A mood disorder. Fast cycling bipolar…or however they call it.
Just two weeks ago I was feeling very energetic, you might say a bit hyper, finished much of my essays and studied what I have to… Then just like that, a turn off. Depression hits, and always those thoughts; you are not worth,piece of ■■■■. Nevermind.
I didn’t tell so far that I was waiting for the feedback from my professor about my eventual engagement at my university…as an assistant
I was actually hoping it won’t happen because I’m so anxious about it.
But today morning he called. I didn’t answered. He sent a message notifying me about stuff…
My head was foggy. Thoughts displaced. I wanted just to shut off and to sleep. But first I felt so weak like I can’t do it, and mind goes " you cannot do it. You cannot do it. I hate your every breath. I hate every piece of you. Why is this happening to me?". So on. Just like that.
I went to sleep.
I know I have to do it.
You people don’t know the whole story but I just need to do this job. Its a little but only decent thing I got now.
I feel bad…and I would just like to run away. But I know I cannot do it.
If people only know how hard it is.
But today morning he called. I didn’t answered. He sent a message notifying me about stuff…
It could be important. Should you call him back?
From what you said the meds are doing a rubbish job of keeping you stable. If you are currently on meds that is.
One can push themselves to much, If you can’t do it and can carry on without it, do not worry about it. Because I have to work I have at time pushed myself to the edge of insanity, it’s not fun and a simple task can be over whelming and use up that last nerve you have left.
Try not to let it get you down to much
I couldn’t couldn’t call him back. He called twice I I could sense he is a bit fed up with it. But later I responded with message and I should show up tomorrow…
It is basically like I’m pushing myself against myself. If there were no people around me who are expecting me to do it…my family, my mentor, my kid…I probably wouldn’t do it.
It is literary a fight against myself.
Missed opportunities… sounds like me.
Can I ask why you think you can’t do it Sarad?
You’re intelligent and capable… I guess it’s the illness.
If I told you my delusions you wouldn’t understand them either.
I think you’re a very nice person, I find it strange you would not like yourself …
Mental illness sucks.
you’ll bragging rights someday for finishing school with a mental disorder,
I know I do. I always tell my mother though
“Don’t let that be a standard, mom.”
I hope you feel better soon! I don’t have a mood disorder so I don’t know what it’s like to have your symptoms, but we all go through rough patches with our illnesses. I just made a post the other day about feeling overwhelmed with work myself. You’re a strong person and I believe you can get through this 
Its funny because if only this happened a few days ago i would still be nervous but much more ready. Now its like my whole mind goes against any activity and responsibility… And I’m trying to go against it.
@Prospero if you can understand, the ‘physical’ look only adds to the problem. People expect that you are…what you really aren’t.
Wow are you complaining about being good looking
I wasn’t talking about your looks, from your posts here on this forum you seem a good person.
I’m not sure how your looks add to the problem…
I guess I don’t understand.
But I think you’re being very hard on yourself… if you don’t like yourself.
@Sarad are you talking about keeping a job? or losing a boyfriend? either way I hope you get better…do you have a pdoc?
I don’t know. I am so afraid…that’s it. I want to hide.
Can I ask what it is you’re afraid of?
I get those ‘run away’ feelings too,
I actually attempted once, but with my kids.
A good book to read on this is Rabbit, Run by John Updike
Its like… I will wake up one day and be like ’ I cannot go today’. And I won’t go. Couple more of ‘those days’ and my reputation is sort of confirmed. I’m pushing myself but I know it will be anything but smooth.
How do you working people hold it really?
Haven’t seen her in a months. I am sort of…I think she can’t help me. What is she can do anyway? Last time I cried at her office she gave me damn abilify which made me sleepy and hungry. Before that, when I crashed there she made me stay in hospital.
Blah…
Sorry if I write too much. It is just too much.
I know what it is like to fight against yourself. The negative symptoms want me to never leave the house or see anyone. Never want me to do what I like even in the house. My experience has been to fight against these and go out and be around people every day. I know depression makes it harder because of the apathy. Maybe try calling your pdoc and also write down the benefits of fitting against this. 
i think i know how that feels
There’s time I can’t, Other times I go to work, load a heavy load spend to much time making it secure, get to where I unload it and breath a overwhelming sigh of relief as my nerves were stretched to the limits think everyone was watching, day after day, insanity approaches.
I have to do it, keeps a roof over my head, that all that keeps me going and yes I would rather call it a day.
If you are going to be putting yourself in that sort of situation and don’t have to, pass and feel better you did…
Oh and boyfriend @jukebox …I better never have one because I only crush on wrong ones. You know… The Michael Myers type…lol.
My mother is so conservative that I cannot speak a word with her without getting a moral lesson with god calling and many prayers made just for my case.
Okay…really I write too much.