i spent 4 hours with my little nephew and my mom. i tried to stay focused, socialising… but its tiring… i took the habit to be alone… i went so down that i have some kind of blanks in my psyche after the efforts… its the despair then,only this… and i am impatient also to feel love, to feel pleasure. i dont know if it will come. and probably if it comes with my efforts it will take a lot of time which sucks:/ its not nothing to have been closed for everything for the last 13 years… i dont know if aps give pleasure,probably not… i still have my fears,i am afraid of the manifestation of the caracter of the others. my nephwe screamed to me at some moments cause i am like a child. and he is still a child,not really comprehensive which is not his job i suppose my ex pdoc was saying that was i do is some kind of ‘‘autogenic training’’ - the efforts to conivnce myself to get better(positive thinking,avoiding the source of sufferings etc)… will i get better with this kind of efforts and meds? i dont want to see a therapist right now, i still think that i can better without it,that s all…
If you don’t want to get better, you won’t.
I honestly believe you would benefit a lot from therapy.
of course that i want to go better. i suppose i didnt want it for the past 13 years where i slowly went to a degradation and social isolation but now its different… but its tough. my voice is shaky. i have still hate cause i see stupid people and i got used not to criticise them. now i have hate because of it,because of them…but i was a hater before already… now i just try to avoid that… and i still remain a negative schizophrenic with a paranoia(the only positive thing that i have) and i am not sure that i need my meds… my ex saw my kilos in plus and he was saying to me that ill change hormonally in a bad way :/… but i was mean with him at the time, i wasnt somebody nice to be around, he couldnt help me,love me was difficult also. a lots of problems here. i remain still very often derealizated… i am afraid of the consequence of my bad past. its not like i have been treated early, i put 10 years untreated… so thats all basically,i am just chatting here. i am proud of my day-i didnt go out but i was more talkative already besides my suffering.
I was untreated for a long time too. I had rage bouts and was in an abusive relationship. I hated everybody in silence, sometimes still do. Intense paranoia for lots of years, saw demons, and once I tried to end it all because I couldn’t take it anymore. But I didn’t succeed doing it and ended up wanting to live so much you have no idea. Two years after that I went into the deep end of psychosis and thought everyone wanted me dead. That some people were able to manipulate me into killing myself again, even though I haven’t seen them in a long time, I believed they wanted me to kill myself by manipulating time and space, even though I wanted to live and had absolutely no desire to kill myself. I thought that was never going to pass, it was like that for a year or more, I don’t remember very well. It was an intense feeling that I thought that I eventually wouldn’t be able to free myself from it. Eventually it passed, I’m still scared about it, that it’s going to come back. But I decided that I can’t live my life feeling sorry for myself all day everyday. I just can’t… that makes “them” win the fight.
I know you don’t have the same experiences as I have, but think about it. It’s not that bad, could be a lot worse and the worst part is what we do to ourselves in the meanwhile. Sounds like you should take a good look around yourself and see if it’s worth it, living like this everyday, feeling sorry for yourself, tampering with the meds and still hope they work, complaining about your life. There are people that have the same illness as you and are kept in cages or chained to each other wandering in the streets. In past times, we szs would be castrated or killed. You don’t have it that bad Anna, you’re lucky in a lot of ways. All I’m asking is for you to think about it and not make any more excuses for the way you treat yourself…
Good job on spending time with your mom and nephew! I’m glad you felt more talkative. Good work! You should be very proud of yourself.
Baby steps, honestly. If you try to look at some distant end goal, you’ll become discouraged and give up. I’ve heard this is a problem with sz in general - it makes it difficult to make long term plans and work towards them, because they seem like they’re in an impossible world. So think about making today a little better than yesterday, and tomorrow a little better than today.
Good luck. I’m proud of you, and I’m confident you can do it.
thanks to both of you. i know it now minnie, fear and regrets are not our friends but they re here sometimes… ill try to avoid them,ok…now its time to overcontrol myself but it has its negative effect cause i am still disappoited by myself. i make baby steps,the best that i can…you ve been through a lot also,not nice so. i hope our well being will last. sorry,i am depressive now, take care both of you,i am going to play my sims