I’m not doing too great. My cousin got married yesterday and I was in the wedding. I was able to hold it together since my therapy session last Wednesday until yesterday and had a blast at the wedding. Right before we left to go to where the wedding was being held I had a major panic attack. I had been taking Klonopin all day to suppress the anxiety, but it still peaked through. I didn’t want to worry my cousin so I told the maid of honor, who used to struggle with panic attacks, and thank god for her. She tried to give me one of my cousin’s Klonopin but I was afraid the sedation would hit me and I would be nodding walking down the aisle. So she made things simple for me, which I need when I’m not doing well. Like she told me which car to get into and specifically which door to get into. On the way there she talked things through with me and explained all of the attention would be on my cousin. I just had to follow her sister and do everything her sister did. Talking to her really helped and then during the reception it was so much fun. I didn’t drink because of the medicine, but I was still able to get out on the dance floor and let loose. Jason and I danced to the slow songs. He knew all of the words and while we were looking into eachother’s eyes he sang to me. Everyone in the room faded away and it was just him and I. I looked into those blue eyes and felt so much love for him. Everyone told me how beautiful I looked. I had my nails done, my makeup done, and my hair done. I felt like a princess. You have to understand, I’m usually in a tshirt and jeans so everyone is used to seeing me without makeup, nice nails, a formal hair style, and in a dress. When I was walking down the aisle, my aunt shouted that I looked great.
So yesterday was a blast, why do you ask am I struggling so much today. Well on Wednesday with my therapist, we didn’t get into it in detail it was just general terms as to what happened, it came up with what happened with James, Avi, Keith, Frances, and Ray. All of the ■■■■ that happened after James was my way of reenacting what happened with James when I was nine. I promised my cousin I wouldn’t cut myself before her wedding, although I came very close the night before, because I didn’t want to do anything that would effect her big day. Now I don’t have any motivation to not do it. Since Wednesday memories have been coming out of nowhere and I feel so much pain and sadness. I know I have to confront the memories with my therapist and heal, but I can’t even think about what happened let alone speak it. Part of me says “I’ll kill myself before I confront what happened, specifically with Keith.” I’ve pushed things so far out of my mind that therapy has now brought up the ■■■■ and I can’t even hear the words “sexual abuse” or “rape” without being bombarded with pain and a flood of memories. I feel so sad. The other night when I was triggered, along with the memories the demon was following me around, towering over me. I know I have to confront the ■■■■ in order to heal, but I’m terrified. What if I never stop crying? What if the pain is too much to bear? What if I have a psychotic break and end up back in the hospital? What if I kill myself, accidentally or intentionally? I don’t think I have it in me to suppress things further, but how do I heal from it. I feel so suicidal and wish I could talk to someone. There are only two people who I think make me the most comfortable to talk to. My therapist and my cousin. I’m scared to tell my therapist how I really feel because I don’t want to go back into the hospital. And my cousin is enjoying her new life, she got married only yesterday. I might be able to talk to my aunt. Yesterday I asked her if she would be my mentor with my Buddhist practice and she said yes. We are very close as it is.
The next issue was represented in a dream I had this morning, which reminded me of what has been going on. It’s been a little over two weeks since I came out of the hospital for a psychotic break. I am having a really hard time doing things as I feel unclear, but to be honest I just don’t know what is wrong with me. I was out of town when they called to renew my Food Stamps and Medicaid. When I got the letter of when they would be calling I called and on the message I said I would be out of town. They still called that day. When I got out of the hospital, it took me a little while, but I called to have my benefits restored. I’ve called multiple times, and after being on hold for ten minutes it goes to voicemail. I’ve left several messages. No call backs. I have to go down there and physically talk to them, and I called my case manager to take me and be with me so the right questions get asked. But with the wedding it was hard to go this past week. I know it sounds like I am being proactive but it is extremely hard to organize my thoughts to take the steps I need to take. The other thing is my room is a disaster area and has recently started to smell. I’ve been sleeping next to my laundry basket for a while now and there are clothes everywhere. I wouldn’t even know where to start with my room. Doing laundry is not only overwhelming but there is something about it that cognitively I can’t figure it out. I haven’t been taking care of myself, like my teeth. And while I’m struggling to handle all of my stuff, my mom is really on me for not doing chores. We have two white boards on the fridge of what I am supposed to do everyday. I don’t think it’s my motivation as the increase in Geodon has really helped with that. I think it’s cognitive. I can’t explain it. I told my mom I need someone to help me. She’s an Occupational Therapist and I begged her to give me an evaluation and help me. She says though that she is not experienced in mental health. It’s even hard to take my medicine. To figure out which meds to put in the pill box and then I have to take my Geodon with food so I have to figure out what to eat that is 350 calories. There are so many phone calls to make. I should be going to the gym. I’m trying to chant consistently. I get so confused as to what I am supposed to do each day that what I can handle right now is sitting on the computer and smoking.
I’m usually very independent so it is hard for me to say this, but I need help. I don’t know who to ask and I don’t know what to do. 
PS I would never kill myself as I see what suicides did to my mom and my family, I just want it all to stop.
I have an idea for the Medicaid issue: If you have the phone number of another case worker, try calling them and leaving a message. It lets your case manager know that others can see him sitting on his lazy butt. I’ve done it and it worked. The other case manager might have less clients and will be able to help you.
