As I sat at home waiting for my sis to walk through the door, I was actually planning on a fight. I was sort of hoping for it. I was hoping she’d do something to set me off and then I could be angry.
It’s a very intense and immediate feeling. It’s a rush of energy and hard hitting thing.
I don’t like it in general. But for some reason, after getting off the hook angry over this week, I’m getting angry all the time. I’m not working as hard to hold back the tide of anger. I haven’t been trying to find my center and calm.
I realized last night, I’ve just been letting myself get off the hook easily because it does seem to pack some sort of energy punch. Logically, I don’t like it, but there is no mistaking it. You know anger when it hits.
Besides, it’s not helping my living situation. Last night, I really wanted a fight. I was really hoping to get into an argument. But it never happened because my sis stayed at our other brothers house again.
That made another very hard night for me. Maybe I just needed to burn out. Because after two nights of bad sleep, no real meals, thinking people were breaking in, getting panicked, flipping out over a lot of stuff, still not finding my shoes and then ending up very lonely, the anger phase is dulling down again.
I’m beginning to understand why anger hits so easily while other emotions seem to be dulled down and delayed. I’m going to revisit my anger management books and get this back under control. I am not proud of my actions this week.
I wish I knew what was actually triggering this so I could stop it. Maybe I do need to slow down. But that sort of makes me irritated too. I don’t want much. I just want to get through my day. I’m just trying to keep up. That’s not too much to ask.