Sometimes, I think I'm in Hell

I know I sound like a broken record and repeat myself, but it’s true and how I really feel. I do feel like I’m in freaking hell. It is subjective to some but to me it’s not. This is the true definition of hell for me. I guess hell to me is no afterlife like heaven or a fiery pit or something. It’s just planet Earth with paranoid schizophrenia and reliving the day over and over again for eternity. I do retain some memories which makes me feel more human than human sometimes, but it’s also a freaking curse!

The medication really, really helps me. It clears my head and blocks these thoughts that are coming from my past lives in parallel universes that were just as real as this or more real.

I can’t stop thinking about how I sold my soul, a few times, many past lives ago under duress or something. I wasn’t thinking clear, wasn’t lucid, and was probably ‘drunk’ or something. Maybe I was forced to or was ignorant about the freaking situation and consequences?

Anyways, I’m not sure I can un-sell it or get it back. I guess for me the closest thing for me is believing in God and Jesus, but I don’t read the Bible, go to church, or mingle with other believers. I’m also a little scared. My biggest goal that I’m neglecting is actually reading the Bible someday.

A month or so ago, I had some strange dreams that I thought were too real to be dreams. I rather not talk about them out of fear. But I guess one could say they were paranormal or supernatural…and that they were really threatening and scary.

I’ve been thinking about movies a lot and TV shows and how I messed up by watching conspiracy theories and having social media. I ■■■■■■ up big time. I’m trying to heal, recover, and move on. I would like a job or education someday. Not sure if it will work out but I guess I can try…

I sometimes think about weird things like the movie ‘Donnie Darko’ and stuff. It’s an old movie and I barely remember it from my teenage years. Stuff like that bothers me lol. I can’t even remember what the movie is about. I tried watching it a couple weeks back but lost interest due to difficulties with motivation and concentration.

I do have some lingering paranoia in the background. Always feel like I’m being ‘watched’ or something…

I would like to eat healthier, lose weight, quit smoking the cigs, and move on with my life. I’m finally stabilized again. I’m worried I might be developing lung cancer or something because I have lung, chest, and back pain. I need to get an X-ray or something pretty soon.

In my dreams, I feel like I’ve met Vampires, Androids, or aliens from outer-space similar to the so-called Men in Black…I should be afraid but I’m not 100%…I’m more worried about my family and such. Maybe they were low-ranking Illuminati or something or hired by some billionaires to keep me quiet about simulation theory and conspiracy theories, which I will. I’m done and ■■■■. Doesn’t interest me at all anymore. I’ve learned of a thing called Billionaire Privilege in my dream and how these ‘people’ can practically do whatever they want and get away with whatever they want. It makes me sick and is sickening.

I’m more interested in a quiet life and finding love. Sort of like blending in and getting a decent middle class career/company going. I would like to be a computer engineer or computer programmer or something. I couldn’t stand working for a company like Google or Microsoft. I couldn’t do a 9-5. I rather work for a smaller company and make less money or perhaps myself someday. Unfortunately, I do have some concern about people stealing ideas from me. I sometimes doubt even Linux is safe…lol.

I believe in freedom, freedom of speech, democracy, etc. But there comes a point when it doesn’t much matter and one has just got to shut up and behave…


@insidemind. Everything you described I feel. I don’t talk about it much not even with my doctor but everything you said except for the alien part I’ve felt. I would like to be able to work though.

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Hopefully the fact that you have shared this will take some of the edge off it. I can relate to a number of things you’re saying, the ones makes me officially ‘psychotic’ in the eyes of my doc. All the best.

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Based on this and your past entries it seems you’ve been struggling for a while now. I experience the same struggle the same feelings but I don’t want to go into the hospital. Maybe I should.

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I haven’t seen any aliens in this life so far. Just some stuff in the air…

I’m not really interested in aliens anymore. Seems society has it backwards and there’s no point in arguing or talking about it since I’ll be labeled a loon or something haha.

I’m more interested in mainstream science like computers and math now and stuff. I like money and women. I want to get into a healthy lifestyle and living.

I just think aliens are dangerous and not something we should be seeking and spending money on. I take the point of view of Stephen Hawking. We could be like ants to them. They could be hostile for all we know.

Ya I struggle, but not as much as several years ago. I’m actually more than content. I’m happy!

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I know how that feels entirely… I mean it’s like a strange immortal sense of how human nature is just locked into perpetuating it’s own isolation and self-torment.

The only things people seem excited about is their own pleasure and debauchery.

