I feel pretty sick of this insane life crap. It’s not fun for me. I have been having mood swings lately. Not really mood swings, more like I go from insane and agitated to bitter and drugged. I noticed after taking my bed time anxiolytic I have been feeling depressed about where I am in life. I wake up like that too but then drink enough caffeine to make a catatonic person do jumping jacks.
My mood was very stable before all these drugs- it was irate and slightly depressed. Just bitter but bitter with a strong bite. Like sit around feeling like a psychotic piece of ■■■■ because I was one, then working out mainly to feel a different kind of pain.
When I say workout I mean military grade dangerous ■■■■. I know working out. I just feel like ■■■■. I keep thinking of who I was when I was 17, before this ■■■■ happened- I was a robustly healthy fighter but afraid of females. I was straight edge, no drugs not even coffee or aspirin. I would train three hours at least every day and sleep like 6 hours and feel nice and rested. I was an honors student at a prestigious school. I had friends, I was cool. I wanted to join SEALs, hence the excessive exercise.
Now I wake up and its like what pills and more pills and nausea and coffee and vomiting, then anxiety all day, then the symptoms from the morning (positive symptoms) come back and then its drugged the ■■■■ to sleep. I still workout, I am in impressive shape. Like pretty damn seriously in shape. I do well in school, I am in honors this honors that 3.9 blah blah blah. I just dont like this.
I dont even know why I am posting this. I guess I just wanted to share how I really feel with people who actually experience what I do. I mean I am sitting here postponing going to bed because I have chronic nightmares and have been waking up in the middle of the night lately. I have been having some chest pains as well, I also had to double my nexium to not throw breakfast and morning meds up, I see my GP tomorrow.
No matter what I do, I am a shadow of who I used to be. I am at best 70% of who I used to be. That’s on my very best days of the entire year. Sure, I am so “far in recovery” that people can’t tell that I am severely mentally ill by multiple disorders. That might be the worst part; no one takes me seriously when I say that I am not okay. They dont believe me. I’ve even tried to get committed to the local mental hospital. I pulled a big knife out in the kitchen and screamed that I would cut my guts open, my family didnt even give a ■■■■ and brushed it off. Something is wrong here.
I should have been hospitalized on multiple occasions but they wont do it. I mean I even TRIED to get hospitalized.
They want me to get in a PhD program, a certain one at a certain school. I mean I actually have the credentials. I would like to do that program, but I am here and now.
I dunno…I’m just feeling like ■■■■. I am worried about my chest pains, that and the fact that the heart rate thing on the treadmill goes up to 178 sometimes. The vomiting is not as bad on the double nexium, but I doubled it myself without asking the doctors. The pain is in the left side of my chest and its sometimes like sudden and acute, other times its like a sharp pain that comes every several seconds or so.