Schizophrenia.com

Really Struggling


#1

I really really really want to cut. I haven’t done it in years, but I’m overwhelmed with emotion right now. I feel so much anger. I never get angry. This is a new old feeling and I don’t know what to do with it. People frustrate me to no end and I feel like no one is listening to me. I was out with my mom tonight and was having a hard time because there was a lot of stim at her friend’s house. It was a party. I wanted to leave but my mom wanted to stay a little longer. Things calmed down after that and I thought I would be ok, but then started having a panic attack. I took a Klonopin that I always carry with me when I go out, and when my mom found out she freaked. She didn’t care why I needed it. These Klonopin are really pissing me off. My recently old pdoc, my therapist, and my mom act like I’m asking for heroin when it’s the only thing that helps my panic attacks. And I don’t just pop one. I do ALL of my coping skills and wait at least an hour before taking one. If I didn’t have such trouble breathing I would ride it out. These panic attacks last for hours and no one seems to care that I’m suffering.

It’s funny there have been many times where I’ve given people advice on how not to cut because I thought I had it beat. I could also be feeling so much emotion because I have my period. These past couple of months with the med changes have been hard. The funny thing is I woke up feeling awesome ready to take on the day. I hope this isn’t permanent. Feelings do pass right? I think I’ll just ride out this temptation. I could call Cape Counseling’s emergency number but the last time I did that the cops showed up at my door. I really don’t want to go into the hospital. And I really don’t want to cut. I’m starting to finally get rid of years of scars with Mederma. Plus I don’t want my boyfriend to break up with me. He probably wouldn’t break it off just be really disappointed. I just don’t know what to do. I could really use some support. :partly_sunny:


#2

I’m sorry you are going through a hard time like this, sungirl. Your mom seems not understanding towards your panic attack. That happens all the time because your mom is just a human who has very limited ability to understand. You need to be clam down and face the frustration yourself.


#3

things get better, and feelings pass, punch a pillow get your aggression out…smash a plate on the ground,
go for a run, scream in a field…
know some one cares.
take care


#4

darksith, you are so good at comforting those who are irritated and in a rage. I admire you for this skill.


#5

you can do this hunni. you r stronger than you think you r. please don’t cut yourself. try not to listen to that desire. give it all your will power and withstand the impulse. do what dark sith said. go to a thrift store and buy some plates to throw at the floor instead. you can beat this. xxx


#6

You do have it beat. You’re not cutting, right? You’ve done well for years now and have been able to resist. That means a lot. Don’t sell yourself short. Urges and temptation will always come and go with any behavior like that, but you’re not giving in. :thumbsup:

As far as panic attacks go, I’ve had small ones and they felt pretty bad. I can’t imagine having a full blown attack, it must be hell. I’m generally against Benzos, but for many they are the only help when having an attack. It sucks that people who should know this, like doctors, can be so clueless at times.

I’ve never heard of this stuff. Does it work well? I still have scars from over 25 years ago. I never thought of taking anything to get rid of them, I just resigned myself to the idea that I’d have to wear them for life. To this day, it annoys me when I have to explain them to inquisitive people or when I notice someone staring at them.

Eh, I just looked it up. The Mederma website says I’d need to use it daily for six months. At $23 bucks a tube that would be a couple hundred dollars. Seems like too much trouble and expense for me to bother.


#7

dear SunGirl, I am so sorry you are so frustrated, I definitely wouldn’t feel bad for using klonipin, I wish I had some for my panic but my doctor won’t prescribe them for me, I don’t even ask.

Good job for not cutting, you can be encouraged by the fact that you’ve kept from doing it this far ? Please keep up the fight…cutting is horrible…you don’t deserve that.


#8

I’m thinking that just as female hormones can make sz worse that getting your first period in a long time may be contributing to these overwhelming feelings. Have faith in yourself. You are a fighter and I believe you can get through this. Do you have distractions/alternatives that help? I’m thinking your boyfriend has been and will continue to be a pretty understanding person.