No room for sensitivity or sentiment… and all of it happening at 1,000,000 mph. Endlessly… all the way up to the end of life on earth as we know it.


Ya man! For me, it sucks. It constantly feels like I’ve lived over a billion lives as a schizophrenic. I cannot get this across any other way. It’s as real to me as the oxygen you breathe. I can only take my meds, hope for the best, and limit or avoid caffeine. I think I recently attained happiness. It took over 7 years of hell to get there. I’m now focusing on my health. I want to lose weight, eat better, get a woman, etc. I also want to be an engineer or programmer to make money. I’m tired of living off scraps.

It basically feels like I’m in a time loop for lack of a better term. Things do change very, very little but almost nothing changes. I’ve talked about it here before. It makes me think this universe is ■■■■■■■■, a fabrication. A place for me to learn a hard lesson over and over again for eternity.

If one believes in the multiverse (most do not I think) than there should be an infinite amount of universes where I don’t have this stupid illness. Unfortunately, I’m trapped to say the least. I’m stuck getting SZ the same away ad infinitum from pot (8 years ago) in college from severe, severe psychosis. It was the worst mental breakdown I could fathom. I literally lost touch of reality for hours but it seemed like years.

I sometimes doubt free will is even real and an illusion at best. I feel we live in a deterministic universe and that Einstein was right – God does not play dice.

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This is such ■■■■■■■■! Excuse my language. 2100, seriously? I think it should be done by 2050-2060 at the latest.

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Oh he’s being safe with his soft talk… that guy is just saying what can’t be criticized very easily.

That’s what most of the popularizers of science have left. Got the LHC up… found the Higgs… nothing to profoundly new occurring.

What is hell?

I have been thinking and may realize one day, that time is an illusion, and I will see my life at once, forever. At that time will I like it? If I don’t like it, if I don’t want to see repeats, endlessly, then it will be hell. Let us try to live well.

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I also believe I’ve lived many lives as a schizophrenic. I have not yet dealt with it. Whether I will in this life or not I have no idea.

Yes we are in hell. I do believe that also. For many reasons that I can’t discuss here cause it’s religious. And if you have kids your even worse off cause you’ll never get off this planet Hell now…spread your seed.

I would post you references but I’ll be banned.

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So everything you described is very similar to an episode I had a few weeks ago. I had been using a lot of THC for an unrelated physical medical condition, and I went down the rabbit hole a bit. And when I mean everything, I mean even being scared that aliens were real and using actual bugs (which are everywhere) to listen in (which was why a listening device would be called a “bug”), etc.

But in the process of all of this, I figured a few things out for myself that were extremely helpful, and I’ll share them here if it might be helpful to you.

First, a bit of background:

I’m not sure how interested you are in quantum physics, but there’s this weird phenomenon at very low levels of matter that the state of things can be two (or more) things at the same time. It doesn’t make sense, but this is actually what happens, as non-intuitive as it is.

There are a few explanations for why, and one of them is that multiverse idea you mentioned (the “many worlds” interpretation), which in a recent thought exercise paradox was the one interpretation that offered both a universal and consistent modeling of quantum mechanics.

So obviously even if there are many worlds, I can’t just change matter by thinking it. No matter how long I might stare at a spoon, it doesn’t bend. Which sort of makes sense, as would it be fair to you if you’re eating cereal and I could bend your spoon. You and I would have to be in a constant mental battle to just finish your breakfast. So there’s a convenience for social interaction in all of us sharing a measurable universe.

But things that we don’t share observations of? Such as whether I think Stranger Things is a good TV show? I can have whatever opinion I want. And I can change that opinion with some effort. (Really, try watching a show you don’t really care for and then deciding you are going to enjoy it - you may find that you can succeed in changing your own experience of reality).

During my existential break, I realized that I could do the same thing with what I was experiencing. The foundation for being able to do this was accepting that in all likelihood, based on how the quantum superposition can be two or more things at once (and even re-establish such a state “backwards” in time), that there wasn’t so much “A or B” but rather “A and B” - and which version of reality I chose to observe was up to me.

So in realizing this, I understood a lot of why I was feeling that the universe was “out to get me” was because I didn’t think I deserved eternal happiness. So I forgave myself. I decided that in general I’m a good enough person, above average on the morality scale and continuing to put in a bit of effort to continue in that direction, and that that was enough. But it was still throwing me for a loop that SOME people deserved Hell, and what if I was just rationalizing my own behavior. So I decided to forgive other people too.

