Over the weekend I was at a revision seminar and it still makes me realise I’m not well. I don’t cope well with too much stimulation, whilst I was there I was in seminars from 9am to about 6pm, now I notice I cannot handle it when there is more than one person talking, for example; when I was checking in I was trying to listen to what the lady was telling me but the people next to me were talking and it’s like I dissociate for a bit, my brain just goes ‘nope’.
It happened in lectures too, I narrow it down to the fact staff don’t pose a threat to me but the other people I was with did, I was trying to listen to everything at once, my brain goes ‘they’re plotting something, I can’t trust them, they want to take my brain!’ I spent the weekend so piped up that when I got home and on Monday I felt so exhausted I felt nauseous… I’m still not recovered.
It’s put me on high alert. I’m noticing I’m trying to ignore the world as much as possible, I have an exam on the third I’ve just created my revision plan and am starting revising properly tomorrow.
My cpn also told me to look up more when I’m in town but all I get is signals from people and wind up following them or I have will power to not but it’s hard seeing them everywhere, I also keep thinking my neighbours are sending me messages through the music and tv shows they play at loud volume when I’m alone as they repeat the same songs etc.
The other thing is today I had a doctors appointment due to physical symptoms, I had to convince him it wasn’t my mental health, I felt quite hurt but stood up for myself, he tested my reflexes noted the were abnormal on my left side so concluded it must be physical thank god! So he’s referring me to a neurologist. I thought I’d be relieved because that’s what I expected… But it was like being whacked around the head, I felt the world descend on me. I feel threatened. I came home, closed all curtains and tried to sleep, when my mum rang I ignored her call until she rang for the third time in a row so I answered and pretended to be okay, she knew I wasn’t.
I don’t know what’s happening, I’m trying so hard to keep it together, and my strength is fading. Any tips on how to deal with any of this? I feel like I’m slipping. But I’m going through a lot of change, I’ve coped so far and I’m just feeling like I’m sinking now, I know when I start losing more sleep than usual I’m not well. Now I just wake to every day with dread. Sorry for how long this has been.
Hope you’re all coping as best as is possible, take care,