There’s just too much stress on my plate right now and it’s set everything off. Exams were bad enough. And through the worry of all that I’m now having issues with next year’s housing.
I have a very tight-knit group of friends. Even this year we couldn’t all live together. Next year it’s going to suck. Me and two of my friends are getting an apartment, but one of my friends is superbly picky about who she lives with, so she has no roommate and we’re going to have to live with a random stranger unless she finds one, which is stressful. Two of our friends are going to live on a different part of campus far, far away from us, so we will probably RARELY see them. Two other of our friends are living closer to us, but anything outside of our building is difficult to make time for with our insane schedules. Then one of my friends has absolutely nowhere to live. I feel awfully guilty. I’m basically her closest friend in college. I tried to bring her into my group but she doesn’t really fit in. She’s not the most…socially adept.
But now she’s going to be stuck with completely random people next year and I feel like an awful friend. She can’t live with my friend that needs a roommate because she’s HORRIBLY messy and their personalities clash way too much, my picky friend is very neat and just wouldn’t get along with her. I don’t know what to do. I tried so hard to include her in everything and help her get friends but I just don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like I’m abandoning her.
And then the apartment we’re going to live in is so expensive…but I don’t really have a choice, because I have to stay up here during the summer and it’s the only place that’s open aside from a place where I’d have to share a room with four strangers, which gives me panic just thinking about.
God, everything is just going to crap right now and I am out of my head. Psychosis is full course right now. My body is gone, and I’m filled with pain. Nothing feels real or right and everything seems to be triggering me. I’m fighting the urge to hurt myself. I want to scream. This is ridiculous. I can’t see my therapist for so long. I’m deeply upset. And there’s the whole fact that God is just GONE from my life, like who KNOWS where he is. Imagine having a presence with you for YEARS who you very strongly felt, this warm, loving presence, who guided you and helped you through any issue that popped up and supported you and helped you through your lowest moments and then just picture the presence VANISHING into thin air. I can’t feel him. I can’t hear him. He’s just gone. And that terrifies me too.
On top of all THAT I’ve been stuck in mind loops, obsessive thinking and fixation. I’m in some sort of hellish limbo. I just want all of this to stop. And then I go to sleep and have these stressful nightmares. Life just seems like going up a hill of broken glass with no shoes sometimes, you know?
That’s what’s on my plate at the moment.