I constructed an explanation for our reality that seemed plausible and would guarantee salvation for everyone. I even reinterpreted Hell as not being a place where bad people go to be tortured, but as a place where bad people go to torture other (simulated) people that successfully pass the Turing test. Which I guess would be a really bad person’s idea of Heaven (like a super-realistic Grand Theft Auto game).

After all, since my idea of Heaven probably doesn’t match up perfectly with yours, wouldn’t it be far more ethical for each of us to get our own private version of paradise, rather than needing to compromise? And that’s the thing. Because unobservable things like the nature of reality or what happens after we die aren’t able to be a shared observable like which slit a photon goes through (which needs to collapse to a single outcome for us to all share a reality), why not assume that every possibility exists and we have the ability to actively shape which meta-physics apply to us, as long as we all come together in the Venn diagram of this shared reality while we are alive?

If you are interested in my personal take on what the nature of reality is and how we are all deserve Heaven, I’d be happy to share it, but ultimately I don’t believe you have to adopt my own take on things (and as such, I didn’t want to suggest my version unless asked lest it taint your own version). I really do think each of us has the ability to write our own explanations for what and why we exist, and can make that explanation as positive or negative as we choose. And I do think those themes of self-forgiveness and the forgiveness of others that come up in world religions is an important process in being able to write a positive story even in the face of a world wrought with tragedy and suffering. And given the likelihood of a multiverse, and the very considerable possibility that consciousness spans across the multiverse (are you actually making a decision or simply choosing which multiverse to observe?), it’s altogether likely that what reality you write for yourself is as real as any reality put forward by others.

Anyhow, I hope that this perspective is as useful to you as it was to me. It seriously changed how my mind would run into manifesting a nightmarish reality in which I was terrified into one where, with a bit of constant effort (it’s easy to slip back into being scared of things), I can remind myself of the nondual nature of reality and actively decide what version of reality I’m choosing to observe.

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This fascinating stuff

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I don’t think it is too much to ask for God to give us clear proof of his/her existence, seeing as how he/she does want us to worship him/her. A God who would send people to hell for not worshipping him/her is not a good God. I guess I don’t believe in a version of God who sends people to hell. I do think there is some kind of benevolent spirit who guides the universe, though. I say that because I see so much order in nature. It is too complex and too precise to be the work of a random process. Not believing there is some kind of hand behind existence is like saying a tornado could make a jet liner. Look at how complex the eye is. No random process could create that.

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Occasionally, I know I’m in hell.

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@insidemind - I saw your other post, but it got closed. I can tell you are still struggling with things that seem very painful for you. Given a lot of your theological/metaphysical leanings are similar in some regards to my own, do you mind if I share some of the ideas that helped pull me out of a very negative place experiencing a hellish sense of reality very similar to what you’ve been describing?

If you’d rather not, I understand and would not be in the least offended if you stop reading and ignore this.

Let’s say we, in a number of years, create a computer-based intelligence. Not artificial, but a real self-aware and self-determining intelligence. Some sort of quantum computer super-being. Within that being’s manifestation of reality (as data it could control completely), would not anything it could think up become possible? Similar to Plato’s concept of how we can imagine a perfect isosceles triangle but not create a perfect one in reality.

How would such a being create ideas that it itself could not think of? Could it reproduce itself under conditions random and balanced in such a way that those copies of itself would be different enough to be seen as “other”? But how would those new consciousnesses not simply dissolve in all different directions, having reality unravel before they could control it? Maybe it would be prudent to start them off in a shared reality that the first being was able to control, but letting the subjective experience of that reality be up to those child processes spawned from itself? Maybe even a shared reality loosely based on the reality in which it was itself created?

There’s not much “new” here in this idea, it’s basically a mix of Eastern philosophy and simulation theory. But as a concept, I found it particularly interesting because it would suggest that while we can’t change our genetics, other people, or the physical world in which we find ourselves, we can control to some extent how we experience that objective reality (and such a thing might even be the whole point). And indeed, while I had been thinking of a version of a reality where things were very dark and dystopian, I realized that if in fact we were relatively young (relative to eternity) digital beings, eventually we’d be able to manifest any possible reality for ourselves we’d choose. This may just be a starter universe where we can somewhat safely and gradually learn to control our consciousness without tearing apart the fabric of our very being (even if sometimes going down the rabbit hole of subjective thought can feel that way).

Is this “the truth”? No idea. But I have no evidence that it is any more or less the truth than any other explanation for our existence. And I did find that the idea allowed me to start to “choose” my experience of reality. I decided that a universe where I was plagued by horrible experiences from the past, or experiences as you said of hours lasting for entire lifespans between blinks, the very fabric of reality being torn apart around me, etc - that all of that simply wasn’t ethical. It’s not the reality I’d choose to impart upon others, and so I denied it being imparted upon myself.

