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Stream of Consciousness

I’m having a restless night so I’m just putting down words. I don’t know if I’m okay or not, my mind is buzzing and floating, the meds may be kicking in but they don’t do anything for the confusion. Paranoia yesterday, today I was overwhelmed by noise, the voices in the bar room echoing the cacophony in my own head. I try to tell myself it’s not so bad, not yet, but I’m getting there again, fearing crowds and withdrawing from being social. This is all too familiar, this is how it started, soon I’ll be cowering and crying, hearing voices tell me to do bad things to myself. I’ll slap myself, punch myself, cause pain to distract from the hateful words, seeing things behind closed eyes, nightmarish visions, monsters in the shadows. I don’t want it to happen again. Maybe this time I’ll be okay. I won’t use public restrooms for fear of being video taped, I hold it until I get home, and even then I worry about people hiding in the closet, cameras hidden behind things. I talk myself down, but sometimes I have to check. I’m afraid of the dark, afraid of bad things lurking unseen, so I start to panic as I feel the darkness closing in behind me when I come up to my front door, gotta get in the house fast, if I fumble with the knob they might get me. I want to sleep but this buzzing energy in my head won’t let me. Sorry for the ramble.

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This does sound just like before for you. You were in hell last time, and still managing to fight it off.

I’m so sorry this same old circus is trying to come back. I know you said you were thinking of going to the hospital if it gets bad again.

Are you still thinking about it?

Yeah, it’s still an option. I’m trying to convince myself it’ll be fun, like a vacation, but from what I’ve heard it’ll probably just be boring once they get me stable.

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If you go in under your own power, you will have a much different time then when I was taken in.

I really hope you can check out some nice ones before you check in. When I was stabilized, I do remember long stretches of just sitting and coloring and not doing much. I had some chores, there was group therapy, and other counseling groups. But for the most part, it was fairly lavender/ gray as far as excitement.

Muted and not much to it.

Keep working with the med’s. They should take care of that.

I hope you will be ok soon, hun.