#9

I am a cutter like you. So far it’s been eight months since I’ve picked up a razor blade. It’s about control. Or actually the control that we have lost. My pdoc gives me Klonopin to calm me down too. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Some people just don’t understand the need inside and the hurt that goes with it. You are succeeding! Don’t fall now. If the counseling center betrayed you in the past try calling the doc or the pdoc, that is what you pay them for. I am here to talk to I am on every day. Just keep trying!


#10

Hey @SunGirl please do not cut - when I cut my emotions were everywhere. Manage your emotions, the anger, rage the best you can. Take it easy - meditate, do deep breathing exercises and please do not feel bad for taking Klonopin - Klonopin is a very good medication at soothing and calming out of control emotions, it as saved me more than a couple of times. The most important thing to do is keep in touch with your doctor if you are spiraling out of control - the right meds can be very useful here. Do not give up and lose hope - you have more control over the situation than you might think


#11

@SunGirl,

I’m really proud of you for NOT cutting and for recognizing your triggers. I’m sorry you Mom wasn’t on the same page as you during this party.

When things are calm and you and your Mom are in a quite space you might want to try address the fact that you DO used all your other coping tools first, you do wait and assess the situation. She might not know how hard you work before you reach for the Klonopin.

Please be patient with yourself about your urge to cut… As you have said yourself… the behavior can become addictive. You had the urge… you fought the urge… you’ve won again.

There’s noting for panic attacks but to ride them out I’m afraid. When I’m at a family gathering and that hyper thin air feeling starts to creep… I too step outside… go for a walk if I can.

I know you ended up in a bad spot for a while, but you fought hard and I’m proud of you for that. It’s hard work… if you didn’t cut…

Don’t see having the urge as a loss… please see it as fighting that urge is a victory. :thumbsup: :sunny:


#12

Hi Sungirl, I 'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I know what it is to have the urge to cut. And I know that although cutting relieves the turmoil of emotions, it does more harm than good. It brings regret, pain and scars, nothing of which you need at this time. You need support and understanding. I hope you have found comfort in our words on this group :smile: Keep fighting the urge - and maybe try the elastic band method, maybe it will help. Wear an elastic band around your wrist and snap it repeatedly when you go through the turmoil of emotions, it will bring some short-lived pain, just enough to calm you and ride over the urge to feel pain.


#13

Very good idea. I used the elastic band technique to curb my self harm. It helped me stop completely, although it took quite a while.

But the important thing is that I haven’t harmed myself in 8 years now.

Blessings


#14

If having your period is a big part of the problem, you can take birth control to stop it. I don’t know if you can take it with the medicine you’re on, but you should be able to take it.

Like J said getting away from the party helps in those situations. Bring some type of a distraction like a book, smartphone, or tablet so you can totally block out the party.


