I'm not feeling well, but I am doing well

I feel pretty sick of this insane life crap. It’s not fun for me. I have been having mood swings lately. Not really mood swings, more like I go from insane and agitated to bitter and drugged. I noticed after taking my bed time anxiolytic I have been feeling depressed about where I am in life. I wake up like that too but then drink enough caffeine to make a catatonic person do jumping jacks.

My mood was very stable before all these drugs- it was irate and slightly depressed. Just bitter but bitter with a strong bite. Like sit around feeling like a psychotic piece of ■■■■ because I was one, then working out mainly to feel a different kind of pain.

When I say workout I mean military grade dangerous ■■■■. I know working out. I just feel like ■■■■. I keep thinking of who I was when I was 17, before this ■■■■ happened- I was a robustly healthy fighter but afraid of females. I was straight edge, no drugs not even coffee or aspirin. I would train three hours at least every day and sleep like 6 hours and feel nice and rested. I was an honors student at a prestigious school. I had friends, I was cool. I wanted to join SEALs, hence the excessive exercise.

Now I wake up and its like what pills and more pills and nausea and coffee and vomiting, then anxiety all day, then the symptoms from the morning (positive symptoms) come back and then its drugged the ■■■■ to sleep. I still workout, I am in impressive shape. Like pretty damn seriously in shape. I do well in school, I am in honors this honors that 3.9 blah blah blah. I just dont like this.

I dont even know why I am posting this. I guess I just wanted to share how I really feel with people who actually experience what I do. I mean I am sitting here postponing going to bed because I have chronic nightmares and have been waking up in the middle of the night lately. I have been having some chest pains as well, I also had to double my nexium to not throw breakfast and morning meds up, I see my GP tomorrow.

No matter what I do, I am a shadow of who I used to be. I am at best 70% of who I used to be. That’s on my very best days of the entire year. Sure, I am so “far in recovery” that people can’t tell that I am severely mentally ill by multiple disorders. That might be the worst part; no one takes me seriously when I say that I am not okay. They dont believe me. I’ve even tried to get committed to the local mental hospital. I pulled a big knife out in the kitchen and screamed that I would cut my guts open, my family didnt even give a ■■■■ and brushed it off. Something is wrong here.

I should have been hospitalized on multiple occasions but they wont do it. I mean I even TRIED to get hospitalized.

They want me to get in a PhD program, a certain one at a certain school. I mean I actually have the credentials. I would like to do that program, but I am here and now.

I dunno…I’m just feeling like ■■■■. I am worried about my chest pains, that and the fact that the heart rate thing on the treadmill goes up to 178 sometimes. The vomiting is not as bad on the double nexium, but I doubled it myself without asking the doctors. The pain is in the left side of my chest and its sometimes like sudden and acute, other times its like a sharp pain that comes every several seconds or so.

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I feel you man , the insane feeling is torture to me.

Picture sitting motionless in a pool indefinitely… chill that mind out

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I need to picture being naked on a beach with men dancing :sunny:

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Well we both have the cardio, caffeine and chest pains in common. It’s nice to have you guys to talk with. And your idea of a beach sounds good to me too.


Love you mouse… hang in there man

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I agree, thats off. I did the same thing (i didn’t say i would cut my guts out, but i said i would kill myself) and my family callled the police.

Man i know the feeling

I :heart: you too :mouse: stay safe and watch your caffiene intake.

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Yeah, Hang in there Mortimer - You have got a lot on your plate right now.

If you can try not to do so much - lessen your workload a bit, Hang back a bit.


I think you’re both over inflating who you used to be.

Post sz we have no choice but to embrace weaknesses in our characters that have been there the whole time.

I feel like a better man than I ever have. Just sucks I hallucinate all the time.

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I disagree. My social skills before my illness were average or above average. now they’re way below average. it has to do with cognition. i cant process what people say or read emotion very well.

but you could be right. life was never perfect but at least i went to school/ talked to people / played sports. all that is gone.

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I shared at AA that I get mad because I don’t look a certain way or have certain things. BUT now it’s suppose to be, those moments that I’m at peace in my mind. I forget that and overwhelm myself with trying to live up to the old me.

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I was speaking drastically… it’s just ■■■■■■■ sad all around… I can’t be that nervous introverted stoner I used to be… I was happy back then.

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AA didn’t work for me because I kept starting over and wanting to drink. I have only binge drank twice since I got on meds- it’s just that if my night gets too intense I go drink two or three to go to sleep. It’s not okay to drink on Xanax or drink and take an extra Xanax and wash it down with a cider. Like should I be in AA or NA? lol

maybe just try SA it’s the same thing, I think. But you probably just can’t have sex…

I don’t know dude it’s tough… i’m still not there. I’m down to alcohol and coffee.

when I don’t have access to those two things… really its about forgetting they exist at all and leaning to live in that world and cope with stress without them. it worked for cigs…

coffee is a personal time killer that is pretty harmless. drinking is one of the most socially applicable things you can do. like people say you can join clubs and what not. and sure conversations will spark up between compatible people… but bring some alcohol that both people find acceptable and leave them alone… 95% of the time they’re gonna get start talking.

I wound up splitting a six pack just because I wanted to have some beverages for my friends who came over earlier.

Man maybe its time to start thinking when this is all over(your schooling), I’m going to do f@ck all for a year.

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Yes lets all not do f@ck all for a year, once mouse graduates. :smile: I’m down

is it to do f@ck all
or not to do f@ck all

that is the question

perhaps doing f@ck all is not the way to do f@ck all at all

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Nice :sunny: :smile:

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