Hi, hi all. Lonely day for me, lonely evening. In fact i think so much negatively in the evenings that i suffer a lot. Its painful really… i wonder if the meds can help me to ruminate less with the time. Help me all, please. Can the meds help? I think so badly that i feel some kind of mystic impossibility of exit from the illness. I watch the people on the tv and even for this, i am asking myself how i am gonna to communicate with others one day without paranoia… i am afraid i do to few, but this thinking just depresses me. Does the meds really help this kind of negative thinking? Even my head hurts for some 4 hours in the evening cause i am like that 
… maybe i need time, isnt it? Patience? Hugs
I know yesterday i was too angry and bitter, sorry for that, but sometimes i even cant control it anymore…
Meds can only help you so much. You have to do the heavy lifting to improve yourself and the way you think. There are a lot of self help workbooks online you could try if you can’t get to see a therapist. But sitting and waiting for the perfect med combo to solve all your problems is never going to fix everything. You have to do a lot if hard work to improve your life.
And what if i fighted till now? What if i am tired to fight when i have no one to my side except my mom and one friend? My friends are better after a stay in the hospital. Me, i have 8 stays in hospitals and my living situation is just the same. What do i do with the confused and intrusive thoughts where i repeat in my head without peace that ill never do it? I am not a soldier, i cant fight anymore!!! I had my fight… does the recovery is always referring to myself or my strenghts? Why its like this???
I am just worried about those moments where i doubt strongly, delusionaly maybe about my recovery. I worry so much, that i cant get up from the couch… i wanted just to know if these moments can diminish…
They can get better, but only with a lot of perseverance and a lot of hard work. It’s not easy for any of us. We work hard. I’ve been in the hospital more times than I can count just in the last 5 years. But a lot of therapy,a lot if hard work, a lot of appointments and med adjustments, and a pile of self help books and a stubbornness that can’t be rivaled to get better and here I am.
It’s not easy, but it’s possible.
Ok thank you for the messages. I just met doctors who said that ill always suffer because of the negatives. I am angry cause its unfair… i wanted help, but even this doc was spreading despair to my mother who started to believe it… i dont change meds anymore, it was pointless and i was even regressing when i was doing it. But now, every evening, i think with 1000 in a mile in my head and its just not normal… probably i have some strange ideas, but i am also numb in a way.
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