Everyday i seem to be changing more and more. In July i was that pretty makeup done dressed up at school early ready to learn in love with my goals and education even stayed after for hours doing work i didnt even have to do just i wanted to be a head. I even took the work home or to a friends house cause i wanted to keep going. I felt well rested. Looked healthy. I felt alive
But not
I’m
Going
Crazy
I’m always exhausted
I looked drained out
I find my self less and less social
Spending most of my time in my room alone
My alarm goes off for school and i lay there trying to come up with logical reasons not to go
I cant think straight
The friends and enemies i have in side me do not shut up
I never feel peaceful any more
When relaxing i feel like im running
I’m more and more paranoid everyday
I spend more time lost in my space then in reality
My mood swings go up down multiple times through out the day
I’ve been snapping at people for no reason
I feel confused alot
At times i feel like im not all nikki
Like the others are controling some of me and not nikki
All i seem to do is complain about everything
I question life each day
And
Then
People at school start to talk ■■■■ and say i look like im on drugs
Yes i believe what people say and think is none of my business
But there some a point where it be comes overwhelming
The rage inside grows the more i hear it and confirm
Then we have a school meeting and i bring up culture
I get attacked by some girl i dont even know
This leads me to get agitated
Meeting moves on
Then a staff brings up how we should think before we speak
I get filled with emotions and leave and go outside
… day goes on
On lunch the girl that attacked me comes out and attacks me some more
Claiming she went to find me to say sorry.
This leads me to an emotional breakdown
Not cause she scares me but cause i scare my self
Over and Over they yell “Hit her” “bash her face in” “dont let her disrespect you like that” “find something hard and hit her over the head with it” and the bad voices just keep going
My way of dealing with this at that moment
I completely shut down
Snapped at my friend
Walked inside
Walked back and forth
Sat on the ground
Then zoned out in to space
I could hear people talking to me asking me questions
I could not answer
Someone said well have to call 911
An alert when off in my brain and my head shook no
Walked into the office
Started over crying
Still not able to speak
Aware to everything around me
Aware to what was being said
And still just crys no words
Its almost like my body/mind shut down to protect me from hurting that girl
A year ago i wouldnt be typing this today i would be waiting for court cause i got arrested
So maybe its good this happened my doctor thinks so
But I really need to learn a different way to deal with negitive problems besides shutting down and blacking out to my own world
I really do not at all in no way want to be like this.
But for ever this will always be apart of me.
Medication will increase or change
Hospitals will always be my vacation
Social settings will always be a fear of mine
Trust will always be a must but not thust
Ill always see the world different from others
Or hear things others cant
Ill always have multiple realities
Mostly living in the ones i am only apart of
Horrible memories and visions from the past of abuse will always find away
Away into my mind like a video thats never ending
Or a feeling that never heals
Before i use to tell my self this will all end one day
It will go away for it will be cured
Today i can admit that this is who i am
This will always be apart of me
This is my life
IT SUCKS!!!
Theres so much that goes on in my head at the same time all the time that its driving me crazy and i feel complelty drained out and lost, tire of it all
Peace what is that have i truly ever felt it
Will i ever feel it
While i ever understand it
I hope so