I forgot to mention she always wants to know what me and my dad and stepmom are saying and doing
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Yeah, that all sounds pretty toxic and itās likely that thereās nothing that you can do to change the situation.
If you want to maintain some level of contact with her, one option might be to block her on your main phone and get a cheap, pay as you go burner phone that you only use for her. Then you can leave the burner phone at home/off when you donāt want to talk to her.
It also be worth considering what you get out of the interactions. Are the conversations just her getting you to run around in circles dealing with what sheās throwing at you? Does she show any interest or concern in what youāre doing and whatās going on with you?
For what itās worth, I havenāt talked to my mom in several years. Itās a different situation, but it was taxing and draining for me to deal with her, she had little empathy for me or interest in me, she only talked about herself and what she wanted to talk about, she said things that were hurtful to me, she wouldnāt respond or take responsibility when I told her that she had hurt my feelings by saying those things, etc. It was exhausting dealing with her, and I got nothing positive out of it, I just felt bad and drained. When I get myself together I might reestablish contact, I donāt know, but I have no regrets on taking a break from the relationship, Iām just not in a place where I can deal with that.
Not all parents are reasonable, kind people who have empathy for their kids. Not all parents offer love and support. Just because someone reproduced doesnāt mean that theyāre automatically able to have a loving relationship with their children. Itās healthy to get toxic people who drain you and donāt care how their behavior affects you out of your life, even if theyāre your parents.
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She shows interest and concern in what Iām doing and whatās going on with me but she texts me constantly and always expects me to text her back immediately. I told her all I do is watch TV and that I go to Assertive Community Treatment and to see my doctor and she still keeps asking me what Iām doing when she already knows. I admit it is draining having to try to deal with her constantly. Itās endless and it didnāt get any better after I tried to set boundaries with her. That just made her blow up my phone for two days.
I donāt know if they were right to put you through forced hospitalizations. My dad always tried to keep me out of the hospital.
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That all sounds like a her problem, maybe anxiety or OCD or BPD - who knows. The only way to deal with people flipping out when we set boundaries is to not respond. They donāt have to agree to the boundaries, or even necessarily know about them - boundaries are something that we do.
For example, a boundary might be, āI donāt text with her at work. If she texts me at work, I donāt respond.ā Or, āI donāt talk about Dad and Stepmom with my mom. If she asks about them, I ignore it. If she keeps asking, I stop texting with her for the rest of the day.ā
Itās actually a lot like training animals. When I adopted my cat he was really aggressive about demanding food when I was in the kitchen. I dealt with it by not giving him food when he was loud and headbutting me, even when it was time to feed him. Giving him food when he was loud just reinforced the idea that loud = food. So for the first couple of months, Iād wait until he was quiet to start putting food in his dish. As soon as he started getting loud again, I stopped what I was doing and just stood there and waited for him to quiet down. The moment he was quiet Iād continue. Then heād yowl. Then Iād freeze.
It took forever at first, but eventually it got to the point where he would sit by his bowl quietly when he wanted to be fed. And I always made sure that he was completely quiet for at least 15-20 seconds before putting his food down. (Although I worked up to that amount of time, Iād reward a couple of seconds of silence at first.) I taught him that silence = food.
Iām more lax about it now so heās gone back to some of his old behaviors but itās fine, itās nothing like what it was like when I first got him and he was headbutting my calves and yowling at me constantly every single time I went into the kitchen. When he starts to get loud again I go back to the old routine of not making any movement to feed him when heās making noise or headbutting me. He gets the point quickly and will go sit by his bowl and shut up.
Anyway, the point is, when she acts up and you give her what she wants, she just learns that obsessive texting = attention. So the way forward might be to wait until thereās a 10 minute break (or whatever) in her texts before responding. And then to just text something unrelated to her previous texts. Gradually increase the amount of time you wait for silence before you respond. When she blasts 17 texts in three minutes and you respond to the 18th text, she just learns that it takes 18 texts to get a response. Positively reinforcing silence from her by only texting her when she hasnāt texted you a certain amount of time might be a way forward, so she learns that blasting you with a ton of texts = silence, and waiting for you to text her is the only time that you text.
But I know, itās easier said than done, especially when itās someone who you care about and want to have a relationship with. And sometimes when the emotional involvement with the other person is too much itās just hard to not respond because it hurts when they push your buttons. She knows how to push your buttons because sheās the one who installed them.
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So my mom has been bugging my dad and said Iām angry and mean. Iām not angry and mean. This makes me want to never unblock her because she keeps jumping to conclusions and telling lies about me and my dad and stepmom. Weāre really nice, good, decent people. Last night I couldnāt sleep for about half an hour because I wondered if I made the right decision blocking my mom yesterday but now I think I made the right decision since sheās still telling lies. She might need CBT and/or DBT but I donāt know if she can afford therapy. I thought I could unblock her next year after I had some time to get some things done like learning about health and fitness and recovery but now I donāt think so. I donāt know whatās wrong with her but I hope she gets help. I read a little bit about borderline personality disorder yesterday and I think she might have that maybe but I donāt know for sure since Iām not a doctor.
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You just keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.
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Yeah thatās what Iām gonna do. I like to learn so Iām going to read and watch YouTube videos about health and fitness and recovery because I used to smoke too much weed and drink too much. I really want to get healthy. Thatās my number one goal now.
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That sounds great!!
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I block my mother sometimes, cos she can be a bit of an āambulance chaserā - and when im unwell - i dont wish to hear how she had to take an āextra paracetomolā like she was dying cos shes got back ache. Yes mum - im suffering far more than you - but i dont shove it down your throat at every opportunity.
The way she carrys on you would think she is terminal.
I always let the brother im ok tho.
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I think my mother should block me because I bug her all day every day
Cutting off you mom is hard thing to do. Maybe tell her youāre blocking her for 2 weeks and expect her to cut down dramatically on the texts after that or youāll consider a permanent ban.
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I thought of doing that but I donāt think she can go without texting me constantly. I already tried to set boundaries with her and that didnāt work so I had to block her.
Have you decided if the block will be permanent? Maybe after a couple weeks sheāll learn her lesson. If she keeps it up after that then a permanent block would make sense. Itās up to you, but if it were me I wouldnāt go to such an extreme (permanent ban) right away with my mom.
So almost exactly like most forum suspensions work! 
But Iām not dissing your suggestion, that could be an alternative.
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Most likely over the next few days, sheāll go to more and more extremes to get your attention and make you feel bad for blocking her.
Donāt fall for her trap. Donāt teach her throwing a tantrum or playing the victim gets attention.
Keep her blocked for a week or two so she had time to learn to cope without you.
Then maybe call her and say you want to unblock her, but there needs to be boundaries if she wants to have contact.
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I might do that sometime next year
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Good idea. At least gift yourself peaceful holidays.
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