I have had my self-confidence so beaten up by this illness that I’ve become use to using it as my excuse. I didn’t realize to what extent until yesterday afternoon.
I’ve had my job as a gardener for almost 2+ years now and I just started school to try and get into the horticulture program so I could transfer over to the green houses and conservatory. For ages I was sure I could never do school because who ever heard of an Sz student? Now I find… lots and lots. (thank you Sz. com for that)
My plant killing neighbor has been trying to learn to surf and paddle board, so I’ve been teaching her. Then I was teaching her and her younger brother; then I was teaching her, her younger brother and her cousin…
This weekend I’m teaching her, her younger brother, her cousin and the brothers friend…
This is when my plant killing neighbor said… “you’ve joked around about this… what would happen if you were serious and just got your surf instructor license and made a little money at this?”
But I’ve only joked about being a surf instructor. It’s just a joke… besides I’m Sz.
So I tell my sis about this joke again and she immediately brings out a stack of paperwork and a teaching manual. She sent away for it a few weeks ago. It’s the manual you have to study for the test to become a surf instructor and the paper work is all the legal stuff I have to agree to.
Like I have to agree to pay my taxes and not molest students and take a course in risk management and run the classes ethically.
She told me that the insurance and legal stuff is a bit tricky and technical, the rest is not that hard. The she looked me in the eye and said… “I will if you will.”
But it was only a joke. There is NO way I can do this. But as I started looking at the book… it’s not that hard. If you didn’t know how to surf or swim it might be. Yes… it’s a work out, but not impossible.
But then my sneaky brain started kicking in… who ever heard of an SZ surf instructor… who ever heard of an Sz business owner. You can’t work a toaster… how are you going to teach surfing? It’s better to just forget it and not try for this… As soon as I heard myself tell my sis out loud… “I don’t know… It might be too triggering. I am Sz after all”
She stomped her foot at me… the second time in her life EVER that she’s stomped her foot at me. She said “I know you have Sz, but that’s no reason to give up on something that you want.”
She had a counter argument for every excuse I had. My sneaky brained thinking was fighting for all it was worth… “no, Sz has made me lower functioning then other people, Sz has made me weak, Sz has made me too unpredictable”
I’ve been fighting against all these sneaky brained excuses and trying to get better. But it’s amazing how that self defeatist attitude kicks in so fast. It’s like my own brain is trying to keep me down. Why is my own brain trying to do this? I get really angry at my brain for doing this some times. Other times I give in to my brain and roll over and hide in bed.
But I was just so amazed to hear myself sounding so helpless. I’m not helpless. That is the hardest part to realize I think… I’m not helpless. Once one fully believes that they are not helpless… things change.
Things take longer, and might be harder, and have to be done differently… but they are not impossible.
So I’m going to hit the books as well as hit the waves and I’m at least going to read the teaching manual and do the on-line test. If that goes well, I’ll gear myself up for step two.