there is the sadness, the tripping alone in your head because of the schizophrenia, my fears of everything almost… the lack of energy and maybe the worse, the lack of good mood made me spend all these years between 4 walls. did you know somebody like me? who spent 15 years at its house? I went out today to the market but its still nothing. I became also too dumb to catch up some information…
I just watched the movie ‘‘Joy’’ at my house… the mom of joy was depressed for years… and joy didn’t want to be like her… I got depressed. maybe I am a coward and that’s all? I am really low functioning… maybe the meds will work for me one day but I am getting old. my mom only keeps saying that ill never work or that ill never have family. why is she like this for god sake??? is she disappointed by me? I wanna fly one day, mood and everything. have dreams instead of the feeling to feel my brain in my head… maybe I try to find justifications of my state cause I am telling to myself that this illness is more than a fear… that’s what I do right now… keep going, me to, ill try to do it but yes, I am on the other side already and I should reeducate myself to function in some other way, wow…
I’m afraid too to be honest. I don’t know about 15 years but I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time alone as a recluse. As for depression and the sadness, I’m just glad (don’t know if glads the word) that I’m not feeling the excruciating emotional pain of my 20’s anymore. You’re mother shouldn’t be as negative, I agree, though what’s worse I wonder? family being falsely optimistic/supportive when they really are not…I don’t know.
I avoid public places most of the tiome and when I absolutely have to go out it takes me a while to recover from the experience.
wrongboy, I have rage against my mom talking me like this but she says that she is just realistic. she isn’t bad. I am just jealous of my friends parents who are supportive. but my mom gives me her love too. she takes care of me for my invoices plus the food and almost everything… in fact, its more rare when its me, helping her…and she says to me sometimes that she loves me so its normal, its me who want too much… like you, me too at this age I avoid the sadness and the depression. I should look less to the past but I am afraid that ill spent another 15 years like this wow… for me too its quite an adventure to go out or I just walk forward. I breathe once at home after my goings out 
. otherwise, the lack of motivation is bad here, I have some kind of pain in my chest, some kind of heaviness. maybe its already some kinds of blockages… how old are you now? me I am 34 years old wow 
. gosh, my meds are helping me only at 30%, something like this. I would really like more, its so ■■■■■■■ lonely here. if my mom passes out, I wont have anyone to whom talking in the day, I dont know if ill survive then… egoist thing but I am worried yeap 
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Yeah I wonder as well, whether I’ll spend my 30’s as a recluse after going through hell in my 20’s. I’m 33. 15 years from now? I just try and get through the day best I can. I really don’t have anyone to talk to either, I mean there’s a clubhouse down the road which is the reason I moved here in the first place, but something just wasn’t right from the beginning. I was just sitting out on the lawn at the smoking area making conversation before I stopped going. I talk to my parents now and then even though I’ll be pulling their knives from my back for the rest of my life. Known them all my life and have no idea who they are, they aren’t who they were when I was very young, when they were my age, that’s for sure, they aren’t who they were in their 40’s or 50’s and they aren’t even who they seem to be most of the time. I have this sneaking suspicion that my mother has delusions/talks to someone in the bathroom (no phone) and I’ve felt I’ve been conspired against all my life out of fear of my being a liability to them (I’m not the only one of those I’ve met)
But yeah, I mean I still stop by to sit on the porch, read the newspaper and have some form of what passes for intelligent conversation. They’ve (my parents) made multiple attempts to have me committed one of which a doctor saved me from out of concern for my wellbeing which speaks to their intentions I believe. I don’t know…I guess, I mean ,I’ve been close to others and known that you really can’t know what another’s experience in this life is and yet I’ve known these people all my life yet feel I have no idea who they are.
yeah, me too I wasn’t close with my parents as child. I was too attached to my mom, pathologically I think… I had shame because of them when I was younger. its not anymore the case, I know its wrong. I had enough of my period of my sick consciousness, I cant love anymore so its not nice for my mom and my sister(dad, passed away from some mental illness some years ago). otherwise, I think everybody should have his part of mystery isn’t it? its the basic to be loved, the life is just a show in some way… some kind of theatre arena as Shakespeare said. everybody has his demons isn’t it? its just that some can smile more at the life, they are less tormented. but yes, we had hard lifes I guess. and probably some form of genetics also,dnk… do you have your moments when you feel ok? you seem to be fallen ill at your 20s is that right? for me, its different. I was very very unhappy child… at my school I even wanted to talk to a psychologist but there wasn’t one(without my parents to know about it yeah)… si i dont know what I have but its starts to pisses me off really!!! I suffer even physically every evening. in the day, its a way better though.
I have been a recluse my entire life - stopped going to school at 12 and was just isolated even more.
I have been thinking about you and your mom…
Maybe she is not trying to be negative but doesn’t want you to get your hopes up and then get depressed if it doesn’t happen. If you can see her in a more positive light maybe it will help.
hey hi mjgh06. I think you are really right. she loves me, she is saying it to me often since I am ill. its me, i wanna be loved like a child and its not healthy for me to always be supported by her. yes, the truth is that maybe it wont happen, yeah, i know… with all my past, its in a way normal not to see the light for your daughter… i am looking for some kind of approbation from her but i didn’t deserve it now so i understand yes.
I think your mom could be disappointed with herself, and she is projecting that disappointment onto you. As for staying inside those four walls - yes, I have done that a lot. I’ve done it so much that the solitary life is the life I prefer. Sometimes it seems pointless to me to try to socialize. I’m not spreading any happiness. So why go out among others and spread more unhappiness? If you find a cure let me know.