I don’t even know where to begin. My daughter is 18 now. She is a senior in high school. She has been diagnosed as bipolar. No hallucinations or other sz inclinations. Self-harm and mood swings, mostly. She has been hospitalized three previous times because of suicidal ideation. One time was an actual OD. Each time was precipitated by a break-up with a boyfriend. The first boyfriend was verbally and emotionally abusive to her. His name is Jake. She was dating him long-distance when she was 15. A year ago, she had us call the cops on him because of some threatening things he was posting about her on social media. When the cops came to the house, they asked her when the last time she has contact with him was, and she said- much to my surprise and dismay- about a MONTH ago! But that was last year. Boyfriend #2 sexually assaulted her. Boyfriend #3 was fine but “contributed” to the trauma. She can’t be around a boy in one of her classes because he reminds her too much of Boyfriend #2. She makes a big deal of it if I drive past Boyfriend #3’s house.
Tonight, she asked to talk to me and confessed that she had been talking to Boyfriend #1, Jake, again- the emotionally/verbally abusive one that we had called the cops on for her. He broke up with her. She is feeling suicidal. She wanted to go in to a clinic again. So I took her to a clinic. But I am so FRUSTRATED! And so ANGRY! WHY would she talk to him?! Why can’t she leave him alone?! She knows we wouldn’t allow the contact! She admitted that she planned to meet up with him in February, but she was only talking to him to give him a “second chance” and for “closure”. That’s a load of B.S. if you ask me. I’m so mad I’m seeing red. She KNEW we wouldn’t have allowed her to talk to him because he’s poison. I don’t know what to do with her. I’m definitely taking away her phone and computer. She keeps getting into trouble with relationships through them and obviously can’t handle it. She just isn’t mature enough.
She’s been to counseling before, but she always ends up refusing to go, and when I make her, she just comes right back out because she refused to talk. I don’t know what to do with her. Why doesn’t she learn? Why can’t she handle relationships? Why is breaking up such a crisis? And what’s worse is, when she does break up with someone and feel suicidal afterwards, she initially starts by telling me “I broke up with. so and so” but then claims that the break up wasn’t the cause of her being suicidal. However, each time she’s been in a clinic, it’s been after a break-up, and each time she asks to go into a clinic, she starts by telling me about her break up! What the heck, it’s not about the break up?
That is a hard one, but I can share my insight as this is right up my alley!!
First, remember she is bipolar and the chemical imbalance is really the true origin of the suicidal behavior…the boyfriends just feed it.
In my experience, a parents wishes or restrictions can’t prevent a girls emotions or keep them in check. My guess is she is feeling so rejected that she is trying to find approval in some way or form from the same boys that rejected her. Nobody likes to be dumped or feel rejected, but for some reason we think if we can win the guy back that dumped us that it’ll solve the rejection issue.
A young woman has very little understanding of boys or relationships. She is driven by her emotions and doesn’t yet have the years of relationship experience to understand what is really going. In her eyes, she doesn’t see how toxic a guy really is, nor will she see it even if EVERYONE tells her so. All she knows is how she FEELS and it overwhelms her!! That can make a girl desperate to find a solution as all she wants to do is to figure out a way to rectify what she is feeling because she can’t handle it. The fact that she is bipolar only intensifies it and adds an unstable factor to the mix. That’s why you can’t get a straight answer from her and she seems all over the place…mentally she kind of is.
I know you feel frustrated and furious, but understand it doesn’t sound like she has much control over it…it controls her! Is she on medication as that can make a big difference? Patience and understanding is really my best advice at this point…although I realize it’s easier said than done. I was a relationship counselor and also worked a lot with teens, which is why I said this was right up my alley. Been taking a break to focus on my own illness. I do really miss helping people though.
I feel much calmer now that it’s not right after the fact. My husband and I have decided that we are going to go to a family counselor for suggestions on how to work with her. We know from past experience that she won’t attend with us, but maybe we can get some insight on how to best handle things.
Counseling truly can do wonders. It helps you learn to extract yourself emotionally from a situation and try to look back in as if you were in her shoes…mental illness, emotions and all. I’ve always told my clients…think of yourself in a play and you get handed a piece of paper from the director telling you the character you need to portray. You have to become that character so the audience can truly understand who she is. It takes conditioning and practice to do…especially learning to extract yourself and your own emotions from it. But if you’re truly able to do it, you start seeing the world differently and almost get to experience what they are going through to a degree and you’ll be able to connect with her a lot easier. Life truly is similar to a play and the people in our lives are like the characters. If we only see our own perspective and our own emotions, there will almost always be conflict and little resolution. But it sounds like your outlook is much more open and understanding now so that excellent. Feel free to send me a message if you need any quick insight before you are able to get into a couselor as this is what I live for! ️
Sounds like she likes drama, she is still young but 18 (adult). My therapist told me go for walks, lol. what? yeah let go. She has to skin her knees. I tried not to watch.
