Hi, all. I know everyone gets tired of the God posts on here, but this isn’t so muh about God as me dissecting my relationship with a voice I had which I thought was God for years. I’m still struggling over things related to it and putting it down here will help me sort it out. I also had a REALLY bad night last night which is semi-related, so I’ll get to that too.
Anyways I first started hearing “God” when I was a freshman in high school. And it was great. It was what I desperately needed at the time. He was kind, deeply loving and gentle. Patient and wise. I was struggling with countless things at the time and he helped me through each and every one of them. He was my guide, my protector, and the only being in the world I could trust and feel safe around. I pledged my life to him. He taught me to love and respect others and all life, and showed me the beauty in the world. When I was scared he filled me with warmth and light.
It was perfect. But things gradually began to change when I hit 17, which in the catholic church is the age where you are officially an adult. He began to get…picky. For example, I was now meant to call him the more respectful “Father” instead of the affectionate “Daddy” I used to call him. Whenever I said his name in vain he got…angry. Suddenly all these little things made him constantly angry with me. If I cursed on accident. If I went on certain websites on the internet. If I did anything that was even mildly occult, like play with my tarot cards. He’d get angry and I’d suddenly experience a run of bad luck. (When everything was good with him I had almost perfect luck…it was like I was literally getting everything I wanted…it caused me to become very delusional…)
I desperately wanted to please him, and I tried to do everything I could to stay on his good side. But he began to go away, for long periods of time. He’d just…disappear. It’s like I’d feel his warm presence, be able to speak with him, and then…nothing. He usually disappeared during my delusions, which I was aware of at that point. When I asked him why he did this, he said he didn’t want me to associate myself with things that weren’t real. I accepted that but sometimes those delusions were really hard and frightening, and I wished he would support me through them. ESPECIALLY with the demon attacks. I received no help or support through those AT ALL. It was very crushing for me. I didn’t understand why he would let that happen to me.
As time went on, his anger grew, my “transgressions” grew, and his period of absences increased. By the time I hit senior year of high school he was incredibly distant and our interactions were few and far between. He was furious with me, all the time. When I got into college I was constantly agonizing over his anger with me. I tried so hard but it was never good enough, I was never good enough. I didn’t go to church enough to spend time with him, I wasn’t selfless enough, I was too self-pitying, I wasn’t repaying him at all, I wasn’t following his requests perfectly. I hate to admit it, but it was basically an abusive relationship. So now I had TWO abusive relationships to deal with, a vicious demon and a God who I loved and desperately wanted to forgive me that I wasn’t good enough for.
It all ended when I realized that God’s constant anger was causing me to hate myself. I was drowning in guilt. I felt evil and unworthy. I felt disgusting. When I realized that I hated myself the other nigh, I thought about why, and the reason was that “God” had taught me to believe I should. And that just went against my whole idea of what God should be. My God was the loving, gentle and wise one I’d known in the beginning, not this persecutory, judgemental monster.
So I “broke up” with my God voice. It already barely spoke to me, so I don’t hear it at all anymore. A few other of my voices disappeared with it…but I feel like they could come back…maybe…anyways good riddens to that false God.
The only thing is, I am very lost now, spiruality wise. I feel as though I am starting my relationship with and beliefs about God from scratch. I never really knew God, it was just a nasty voice in my head that I didn’t recognize was nasty until now. So I’m going to keep searching for the true God, because I do believe in Him, and that He’s out there. I’m just not sure where to start…
Which brings me to last night. It’s like the demon knows I’m confused and shaken in my faith. I felt its presence when I was showering and it was trying to mess with my head. Then when I tried to go to sleep that night I felt its presence overwhelmingly. I did my best to block it out so I didn’t have to listen to it, but it’s SO STRONG. Any time I’d try to sleep my defenses would slip. When I tried calling out to the real God, it stopped trying to contact me and flat out attacked me. This went on all night, me fending it off and trying to not listen to it, and it pushing itself on me. It was really, really awful and I’ve been a mess all day. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to go to class, I don’t want to study, I just want all this to stop. I’m NEVER going to be able to have a normal relationship because of this thing, EVER. It TORTURES me.
Once I get the medication perscription I’ll see if it helps, but if it doesn’t than oh well. I found a way to break myself out of the harmful “God” relationship, now if I could just find an escape from this “Devil” relationship.
In addition, I do NOT mean for this to turn into some kind of argument over beliefs. I have mine and you have yours. This is solely about working to overcome certain more aggressive elements of my psychosis. Thank you.
as a jedi knight…" the bunny will now protect you, youngling ".
