Sneaky brained excuses... Another hurdle in wellness

I have had my self-confidence so beaten up by this illness that I’ve become use to using it as my excuse. I didn’t realize to what extent until yesterday afternoon.

I’ve had my job as a gardener for almost 2+ years now and I just started school to try and get into the horticulture program so I could transfer over to the green houses and conservatory. For ages I was sure I could never do school because who ever heard of an Sz student? Now I find… lots and lots. (thank you Sz. com for that)

My plant killing neighbor has been trying to learn to surf and paddle board, so I’ve been teaching her. Then I was teaching her and her younger brother; then I was teaching her, her younger brother and her cousin…

This weekend I’m teaching her, her younger brother, her cousin and the brothers friend…
This is when my plant killing neighbor said… “you’ve joked around about this… what would happen if you were serious and just got your surf instructor license and made a little money at this?”

But I’ve only joked about being a surf instructor. It’s just a joke… besides I’m Sz.

So I tell my sis about this joke again and she immediately brings out a stack of paperwork and a teaching manual. She sent away for it a few weeks ago. It’s the manual you have to study for the test to become a surf instructor and the paper work is all the legal stuff I have to agree to.

Like I have to agree to pay my taxes and not molest students and take a course in risk management and run the classes ethically.

She told me that the insurance and legal stuff is a bit tricky and technical, the rest is not that hard. The she looked me in the eye and said… “I will if you will.”

But it was only a joke. There is NO way I can do this. But as I started looking at the book… it’s not that hard. If you didn’t know how to surf or swim it might be. Yes… it’s a work out, but not impossible.

But then my sneaky brain started kicking in… who ever heard of an SZ surf instructor… who ever heard of an Sz business owner. You can’t work a toaster… how are you going to teach surfing? It’s better to just forget it and not try for this… As soon as I heard myself tell my sis out loud… “I don’t know… It might be too triggering. I am Sz after all”

She stomped her foot at me… the second time in her life EVER that she’s stomped her foot at me. She said “I know you have Sz, but that’s no reason to give up on something that you want.”

She had a counter argument for every excuse I had. My sneaky brained thinking was fighting for all it was worth… “no, Sz has made me lower functioning then other people, Sz has made me weak, Sz has made me too unpredictable”

I’ve been fighting against all these sneaky brained excuses and trying to get better. But it’s amazing how that self defeatist attitude kicks in so fast. It’s like my own brain is trying to keep me down. Why is my own brain trying to do this? I get really angry at my brain for doing this some times. Other times I give in to my brain and roll over and hide in bed.

But I was just so amazed to hear myself sounding so helpless. I’m not helpless. That is the hardest part to realize I think… I’m not helpless. Once one fully believes that they are not helpless… things change.

Things take longer, and might be harder, and have to be done differently… but they are not impossible.

So I’m going to hit the books as well as hit the waves and I’m at least going to read the teaching manual and do the on-line test. If that goes well, I’ll gear myself up for step two. :surfer: :mortar_board:


I’m not sure that it is all a SZ thing. For years now I have known that I need to get over my insecurities about driving again. I used to drive all the time but not since I got clean. My confidence is completely gone in that department. I freaked a bit when my husband bought a standard. Me drive a standard… I can’t… I’m not even comfortable driving an automatic right now… I have driven a standard before. Before I was an addict.

Good for sis for stomping her foot at you :wink: You can do this even if you do it in baby steps.


Look at it this way - what else do you know better than surfing? Who else could be better at teaching someone how to surf?

Throughout my years of working my way up the corporate ladder, with each new position I was interested in applying for, I recall thinking “how could I ever do that job like so-and-so” and being scared to take it on. I had a boss who once told me, “don’t be afraid of it - you will put your own spin on the job and be fine”. I found out she was right. The first few days were always scary but then things just fell into place.

From my perspective, you have everything it takes to be a great instructor - high IQ, EQ, know-how and passion. I’m glad you’re reading the manual - I’m rooting for you :wink:


Go for it James! You can totally do this! You’ve been surfing for years, and you’ve taught many people. Plus, you’re higher functioning than you give yourself credit for.

