Sick of everything, thinking bad stuff

DX'd - Other
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I just feel really f***ed. Sometimes I am calm and even happy, but the way I feel changes constantly. No state of mood ever lasts for more than a few hours or days. I get depressed and exhausted, or irritable and angry, occasionally hypomanic and giggly, but my moods change suddenly and drastically and it never seems to just stay normal for very long.

I’m angry at the world and at society (not you folks here, you are all good people, just society in general) for being so ignorant, for being sheep, for allowing the world to crumble around us, for allowing lying scumbag governments to control every aspect of our lives, I’m angry because there is poverty and war and greed and corruption and lies and racism and misguided, manufactured fear and hatred and we are bombarded with propaganda and misinformation to keep us passive and even though I can see the whole picture so clearly I’m powerless to change it and I just don’t want to live in a world where I can see so clearly how wrong everything is and there is nothing to be done.

I’m sick of ruminating obsessively over everything I say and do. I’m sick of worrying about the neighbours spying on me and gossiping about me, I’m sick of the way strangers look at me when I go out and how they judge and make assumptions, I’m sick of not being able to switch my brain off for a second and the stupid and negative and pointless and irritating and nonsensical crap that my brain hurtles at me all day and night, I’m sick of just not being able to stay the same for more than a few hours and of just never being able to stop thinking and just have a few minutes of peace and quiet in my mind.

I’m sick of feeling like no one really knows me or knows how life is for me because I hide from them and don’t see the point in telling anyone anyway because what can anyone possibly say or do that will change anything? Just because I ‘like’ a funny post on facebook or make a funny comment doesn’t mean life is ■■■■■■■ fantastic.

The truth is I just don’t feel I belong in this world. I never have and never will. The only way I could ever be truly happy, or at least content, would be to live somewhere really remote, have no human contact except for my boyfriend, and fill my days growing crops and tending livestock, just attending to the basics of survival. But I can’t think of any way to make that happen.

Things have gotten to the stage where I often fantasise about dying even when I am not ‘feeling’ depressed. I resent that I know people and that they care for me and that I am obliged not to end my life because of the effect it would have on them. I’m just sick of this world and I’m sick of being me.

Sorry for this pathetic self-pitying ranting. Restraining myself is painful. Had to let it out.

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Sending love @Turquoise!

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but the way I feel changes constantly.

I suffer from the same thing, but it doesn’t seem as severe as you. I just have good days and bad days and accept it now.

Is this a mood disorder you’re describing? Are you on a mood stabiliser?

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I am the same way. One minute I am agitated and the next minute I am laughing and joking around

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Thank you Moomop.

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How long you been feeling this way
I have similar symptoms but have improved over time
I can feel quite well and then get really depressed around menstrual cycle
I can get really irritable too

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Yeah diagnosed as schizoaffective. My mood episodes used to last for months at a time, these days it’s hours and days, sometimes it feels like minutes. I was on lithium before but I’m not taking that now. I’m only taking 50mg quetiapine, (irregularly) it’s a tiny dose and probably not even worth bothering with. I’ve been on so many combinations of meds and by the time they start to touch my symptoms I’m a drooling zombie. The sedation and side effects are unbearable. Not being on meds is becoming equally unbearable. Never have managed to find a balance.

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That time of month definitely makes it even worse than usual.

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I am a hot mess before

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It’s back to the meds drawing board then. I hope you find something that works. I wish there was something I could suggest. Maybe post a separate topic about mood disorders to get input from others who are taking mood disorder meds?

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I suppose it is back to the drawing board. I can’t stand being like this. The worst part is I new my old psychiatrist for 7 or 8 years, but having moved house I’m now with a brand new doctor who knows nothing about me, it’s like starting from scratch. They have my notes I suppose but they don’t know me, and they haven’t witnessed my many states of being. It just sucks so much that things are spiralling out of control and I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

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I am sorry that you are feeling this way @Turquoise.
I feel this way many times but not as much since going back on Depakote.
Maybe a mood stabilizer will help to feel more balanced.
It can’t hurt to talk to your doctor about it.

Sending you virtual Hugs your way.

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I am an actor, a magic mirror. What is on the outside does not reflect what is on the inside. I force a smile, bite my tongue, hide the truths and project so many false faces that I have lost myself, there is no me, just a mess of moods and psychosis that morphs so often that there is no tangible truth to my being. I keep myself in an imaginary straitjacket, though all I want is to let myself explode, it’s like trying to contain a nuclear bomb in a shoebox, but if I let go for a moment I might not be able to stop. Tick, tick, tick…

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I bottle myself up to until I have a meltdown

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That’s what it feels like. Trying to contain it all, trying to quell it because I know all too well that if I let it out it won’t stop. This is a dangerous state for me. I’ve broken furniture, punched holes through doors, hurt people, hurt myself. The inner tension is horrible. It’s been a long time since I’ve been like this but at least I have the insight now that it is better to fight for control than to give in to it.

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