For keeping clean, set a phone reminder for brushing your teeth and doing laundry. I had a real problem with my room being full of dirty clothes. I finally went through them to give some away, so that I could manage. Also separate your clothes by season and store your winter clothes when it’s summer and vice versa.
Your thoughts of self harm can like you mentioned, be combated with how it will affect your family.
I have been playing on the computer most of the day too. I only took a walk. I have a quiz and homework due in math on Tuesday. I’ll accomplish that by breaking down my day into parts. I’ll designate my homework time like from 8pm to 9pm I’ll read and from 9pm to 10pm I’ll do homework.
Make a habit of doing your laundry after dark and it should help some.
Geodon did not work at all for me. Maybe it is not working for you. Try a better one. I was feeling really overwhelmed with tasks today too. Writing them down helped a little. I also tried hard to disconnect from stressful things and see things from a fresh perspective. Crying helps too. Music helps. find some peaceful music balanced by some expressive music like “From Autumn to Ashes”.
@metime Thanks for the reply. With Social Services I don’t have a case worker. I call the main number and get transferred to a call center for my issue. They put me on hold and then it goes to voicemail. Thank you for the suggestions but I think we struggle with different things. I know there are steps to do things but I get so unclear in my head I don’t know what to do. My mom helped me with my laundry today. She would hand me clothes and say put these in the washer.
@Envisioneer Thank you for the reply. I’ve tried almost all of the atypicals and Geodon works the best and has side effects I can handle. I’m also on Seroquel. I don’t feel overwhelmed, it’s hard to describe. I can’t think. Music has been my saving grace recently. It can also make me more depressed so I have to be careful what I listen to. 
I’ve been re-reading this and I feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff you have to do.
I’d say… break it up. Maybe write down three top things
Meds
Phone calls
Laundry
Break those down in to small pieces…
Also… it’s hard getting back into the swing of things and weddings… huge family events… no matter how positive are very draining. I needed almost a month to get my head back after my cousins huge wedding. I was falling apart in some areas.
It was hard to do… but I had to admit that I needed help again getting through my day. It was so embarrassing to admit that… but it did make me feel better getting some extra help for that time. I feel that because I owned up to needed help and why… I was able to decompress and get back on track sooner.
When I get stuff piled on my plate and I have to face long list… I also shut down… I feel defeated and it exhausts me and then I feel like I’m disappointing everyone around me…
and then more things pile up and then it all feels hopeless and then I just don’t know what end is up and I shut down further and it’s a cycle that I need serious help getting out of.
I’d say… maybe talk to you doc about some new ideas to organize the meds… and let your Mom sit in on this one so she knows too. You won’t be slapped back in hospital for discussing med management.
You can state that some trauma from your past is trying to come up and derail you… and you can tell them it’s effecting your mood. As long as you seem calm when you discuss it… I couldn’t picture a doc slapping you in hospital for trying to overcome a big trauma like that.
( As a side note in future… Some laundro-matts have a laundry service… just to get back on even footing… as a one time… you might want to have a service do the laundry. Bundle it up… take it to the laundry mat and let someone else do it this once. A web search might reveal some laundr-o-mats that do that.)
As you know… I’m rooting for you and hope you feel better soon.
@SurprisedJ Thank you so much! After I wrote this my mom noticed I was down and asked what was wrong. I read it to her. She said it’s ok we’ll do it together. She helped me write a list like you said and then went into my room with me and sorted my clothes and handed me ones and said here wash these. That’s what I needed help with. I’m feeling clearer today so maybe it was the wedding. I also skipped my day time dose of Geodon for the wedding because I didn’t want to be sedated. Usually skipping one dose doesn’t effect me but maybe I’m sensitive right now.
I’m embarrassed asking for help too, but I have been asking my mom since I got out of the hospital. She has her own stuff going on though so she kept pushing it further and further down. Sometimes I can’t handle doing things and breaking them down seems impossible. I just can’t think, and she expects me to do chores. There are some days that I feel like I’m fighting so hard, and I don’t think she gets it. Having a mental illness vs a physical illness sucks. People can’t see what you are struggling with. I think she got it yesterday though because when we went to the supermarket I was just standing there watching her bag groceries and she would just hand me bags and say put these in the cart. Some days when I’m clearer I feel like I can take on the world, other days I really struggle.
What I’m afraid to be honest with my treatment team about is my desires. To cut and kill myself.
I know about those services. I used to work at a laundromat and do that. Good suggestion though I didn’t even think about that.
Do you know what I’m talking about though not being able to even break things down to do what you need to function because you can’t think? Is that part of the sz?
I too have to be careful what I listen to - I can get quite depressed in a drop of a hat if I listen to the wrong music - I do hope that you feel better soon @SunGirl please hang in there 
For me I’m afraid it is. When it’s bad and I’m not doing well and I just couldn’t figure out how to get to the end result. I could see what I wanted to have happen… Clean apartment, clean clothing, no phone calls to make, and how to get my printer working… But I had NO idea how to make it happen.
I could list the end result, but couldn’t figure the steps on how to get there. What would also make me feel bad was my kid sis was able to do this sort of stuff with her eyes closed, then I would feel like I wasn’t even as smart as a 14 year old.
I needed help to get out from under the pile.