Idk what is my progress… Maybe better in my thinking compared to ten years ago… Why I went jealous, angry, depressed, passive???.. In the past, everybody here seemed better than me… My mom says, that those who are bedridden in their hospital beds in foetal position, they don’t write here… she is probably right… But I was like this too … I remained inactive for 15 years… Now I am starving socially, but with a bunch of symptoms who still make me hide… I didn’t live even as kid… None of my ill friends is sick since child, they cant understand… I was unhappy as hell even since child… Idk why I was like this . I need now only to see, that life is good I guess. Maybe I lack only this now… But all my ill friends go out and me, I cant. I don’t want just to walk outside and cry there… I have one agy friend from the hospital and she claims, that I am not ill… Yes, I am not the typical schizophrenic… I never had voices, neither hallucinations… Just this pathology of my character, bunch of physical symptoms, depression… And probably cognitive issues, from which I was paranoid in the past… I lived myself as stupid for years…
Did I miss you here? I didn’t write since weeks … Who still thinks I can do it? I still blame myself sometimes to be like this, only in dramas, always in pain… My ill friend asked me in the past how I can handle this isolation… This only makes me suicidal tbh. I think of this now… No support from them…
My guess is that the only thing keeping you from going out is the fear of being looked down upon. Don’t worry about crying in public so much! It doesn’t last forever, eventually you get over it and you get comfortable. Better yet, find some in-person friends to cry with, it’s therapeutic. You can trust them, they should be supportive.
There’s a false image of your “best self” that you seem to be comparing your current self with, which is making you absolutely miserable. Kill that “best self!” Be you.
I go out now, but not with friends anymore… I am ■■■■■■■■■ depressed… The problem is that I went deeper so even the friends doesn’t make me feel good… Probably its me who is wrong… Everybody keeps saying I am wrong… But this wont change the fact, that I had no life since 30 years…
No one is going to quiz you on what you’ve been doing for the past 30 years. Most people can’t even remember the past one year! Just pick up a semi-interesting hobby and talk about that if people ask you what you’ve been up to. If they keep pressing, say you’re on disability for depression.
If your mood is down, you may want to see the pdoc for mood stabilizers or an antidepressant, just a trial, to see if your mood changes dramatically.
I like the natural approach for mood enhancement, I just take B vitamins, since low levels are tied to depression.
I am just scared I went so deep in this ■■■■… Nothing helps anymore. Maybe the time will heal me… But they turned me into a freak with their meds… they tried on me 11 aps… They weren’t nice, no… I probably never had the love of anybody…
I am on a mood stabilizer since years already… The ads make me agitated and more paranoid…
I miss the love in my heart… I miss the others. Do you imagine me having spent 15 years in isolation? why no one was next to me then???
yeah, you the ‘‘positive’’ schizophrenics can never imagine… its always like this… sorry, I am ultra angry now… I cant grab my life, cause I went dumb… all this passivity made me dumb…
You’re worrying about being “dumb” to others. You have two ways to handle that, one is to shutter yourself in, worrying that you’ll never live up to this perfect impression of yourself you’ve built up in your head, and another is to forget about that impression and love yourself now, then go live.
Its a bit of mental terror, that I make here probably, no? But yes, lately I make those kind of small ‘‘crisises’’ in front of my mom, that no one didn’t love me for the past 20 years… One of my ill friends had around 100 men for this time :/… and me, I just had one alcoholic who almost killed me with putting his alcohol in my mouth, before my diagnosis…
" Comparison Is the Thief of Joy " This quotation, from Theodore Roosevelt, argues that comparing your work, your life, or whatever else will only serve to make you unhappy.
Quit comparing yourself to others! Be you. Be happy!
Ok, ill try naturally. Thank you for writing… I became terrible probably But why me deserved to have spend those last 15 years so much isolated from the others? Maybe I have my fault in this, no???
I just picked my skin of my face… That’s what I do… I ruined it… and no one cares… I am here just destroying myself… its only me who can make me happy, is that right? I am too dumb to realize it… I just listen to my mother…
Please forgive yourself. I know it seems “safe” to hurt / blame yourself, but it’s not. You need to just dig down into the bad emotions and let them out safely. Crying is good, self-harm is not.
… I remained inactive for 15 years… Now I am starving socially, but with a bunch of symptoms who still make me hide… I didn’t live even as kid… None of my ill friends is sick since child, they cant understand… I was unhappy as hell even since child… Idk why I was like this 
. I need now only to see, that life is good I guess. Maybe I lack only this now… But all my ill friends go out and me, I cant. I don’t want just to walk outside and cry there… I have one agy friend from the hospital and she claims, that I am not ill… Yes, I am not the typical schizophrenic… I never had voices, neither hallucinations… Just this pathology of my character, bunch of physical symptoms, depression… And probably cognitive issues, from which I was paranoid in the past… I lived myself as stupid for years…
Who still thinks I can do it? I still blame myself sometimes to be like this, only in dramas, always in pain… My ill friend asked me in the past how I can handle this isolation… This only makes me suicidal tbh. I think of this now… No support from them…