You’re much more highly functioning than I am. If I can manage to keep my nursing license active every year, then you can become a surf instructor!

I’m supporting you all the way :slight_smile:

Many Blessings,



I would definitely say to go for it. You said you feel calm and peaceful in the water, and you’re good at surfing and you love it. This might be THE best thing for you.

like @radmedtech just said, you function more highly than you give yourself credit for.


J - I would say go for it. If this is really what you want, shoot for the stars :stars:


EVERYONE has a voice in their head that tries to slow them down-especially when it comes to your personal dreams. We all have to tell that negative voiceto shut up. Also, we all have our own ways and timing. It took my sister 10 years to get her degree–but she got it! Time is going to pass-you might as well be doing something you love [ and making money:). Yeah!


believe it or not but i can fly planes, well cesna 150’s, i like you, thought i would never be able to study etc…
but i did it, it took me longer and i struggled with the books, but i did it…it felt good to achieve a dream…
just go for it…you will be a great teacher.
as sz we are braver than we know…
take care


Thank you Darksith. I am going for it. I have a few months to study the book before the test is due.

Wow, that is cool. How long did it take you?

Do you still get to fly?

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That’s really neat. You should make use of that talent and do something you genuinely love to do.

I wish I had a sister like yours. I could use a good kick right about now myself. I’ve messed up so many times due to my illness. Whenever I tried to climb back up I would fall apart and have to restart again. It got to a point where I just didn’t really care anymore. I must admit it gets hard trying to see what future I can make for myself. I’ve forgotten a lot of things I’ve been able to do. I don’t even draw anymore.

I hope you continue to go for this. It’d be a shame if you let it go to waste.

J., why don’t you get your surf instructor license and then you can be our role model poster person for Sz?

Darksith, you hold a private pilot’s license (airplane single engine land)? Wow, you could also be a role model for us Sz’rs!

That airplane in the picture is a Cessna 150M registered out of Petaluma, CA. Not far from me.

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Yeah, making money at something you like and something you are good at would put you ahead of many “normies”.


you will be great at it, teaching takes wisdom and you have that.
it took over a year for me to learn, i was not a natural at it !!
i have not flown for ages…but i will again.
take care


of course no one knew i was sz back then, now i am on the public record it may change things , we will have to see.
either way i will still fly.
take care


I was just in awe for your pilots license Darksith, because it takes a lot of spirit to fly.
I can take off (pull the yoke!) if someone works the pedals and flaps, but, unfortunately, I can’t land​:flushed:…and that is more important.:pensive:

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cool, if you can take off you can land, but landing is kind of fundamental !! but flying is actually not hard to learn it is really like driving a car, for me the landing was the fun part especially in a good cross wind, at the last moment dipping the wing into the wind so as not to be blown of course.
you should go for it and learn.
in the states you can get a mosquito helicopter single seat , without a licence.
take care


My ex got his pilots license in 1989 doing all the training with me tucked away in the back of the plane until he solo’d (naturally). He also holds a CFI (instructors) license and tried many times to teach me.
I have the utmost respect for safety, mine and others, and I knew it would be more than I can handle. He is a very good pilot. I always felt safe with him flying the plane and would trust my life with him. (We) had a cessna 172, well he still does since it would be of no use to me. I love to fly, especially with turbulence…sigh, I do miss going up in the blue.

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One time we landed in a 28 mile an hour cross wind, he did an excellent job as expected, but I think we both had to change out pants😱.

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My absolute favorite part is when I would get sleepy on some of the long flights, and he would suddenly pull up as much as the plane could safely stand then drop in a dive bomb sending my head into the roof.
Gosh it was fun. He would only do this a few times because unfortunately he would feel air sick.:stuck_out_tongue:

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i am impressed, cool plane.
i remember a lesson we were just doing circuits around the dinky airport , it was turbulant the whole time.
my instructor and i both felt and looked very sick.
that experience made me get out of bed very early in the morning so i would miss the turbulance.
take care

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