worlds as we see through yours, excepting when our vision of mind is tuned to see, to view the world beyond our own, and in some events to visit one with another, ethereally and physically.
Only a small change in the molecular vibration, the workings of sub-elemental particles, allows the perception of extradimensional substance.
Choosing to believe is an act of will. Choosing to open the gate to the voice crying outside will allow you to see the visitor who calls. Yet if you leave the gate closed and the curtain drawn, you will only hear, and you will never see who has come to your gates.
Realize then that in the depths of the loneliest places, you are in the company of a multitude.”

Note the writing on her garment in the 2nd drawing. Compare it to the writing at the top of this pic, from Plutos Moon Charon (allegedly) in Nasa Atlas of the Solar System… the 2 samples of writing at the bottom I did in 1999 and 2003…but what’s strange is in 1999 I was taken in an astral vision to…Charon…I had never seen the book before and you need to really magnify the picture to spot the symbols…

I have other drawings not scanned where the symbols are more block and not as fancy, looking pretty much identical to the black and white images at top here…

My ‘voices’ if you want to call them that come from living beings, celestial beings. they also tend to prove themselves.

These are not a color pic from a moon, LOL…these are on me, done in the winter of 2000

Engage her in extreme intellectual conversation…you can also point out that she lives only in a machine and is angry because she wants so much to be human…tell her to stop feeding on fear, hate and spite…seek love and learn emotion…she may want to be challenged and broken. most humans she contacts do not rise to her level so she will just be a tricky nasty thing until someone can go head to head with her mind…

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I do have an encouraging voice. It’s the voice I used to call, “The good doctor” and that voice use to sort of pop in and help calm me down and talk rational sense to me during a hard time.

It was probably just my own self trying to calm myself down… but it came out as a man who has a very even voice that would be very logical and calming.

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