When I was first attacked by demons I was scared, but also ashamed. They told me that I was disgusting, full of sin and therefore I belonged to Satan. They told me that I was going to become pregnant with Satan’s child. I was mortified. How could I tell anyone that? I spent hours alone in my room struggling with demons, trying to rebuke them, self-harming, praying/speaking in tongues and crying… Outside, I was withdrawn at school but became completely devoted to church. I didn’t want to be evil so I tried to cleanse myself by being the best, most devoted Christian. I had been friends with kids who were rebellious. We drank and we smoked, stealing the cigarettes from the market and the alcohol from our parents. I cut these kids off. Completely. No explanation, nothing, because I believed I had to…
Eventually, I became seriously suicidal and more violent with myself. I did tell my mom finally some of what I was struggling with, but she just looked shocked and said " I always thought you could take care of yourself." So I never talked about it with her again.
It was between God and me at that point. No human could help me. No human wanted to help me. I didn’t belong to this human race. I was a spiritual being who became only interested in spiritual answers to my struggle.
That was the beginning of literally a life long alternative experience/reality that is my life.
dear @Hedgehog I cannot express how sad I am for you. If you would only listen to reason and get on an AP?? I know how tortured the schizophrenic mind is and I am sure your mind is exhausted. give yourself a break. get on meds please.
I am tired. I need help. You know I’m scared, @jukebox. I don’t believe meds would help though. I believe they would make me worse. No offense to anyone here but there are so many accounts of meds messing people up. And the doctors don’t care…
No one cares enough to help me. They would make it worse and not care…
I need therapy again.
Please don’t be offended. I do need help, but it’s just me.
Why don’t you take meds? They work. I am living proof? No need to suffer unneedlessly.
Meds haven’t worked for me I need surgery now because of them and maybe have sugar diabetes which I’m getting checked soon.
They just want to disappoint you from Merci of supreme god, they are nothing in compare with human will and Merci of god, they tortured me a lot but I was never afraided of them, my only agony was being separated from my beloved, my god, good people, my agony was because of not being able to love anymore, don’t be afraided of them cause they are afraided of me:yellow_heart:
Yea they are spirits what I have learnt is that if you shut out bad influences from people tv computer music etc things get better and you will find some peace. You have to not harm yourself there are rules that you have to make and live by if you are going to get through this. You can also stop things like imaginations pictured or bad ideas if you feel like you can’t do this is only because of the power of these demons learn and overcome love yourself.
No more smoking no more drinking or drugs that will help prana mana chi what ever you study let that good air in and practise breathing and feel the strength it’s good for the soul breath of life like in the bible.
in my play, the person who struggles with demons
goes through kids games like duck duck goose and ring around the rosy and London bridge
they all hold hands and then squeeze each others hands and demons pass away
I’m trying to make it “Return to Innocence”
I reached a point in my life where I was on a quest for enlightenment. So I picked up the bible and read it word for word cover to cover at least one chapter a day. Took me almost two years. Strangely enough that’s when my symptoms first started and things got really weird. But I don’t blame God though. It is my belief the closer one gets to God the closer they also get to the devil or evil for that matter. That ■■■■ is real. Its like a war going on. I just wasn’t strong enough. But I did find that medication helps one back on the road of normalcy. And though it took about a year or two I finally began to successfully reintergrate myself as a productive member of society again. For that I am also thankful.
that’s not religion spliced with evil
that’s schizophrenia
huh?
My story is almost yours to a T when it comes to the demons. I’m glad you could overcome your fear as well. They are just voices blowing hot air at me now.
“The beginning of my now” is a great title. I feel like mine began about 6 months ago.
I haven’t smoked or drank since I was 13. I do gain comfort and strengthening from God. He’s the only one who has been 100% there for me when everyone else either abuses me or just let’s me down.
But He brought me to this place and I need to take everyone’s input seriously.
Your testimony really touched me, @808chris. That’s exactly where I was some years ago. I told God that I can’t evangelize anymore because the spiritual warfare was too intense and I needed a break, and to raise my son whom I never even wanted to learn about demons…
I’m haunted all the time. A lot of the time I even feel that I need my angel companion with me. I’m not interested in losing “him”, but it’s too intense, distracting and exhausting much of the time too.
I keep coming to this place of exhaustion and feel like maybe God wants me to do something.
After I posted this and got @jukebox reply, I had to get off the forum and just broke down for awhile.
I feel stuck, but something needs to happen.
Thanks for your testimony.
I don’t know what that would feel like, to not suffer anymore. What life would I have, who would I be then? Or would I trade one suffering for another?
I appreciate your input, @TomCat. I’m trying really hard to do something.
@Hedgehog I only wish you to be happy girl. You seem so tormented…I remember the endless questions and constant thinking when I was delusional…do yourself a favor tomorrow…after breakfast look up a psychiatrist. you will be on your way to a better you !!
