Have you ever scared yourself with your work? I wrote something the other day and I just can’t get over it. I’m nervous, jumpy, and sometimes just feel plain old scared.
One of my characters is sz and demons were coming after his wife. They were all in his head because he’d stopped taking his meds. He got really scared (of course). If they didn’t kill her they would kill him. At the last possible second he jumped up and told them to leave her alone. They turned on him and started to rip his body apart.
I know that he’s going to wake up, that he’s going to be ok. It’s my story so I know but I’m just so scared. I feel like I’ve unlocked something deep, hidden and dark within myself and it makes me feel unspeakable nervous. It’s hard for me to concentrate on other parts of the story that don’t even involve my sz character. I don’t even want to touch my computer at all but I feel like I’m going to feel like this forever and I need to just go ahead and keep going.
Has this ever happened to you?
How did you get over it?
The voices can’t kill you by themselves or make you do anything really unless they convince you to do it to yourself which is very possible when you think they are real. I have been most scared when I write something in public expressing a dark desire to harm someone else or myself. We all have intense imaginations and when we are psychotic and the voices can be really scary but the rest of the World is most concerned when we are a danger to ourselves or others. In spite of the fact that the voices may not care about us most people are not going to tell you to jump off a building. In a way that’s comforting.
I’ve come up with ideas that truly frightened me. For instance I thought of an idea for a novel about an intelligence agency that attempts to recruit a young man by putting a curse on his soul.
But I try to just write about things I enjoy. Like my bizarre, kinky fantasies. My stories generally stink.
sounds like breakthroughs… when something feels that significant it is often Schiz
but having said that i found a real human truth the other day - but i checked it out - others feel that way, and it’s just a way of thinking about life and death, it’s not anything big, or probably even universal
but when even slightly unwell the most significant thing i do or think or write is always mixed with a splash of paranoia…
just something weird and undefinable in a way - a friend called it like a dark egg in us all at the centre of everything - which is the same as I thought of it - like a seed of a single cell where life started and where the eternal will take us back to - like the root of all evil is life or like the one evil - like the apple and serpent i guess. The one unacceptable thing which i have always thought was really unacceptable about myself - my own root of all evil is that life had a beginning and is now and it will end - like the tree of life i guess.
makes the genesis story really beautiful and essential looking at it like that - don’t know why it never occurred to me before
I suppose the snake could be like the ■■■■■ or the umbilical chord or sperm at the same time, but essentially i think it’s the evil
okay so i know that is not very well defined but it’s early
I’m sure I was supposed to grasp this as a teenager
I’ve written things that scared other people. Maybe I should have been scared by it too. Sometimes my conversation can get a little disturbing when I am not on my med’s. One Thanksgiving family was at our house and they were sitting around making nice conversation while I was pacing back and forth fuming about death and destruction. That got me commited.
This is my “companion”. Other people ind “him” frightening, and “he” can be, but I love “him”. I paint many angels that I see and sense. Some of them have really touched people and those people buy those paintings. I feel they’ve done some good. We may have schizophrenia, with all its ugly symptoms, but many of us have gifts that can touch the lives of others. Embrace your creativity.
@Msea, put your paintings out there and you never know what might happen. I believe each of my angels belongs to someone as I paint them. You don’t know what your paintings are for until then. I’d love to see one on here
Thankyou! That painting is acrylic. I mostly work in oils now bc they dry so slow and I can manipulate the surface longer. What kind of mediums do you use? Do you feel happy when you paint or kind of rejuvinated?
