I really really really want to cut. I haven’t done it in years, but I’m overwhelmed with emotion right now. I feel so much anger. I never get angry. This is a new old feeling and I don’t know what to do with it. People frustrate me to no end and I feel like no one is listening to me. I was out with my mom tonight and was having a hard time because there was a lot of stim at her friend’s house. It was a party. I wanted to leave but my mom wanted to stay a little longer. Things calmed down after that and I thought I would be ok, but then started having a panic attack. I took a Klonopin that I always carry with me when I go out, and when my mom found out she freaked. She didn’t care why I needed it. These Klonopin are really pissing me off. My recently old pdoc, my therapist, and my mom act like I’m asking for heroin when it’s the only thing that helps my panic attacks. And I don’t just pop one. I do ALL of my coping skills and wait at least an hour before taking one. If I didn’t have such trouble breathing I would ride it out. These panic attacks last for hours and no one seems to care that I’m suffering.
It’s funny there have been many times where I’ve given people advice on how not to cut because I thought I had it beat. I could also be feeling so much emotion because I have my period. These past couple of months with the med changes have been hard. The funny thing is I woke up feeling awesome ready to take on the day. I hope this isn’t permanent. Feelings do pass right? I think I’ll just ride out this temptation. I could call Cape Counseling’s emergency number but the last time I did that the cops showed up at my door. I really don’t want to go into the hospital. And I really don’t want to cut. I’m starting to finally get rid of years of scars with Mederma. Plus I don’t want my boyfriend to break up with me. He probably wouldn’t break it off just be really disappointed. I just don’t know what to do. I could really use some support.