The wrong medication will have unpleasant side effects. If you get on something that works for you it will help stop this. I couldn’t be close to God when I was symptomatic. I had science fiction type of delusions. It took medicine to get me back on my feet and into church. I hope you can find your way to a better outcome. Just keep at it with the meds. I’m sure you’ll find something. 
It begins as a depiction(s) of your experience of schizophrenia.
Then they are a constructed/perceived belief of reasoning in madness
Most likely because of the unmoralistic seen nature of this illness
When in reality tieing supernatural or spiritual beliefs/reasoning to a overactive imagination, can be a conflict and is not ideal, if one is trying to wake up from fantasy or a delusional manner of thinking. From personal experience, supernatural and spiritual beliefs in madness, caused a lot of havoc in my life.
@Hedgehog Its been written that god knows what you need before you even ask for it. As far as your struggles are concerned the best advise I could give you is to reread the book of Job and mayby even Matthew. You have been blessed with a child, Im very sure there is where your focus must be. Your child needs you to be healthy and be the best you can be! I was fifteen the first time I believe God spoke to me. He told me my girlfriend was pregnant before she broke the news to me. Before she knew. My response though was that I was going to beat here with a baseball batt unless she got an abortion. I did threaten her repeatedly and eventually persuaded her to get one and have regretted y actions and the decision ever since. Its a decision that I live with until this day. The next time God spoke to me, it was again clear as day, I just finished my bachelors degree and I was contemplationg what I should do with my life. The message was to become a priest. But I couldnt accept the idea of not having a wife though (Im catholic orthodox) so I told God hell no, I’m going to do something else, I’m going to become a genetic engineer. So I continued on my path and I was two years away from becoming a doctor when I decided to pick up the bible again, and study it in depth. I began to rubuke, judge and criticize what I read. During this time, symptoms of sz started. I would see spirits. I could began to see how they interacted with people and seemingly influenced decisons. It was nothing new to me, I remember first seeing it as a child watching someone die. Or when I was interning at the coroners office performing autopsies on children. But it became a recurrant thing, a distraction. They would appear at the worse times, like when I was changing lanes on the road, or doing something else dangerous and needed to concentrate. But I continued to rebuke the idea with pride. I then developed auditory hallucinations and could begin to hear them speak. They would say things exactly and before other peole would say them. I started completing peoples sentances for them and became estranged by it. I figured I was beginning to develop and open my third eye. That was cool and all but I figured that wasnt right and began to question the foundations of the relationship I was developing and feared what would become if the relationship went south for whatever reason. So that was the end of that. Then they became a nuicense and I quickly realized what I was turning to thinking it was from God was indeed not. Then I began to struggle with silence, thinking and rest and developed anxiety problems. The drugs the doctors gave me only made it worse, and I could begin to feel as they would brush up on me. The hair on my arms would raise, I would get goose bumps, the pallor of my skin would change and imprints would show.Likee I said, things got wierd. But at the same time some part of me knew that I was loosing my mind and I needed help. I decided to hospitalize myself, threw a party and got completly hammered then went in. Since I refused to take medication they gave me an injection of medication against my will. First it was a series of haldo then an AP called Invega Sustainia. its an effictive drug, I recommend it, It numbed me out enough that I was able to think clearer. I even decided to pray again. And I have been doing so well the doctors have decided to begin to ween me off the medication, and Im functing well. Wow Ive never spoke of any of this to anyone before. Not even to a doctor. This is wierd for me, but Im concerned about you. You see, I guess the point that I am trying to make is that SZ is a disease of perception. and perception is well based on beliefs.So it doesnt help that your religious, because not only are you struggling with your interpersonal battles there, and inbetwixed a war between worlds, but you’ve also acquired a disease. And the struggle with sz is there too. You’re spread out too thin. The only way to deal with a problems of such magnitude, is to attack them one at a time. Continue to be a good christian, but don’t get caught up in the battles there. You need to heal first. So as far as the suicidal tendicies are concerned just remember its the malificence getting the better of you. Belive me, making a decision to harm yourself is the last thing you would ever want to do. You can make it through this, I did, it just takes one step at a time. Dont get discerned, stay focused stay informed stay active. Remember relapse prevention is crucial as each relapse may result in the growth of residual symptoms. Make an apt with a doctor tomorrow. That drug is amazing, ive been on it for about 6-8 months. and Ive even been able to go back to school and get my paramedics license. Yeah the other struggle is still there. I have to battle with it, when im performing cpr on a person and stare it in the face when I defibulate them or as I put a tournaquit on them as their bleeding out and the fear of death kicks in and their screaming about the deamons were seeing. But hey, in the end it becomes just another day. Hope this finds you. Aloha from Hawaii.