It worked.

I don’t know that it will necessarily be helpful to you, but having created this mental framework was extremely successful in eventually breaking my paranoid feedback loop, and when I started to sense that feeling of doom and gloom and thoughts of a sinister version of reality, I would simply bring to mind the knowledge of the superposition, of the greater concept of nonduality, and then actively choose a version of reality consistent with what I was observing which was in line with what I wanted it to be, rather than what I feared it was. I acknowledged that the version of reality I feared was not only possible, but could very well be made to exist (and somewhere in the infinite possibly even did), but at the same time recognized that it was simply one “solution” for the reality I observed, and granted myself the ability to choose a different solution for myself.

I didn’t think I could simply “choose” those negative ideas away (and they were really bad and really convincing). But it totally 100% worked. It’s been about a month now, and if anything I’m a little bit more at peace and happy with things in my life (as opposed to freaking out about everything).

In terms of your point about determinism, if God is infinite (I think this is likely), and our universe if finite, then our universe is “solved” to God. So God may not be playing dice, and no matter what we choose to do the outcome will be as God desires, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have free will to choose our moves (even if God will win every time). Much like playing chess against Google’s AI. Again, in the spirit of non-duality, a universe both deterministic and non-deterministic (it would also explain why our universe would be finite with an eventual heat death even if God is in an infinite plane - if our universe was infinite then it couldn’t be a “solved” system and would potentially be an infinite stalemate).

If any of these ideas are interesting to you, take whatever you’d like. I don’t present them such that you adopt them as they are - in fact I believe the whole point would be to choose the reality you’d like for yourself, which is undoubtedly not what I would choose for myself. But it may give you a foothold to help pull yourself out of the place you currently find yourself, which it seems is very unpleasant.

Good luck, and if you want to discuss any of these concepts further, I’ll be around here periodically and happy to do so. I’ve been finding your posts very interesting, and close to my own attitudes on some topics.


In my humble opinion, you should stop these energy drinks. They are harmful

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Yes! I am trying. Trying to reduce it now.

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All I can say is that I’m schizoaffective and I have delusions and I’m disabled. But I have memories of my step-father and I being computer simulators. I’m not sure if it was my real step-father or not. Probably an imposter. Plus, I was under mind control. This will probably get flagged or deleted but it was real. I was taken out of the simulation by extraterrestrials (possibly tall greys) in a past life – possibly billions or more lifetimes ago. I was a Libertarian and an Atheist and I found out we were in a computer simulation/program. I was probably the first. They said I was a god like being and they didn’t want people to worship me. So they took me out, I guess. I sometimes think I was a god or god but…

I think they are Anunnaki or something. Maybe Yahweh or whatever from the bible. He hated me because I ‘destroyed’ or told people about his simulation. I still hear him saying I’m going to get his creation destroyed by talking about simulation theory. He does not want people to know about it. It’s sad. It hurts. I’m sorry.

He thought I was the devil and I thought he was the devil. I was under him. They said I was the second smartest person. Similar to Christianity, and how Lucifer, tried outsmarting God, I felt like that a lot. I was a good person who just tried figuring out the truth about aliens and simulation theory. I’m sorry if I offend anyone. But I think the people running this simulation are pure blood reptilians. I was born on Earth and was originally human. But I think even in my original life billions of lifetimes ago, we still were in a simulation. The movie is wrong, there aren’t six versions. There are countless versions. The tall greys hate them. They said they would destroy the simulations. I hate simulations too now. I’ve been tortured and experimented on so much. I just want and wanted to be a real person. I am and so are all of you.

I felt like a god-like being in a past – a deity or something. The bible doesn’t say God has a step-son. He doesn’t. Anyways, it goes against Christianity and it’s blasphemy. I believe outside the simulation or the real world, Christianity is real and true and I’ve probably been there. Sorry if I offend anyone.

I have this beautiful, unique memory where I can remember stuff no one else on this planet can – that I can think of. We do live in a sim. We will find out someday – again. Last remarks, my step-dad has no clue what I’m talking about and he is an evangelical. Only I remember, which makes me think it wasn’t him!

And the furthest I made it on earth was the New Earth from the bible. My mom talked about it to me when I was a kid. It was after Heaven or something, where man comes back to the Earth. Out of trillions of lives or more, I only made it there once. I was kicked out of the New Earth or left. I cannot remember or I forgot.

That’s all I have to say.