Selling my soul to the devil

I used to be a meth addict. In my last few months of using I used to much and became pretty far out there. As I’m sitting here in my bed tonight I’m recalling events that have happened, memories or my delusions, and my symptoms now. Sort of putting everything together.

I have noticed that I usually don’t hear my inner voice. (The voice you hear in your head when you read silently to yourself) I started freaking out… Trying to get my voice in my head working. Every once in a while I feel like I can hear it and I feel like I am thinking correctly, but then it goes away pretty quick. It goes away with this rush I get.

When I was using and hanging out with this dude that was not a good guy… He would try to talk to me in my mind. I didn’t know if it was a meth head thing or what. But I remember hearing myself warn myself “this is not a good guy”… One time I remember thinking like him or something… And I remember getting a visual of his brain. It was really scary. It looked grey and like a picture of a brain, but in the back bottom lobe there was something latched on to it.

And the first thought I had was demon. And it made sense to me, he was a big meth head dealer… He had a scary way about him… He scared me. Right after I saw this demon thing in his head I hear “oh ■■■■ you didn’t see that” like it was a secret.

Now when I used meth I got way into the whole ‘souls’ subject. I believed his soul was taken over by the devil and his soul didn’t want me to see it, so I heard his soul say you didn’t see that. And it was my soul earlier warning me that is isn’t a good man.

Now one time he had given me too much meth. I don’t even know how much it was because I was already high and I was dumb enough to not even worry about it. I ended up at home when it really hit me. I was alone. I was watching TV and all this stuff came up about a meth head test (I have posted this story before you can go look for it) but after the meth head test I remember the TV ■■■■■■■ with me some more. Tricking me into selling my soul to the Illuminati.

Long story short I went through with it. I remember the TV being like you have to promise you won’t tell anyone about this… And telling me my family had done the deal already themselves and that’s why they can talk to each other so good telepathically or whatever. I don’t know… But I did it… And I feel like everything changed after that.

Months and months later maybe a year I’m sitting here recalling all of this because I feel like a demon entered my body some how that day and has been controlling the way I think. I’m always empty inside… I sometimes feel myself take over again, but just for a second. But then I go back to feeling nothing like myself. And as I’m sitting here trying to understand why I don’t hear my inner voice, I look it up on Google and it says something about souls. So I put two and two together and get… My souls not even in my body. My soul has been sold or taken.

Even if it was a long time ago and it was an accident and I wasn’t thinking anywhere close to near right… I believe this too. Because it makes sense to me. Sometimes I hear god or angels kind of being kind enough to let me know why I’m feeling empty… Why I know something’s wrong with me but can’t put my finger on it… Then I play back to all the memories and put them together to form… My soul has been taken. I am now a shell of a person.

It sounds better when I’m discovering these assumptions in my head. I’m not good at explaining what I actually went through and saw and heard.

I’m very interested in my soul though. I feel like I can talk to it and hear it sometimes… Lol I don’t know.

I’m a mess and I’m embaressed about this post. But I’ve been pretty good with not thinking this way. Tonight I just realized I can’t hear my inner voice and started researching and thinking. I don’t know. Don’t judge please.

the soul stuff is a lot of superstitious thinking in my opinion.
and that way of thinking allows the delusion of you thinking or feeling a demon inside you.
and due to our mental illness we make all that stuff come to life pretty easy.

I would know , it happened to me.

the more you entertain that stuff the bigger it gets.

I feel like there’s a demon in my head. ■■■■■■■ with it. And I usually don’t think like this. Its just sometimes I feel its so blantly obvious

I like the way you worded it before you edited it btw

Just remember that its all in your head…easier said than done…I know…

I just closed my eyes and it was silent for like 30 seconds then I heard a loud and clear “gottcha!” Then “I’m feeling moody.”

I need meds
That scared the ■■■■ out of me

1 Like

Lol no worries mine get chatty when I try and think too hard too…meds might be the ticket…

I’m scared to close my eyes. :frowning: I wish a friend were here

1 Like

Friends are good to have…especially for comfort…

I had been a meth addict throughout high school and a few years after. Recovery is a tough road and the hallucinations and delusions that are brought on or made worse by the lack of sleep combined with the drugs can shock a person to their very core and leave them disheveled left with visions of horrors, they stick with you and dont leave when the highs do. I have recently started using again to escape from the depression and horrors of my mind and get some repreave from the seeming never ending psychosis, started small but now im heading down the road of addiction once again i fear. But i do not give up the battle for recovery. I will beat this eventually. But i am flawed and will try not to beat myself up over past lives lived and lost and hold steadfast in my yearning for a better tomorrow. Your intent i believe is what matters most in regaining and relearning who you really are after excessive drug use. Stay strong, stay positive. Be mindful.

Searching for happiness,
Had it all then i lost it
Dont want to fall so i try to stand tall
But im exhausted …
…Had a soul but i sold it,
Thats just how my minds molded
Had control but couldnt hold it
Living like im blindfolded.

That was an excerpt of the beginning and end of Blindfolded, a poem of mine written 14 years ago when i was a serious meth addict in high school at 17 yrs old. We must have the courage to regain our path and not falter in the face of adversity.

Take solace in words from Buddha;
Dwelling in the cave (of the heart), the mind, without form, wanders far and alone. Those who subdue this mind are liberated from the bonds of (demons)

Ill leave you with this; You are not alone and there is yet more to be done then undone in your life. Just trying to provide some inspirational words from someone who has been there and still is. You seem to be in a bad place tonight. Hoping i helped a little.:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

It seems to me that you have a tendency to torture yourself. The meth caused you to obsess on an idea that is frightening to you. I can understand how strong a tendency it is to obsess on an idea that terrorizes you when you’re that high. There is also a strong tendency among people your age to obsess on unpleasant thoughts. Just keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be permanent. You can get over it. Work with your pdoc to find med’s that help you.

Get insurance, get meds. You seem intelligent and articulate , surely it should be easy to fill in the insurance forms etc.