yeap, I spend too much time alone. too much time with the illness. and still every night I worry that ill never make it…Every night my energy drops to a point where I am without defense, crazy, alone too.
But made me those bad moments will fade away if I am on that path? Ive decided to fight for my mental health but I spend too much time in isolation, its hard for me to remain zen about all this… I got crazy in a way by the most banal way - just by loneliness and isolation, yeah…
In the same time, it was a bit normal to gave up when you are suicidal since kid and even your parents doesn’t see some problem.
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I also wonder if there were other ways than meds to be better. But I deteriorated with the years. Ive also has seen a psychotherapist for 3 months and I was never feeling relieved by this. Ok, it was before my diagnosis, I wasn’t open on the real things of my life but he should have seen something… My friends think all that meds are crap…
other than meds, a healthy diet and exercise are supposed to be good. I do neither lol. Ba careful what you consume. By that i mean don’t read or watch horror movies or negative news and things like that. Don’t believe that meds are crap because they really help.
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Thank you very much griz 
Yeap, I have to get over all these symptoms a bit. I spend years just bugging and being bad and mean… I was closed for everything. My cognitive skills went really bad too. I functioned like this for years. but I start to get old, I am a bit worried, that’s all.
Nope. Work on recovery today and every day. Don’t wait for the miracle drug or you’ll die waiting.
Be your own miracle.
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but pixel, dont you think that I work? But yes, I still do it at my house mainly but I really try also… Theres no point to pace the streets for me being as crazy as I am sometimes… When firstly I had my diagnosis I were more surrounded by people but this didn’t help. they just ran away from me cause I was at bad shape…
The energy you put into complaining about not recovering is energy not put into recovering. If you only have so many resources, what should you be spending them on?
Simple math problem.
Have you thought about trying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It might help you get rid of some of this “stinkin’ thinkin’.”
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But i cant control some states in which meds put me still, guys you know… you are hard pixel, always fighting… i need human feelings too, heh… but i still often prefer to be alone. Some of my states can be used by others too, they can hurt me. Or maybe i am wrong on this. But i still fight of course 
. Maybe not enough idk…
I see my therapist and psychiatrist this week and everything you’ve said is what I was planning on telling them. Except I’m active. I can’t stop my impassivity. My mind goes from dead to an electric shock in seconds. The only things I can tell you that work for me is painting (even though they suck), getting a dog, writing, cleaning and posting here. However, being patient has never helped me.
You may try alternative therapy although I don’t have specific endorsement.
My worry still is those moments of heaviness where i shoud lay on my bed. Its every evening this. I am totally passive then. I feel one heavy energy on those moments, my brain is heavy too and idk if meds will help this. I am more active now in the day than before a year, but i still experience this every evening… my soul hurts then too. And it anguishes me about my future. Which guy will be with me when i have it daily this? And even, my main goal are not the guys now tbh. I just need to be happy finally but maybe its asking too much once you have sz…
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