#15

Thank you soooo much everyone!! I didn’t cut, but with how strong the urge was I’m surprised I didn’t. This forum is awesome, you guys are awesome. It feels good to come here and be able to vent and have you guys understand what I’m going through. I wish I knew about this site years ago when I was going through intense psychosis.
@green5 Thank you! The thing is my mom used to have panic attacks like me when my uncle committed suicide years ago, so she knows how scared I am. I think I’ve worn my mom thin over the years and she’s tired of dealing with my crazy ass.
@darksith Thank you! Those are great suggestions, but it was one in the morning and the neighbors may have wanted to kill me if I made a lot of noise.Although punching a pillow would have been good. I’ll have to remember that. One time when I was in the hospital a guy told me to scream into a pillow when I felt frustrated. It does work. Thank you for caring, it means a lot to me.
@jaynebeal Thank you! I don’t feel strong. That’s a good idea to go to the thrift store and buy plates. If I broke my mom’s Polish Pottery she would kill me! HaHa!
@Malvok Thank you! I’m not cutting and last night I would start fantasizing about it and outloud I said “Stop!” I know if I let myself go down that road there would be no turning back. I know temptation comes but I think after I decided to stop years ago that was it, I didn’t have the temptation anymore. So last night was like Woah! I stopped having those intense emotions and that made it easier. With the Klonopin it’s the only thing that helps in the moment. The lexapro has helped a lot but I still get attacks. I actually wrote a post about Mederma PM. It’s better then the regular because you only use it once a day as opposed to three times a day. I get a tub of it online and with shipping it’s thirty something, but it lasts a long time. And it’s working!! I started to notice a difference after two weeks. My mom puts it on for me and does a scar massage. Believe it or not I think the main ingredient comes from onions. I hate when people stare at them or ask me about them. They are quite noticeable and I am very self conscious about them so it’s good to have found something that works. Try it, it couldn’t hurt.
@jukebox Thank you! People make me feel bad for using Klonopin. I’m sorry you don’t have anything to use for your panic. Lexapro has really helped me. Thank you for saying I don’t deserve cutting. I’m keeping up the fight.
@BarbieBF Thank you! It’s been one year and five months since I’ve had my period. Along with the killer cramps I have been bleeding like crazy. I’m tempted to call my doctor because last night I put on two overnight pads and this morning had bled through them. I usually don’t get angry with my period but I think because I haven’t had it my body is like let everything loose. I did try distractions last night. It’s funny I know all of the coping skills but I was still struggling. I’m sure Jason would be very understanding. I was thinking of calling him but didn’t want to wake him up. I’m not used to reaching out to people for help. Even taking advantage of this site goes against the grain for me. I never want to bother anyone. I also never know when it is appropriate to wake someone up to help me. I always think “maybe I’m not that bad.”
@Saphire Thank you! That’s awesome it has been eight months! Good job! It is about control and when people tell me not to do it I feel like they are taking that control away. You’re lucky your pdoc gives you Klonopin. The ones I have I had to weasel my old pdoc out of and my supply is dwindling. I started Neurontin today so hopefully that will help my anxiety. My pdoc’s office always gets pissy with me when I call. At least the one nurse who I always deals with does. They want me to come in. They won’t prescribe anything over the phone. But you’re right I am paying them. Thanks for the offer I may take you up on that.
@Wave Thank you! I was doing deep breathing last night. Nothing was helping my anger until I prayed. I think it was God who relieved me of that emotion. Klonopin is a great med and it has saved me a couple of times as well. I’m not going to lose hope. I just have to remember that these feelings do pass.
@SurprisedJ Thank you! I was hoping you would reply, you’re my buddy on here. Yeah my mom wasn’t getting it. I remember you saying that during family parties if you want to cut out you start rocking and talking to yourself to freak your aunt out. Ha! I wish I had the balls to do that. I try my hardest to control my rocking in front of other people or I step outside for a cigarette and do it. I talked to my mom this morning and she was very empathetic and asked why I feel like no one is listening to me and said I’m sorry you were having such a hard time. She just doesn’t want me to run out of Klonopin and then be angry when my pdoc says no to giving me more. I hate this drug! I hate that I need it and they are so damn hard to get. I did win you are right. Thank you for your empathy, it means the world to me.

Thank you everyone I’m feeling worlds different today. I’m glad I didn’t cut. :sunny:


#16

@Saadiqah Thank you! I’m sorry you struggle with cutting as well, but you’re right it does more harm then good. It’s only temporary, but has long lasting consequences. A rubber band is a good idea. I didn’t think of that last night. I was considering the red food dye but that may be too much of a tease.
@metime Thank you! The problem with birth control is because I smoke and other factors I’m at too much of a risk for a blood clot. I was kind of stuck last night. I couldn’t leave the party without my mom and there was too much stim to focus on anything. Thank you for your suggestions though.


#17

I have a few scares from cutting. I don’t think I have the same compulsion to do that that you have. There have been times when I was in a group therapy situation, and I felt like it had no relevance to me. I wish I had some kind of magic formula for you. I wish someone had a magic formula for me.


#18

Thank you! It does become a compulsion. I did it for so many years that it’s what I always turned to. I wish there was some magic formula. At least we have meds. :sunny:


#19

sorry sun girl :frowning:

it sounds like you have had a lot of pressures on you lately what with the car and things, parties are very hard for people like us as well and it sucks when you are forced to stay when you really need to go, they don’t realise how hard it is and thats a shame and totally not your fault, i hope you can get over this and things get better for you, have you got a p/doc or a nurse? maybe they can help too.


#20

You are welcome!

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