I know I sound like a broken record and repeat myself, but it’s true and how I really feel. I do feel like I’m in freaking hell. It is subjective to some but to me it’s not. This is the true definition of hell for me. I guess hell to me is no afterlife like heaven or a fiery pit or something. It’s just planet Earth with paranoid schizophrenia and reliving the day over and over again for eternity. I do retain some memories which makes me feel more human than human sometimes, but it’s also a freaking curse!
The medication really, really helps me. It clears my head and blocks these thoughts that are coming from my past lives in parallel universes that were just as real as this or more real.
I can’t stop thinking about how I sold my soul, a few times, many past lives ago under duress or something. I wasn’t thinking clear, wasn’t lucid, and was probably ‘drunk’ or something. Maybe I was forced to or was ignorant about the freaking situation and consequences?
Anyways, I’m not sure I can un-sell it or get it back. I guess for me the closest thing for me is believing in God and Jesus, but I don’t read the Bible, go to church, or mingle with other believers. I’m also a little scared. My biggest goal that I’m neglecting is actually reading the Bible someday.
A month or so ago, I had some strange dreams that I thought were too real to be dreams. I rather not talk about them out of fear. But I guess one could say they were paranormal or supernatural…and that they were really threatening and scary.
I’ve been thinking about movies a lot and TV shows and how I messed up by watching conspiracy theories and having social media. I ■■■■■■ up big time. I’m trying to heal, recover, and move on. I would like a job or education someday. Not sure if it will work out but I guess I can try…
I sometimes think about weird things like the movie ‘Donnie Darko’ and stuff. It’s an old movie and I barely remember it from my teenage years. Stuff like that bothers me lol. I can’t even remember what the movie is about. I tried watching it a couple weeks back but lost interest due to difficulties with motivation and concentration.
I do have some lingering paranoia in the background. Always feel like I’m being ‘watched’ or something…
I would like to eat healthier, lose weight, quit smoking the cigs, and move on with my life. I’m finally stabilized again. I’m worried I might be developing lung cancer or something because I have lung, chest, and back pain. I need to get an X-ray or something pretty soon.
In my dreams, I feel like I’ve met Vampires, Androids, or aliens from outer-space similar to the so-called Men in Black…I should be afraid but I’m not 100%…I’m more worried about my family and such. Maybe they were low-ranking Illuminati or something or hired by some billionaires to keep me quiet about simulation theory and conspiracy theories, which I will. I’m done and ■■■■. Doesn’t interest me at all anymore. I’ve learned of a thing called Billionaire Privilege in my dream and how these ‘people’ can practically do whatever they want and get away with whatever they want. It makes me sick and is sickening.
I’m more interested in a quiet life and finding love. Sort of like blending in and getting a decent middle class career/company going. I would like to be a computer engineer or computer programmer or something. I couldn’t stand working for a company like Google or Microsoft. I couldn’t do a 9-5. I rather work for a smaller company and make less money or perhaps myself someday. Unfortunately, I do have some concern about people stealing ideas from me. I sometimes doubt even Linux is safe…lol.
I believe in freedom, freedom of speech, democracy, etc. But there comes a point when it doesn’t much matter and one has just got to shut up and behave…