I’m tired of it. There are many things that are within my power to control. I can choose whether or not to dwell on certain things. I can choose to view things in either a positive or negative light. I cannot choose to change or control my visceral gross overreaction to any event my brain randomly determines is stressful. It does not come from any specific thought. It is literally just a violent activation of my bodys fight or flight response, to the extent where it is comparable to physical pain when I have to go through anything less than pleasant. Yes I know I have a stressful job. But I had the exact same feelings and dread for work every day when I worked as a swim teacher for children. I am sick of it. No amount of rationalizing or therapy-isms can change it.
The best time in my life was when I was on zoloft. I described it as off zoloft I am like a raw nerve, everything is too much and too painful. Zoloft fixes that. It makes me have normal reactions to things. It just terrorizes my bladder. But I am on a medication now that helps with my bladder a lot. So I am really really hoping that maybe now I can go back on zoloft. I’m going to attempt it. I’m going to call my doctor and tell him tomorrow. I can’t keep living like this. I keep telling myself it will be fine once I have a different job but I am forgetting my history-it will not improve regardless of what job I have. Easy or hard. So here’s to attempt number 3 with zoloft!!