I hope that doesn’t sound cold but at 18 we raised them. We tried to teach them right from wrong, offered all we had and all we knew. Now she is learning to live on her own. If she asks for advice offer your opinion then let it go, let her decide. If we try to push ourselves and our ideals on them as adults it becomes codependency and they will end up blaming you for their problems. Instead let them decide, then they take their own credit and blame for their endeavours. It’s their life not yours. Don’t get so caught up in someone else’s drama that you forget you. Smell the roses take care of you.
One of the hardest things in my treatment was how to handle high EE family member which in my case was my mother. She reacted to my behavior and that was the true stress for me. Do you and your daughter live together? I was so severe while I was living with her but after I begun to live alone, I’ve gotten so stable I haven’t hospitalized ever since. My mother’s reaction was the true stress for me. But when I told her and my doctor/social worker I wanted to live alone they all initially stopped me because I was severe. But the very reason why I was severe was because I was living with my mother. No one saw this dynamic but me.
This is my case and I don’t know this is also the case with your daughter but I guess you need to keep a little distance from her. If you keep distance and calm, you better handle things which in turn will be good for her.
Taking away your daughter’s computer might help a little bit, but she can always gain access to computers at the library, at school, and other places. If she’s determined to have contact with her abusive boyfriends she probably can. It sounds like your daughter has some real self esteem issues. Teenagers have their own mentality, which is sometimes inconceivable to adults. Try to keep the lines of communication between you and your daughter as open as you can. She’s probably going to be secretive with you, so try to break down the barriers between you and her. Other than that, I don’t know what to tell you. Try to keep track of her so she can’t get too out of hand. Try to keep both sides of this conflict from becoming alienated. Get as much advice from mental health professionals as you can.
Sounds like there’s a lot more going on than boy troubles. Teen years are hard, please be kind and understanding. I hope she finds a therapist or pdoc she can trust enough to talk about all those why’s. Maybe one for you too, seems like you’ve got a whole lot on your mind with this too. Understandably. I’m sorry I’m not much help but wishing good luck on you and your daughter.
Thank you all for the replies. In our visits with my daughter, we have been keeping things light and friendly. No blame or accusations. We want to foster communication. We think that is something that we really need to work on. I don’t think that she talked to the boy with any thought of breaking our trust in mind. She says she wanted closure, and I believe her, bad idea though it may have been. We have a counselor lined up for my husband and me to go to to discuss how best to work with her and deal with some of the stuff she’s going through. We thought we were going to get to meet with her today, but then we never heard anything about a time, so I guess not. We would like to do family therapy, but my daughter is wishy washy about it.
Dude. You realize you are telling a mother not to worry about her daughter right?
Do you not really understand the concept of being a parent? I don’t have any children but even I can imagine the crazy amount of love and protection that takes place between a child and mother.
As for everyone saying she’s being dramatic and immature. I have some insight since I was 18 only a few years ago.
I was also diagnosed with bipolar and dealing with hospital visits and suicidal ideation and was crazy in love with a dumb boy.
Please don’t underestimate her. At 18, you are an adult. Life is still confusing, yes. But you aren’t a child unable to make decisions. Life is so hard as a young woman. Especially when you put mental illness on top of hormones.
I’m sure she isn’t being overdramatic. To her these issues mean the entire world. Try not and blow off people’s struggles. As a teen, my parents thought I was being a drama queen too. So I attempted suicide to spite them. I fought as hard as I could and said whatever I had to get what I wanted.
I was with a boy that my parents hated. They tried keeping us away, thinking he was a bad influence on me. I wanted him so obviously I ran away and basically destroyed my relationship with my parents. 7 years later and I’m still with the boy and now him and my parents get along terrific. Sometimes things just need time.
I’m not trying to say the that your daughters ex boyfriends aren’t problematic, and I’m also not specifically talking to you about trying to be more understanding.
I’m talking to everyone. People can be far too hard on teenagers, truth is that point of life is one of the hardest and most confusing time. They aren’t idiots either. Don’t treat them like you’re better then them just because you think you know more about life.
That’s the main reason why young people can hate adults.
I was a relationship counselor and also worked a lot with teens, which is why I said this was right up my alley. Been taking a break to focus on my own illness. I do really miss helping people though.
Feel free to send me a message if you need any quick insight before you are able to get into a couselor as this is what I live for! 
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