The point of this forum is not to attack and judge others who are looking to genuinely share their experiences. Please show respect.
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I actually really identify withwhat youāve written and I find it fascinating that a lot of responders are projecting this want for it all not to be true on to you.
I admit I would change with the death of my closest loved ones but I have very little honest concern for others. I donāt relate at all to group discussion about how tragic it is an old work colleague has cancer. I just canāt cry for that situation but I can acknowledge itās unfortunate.
I donāt think this attitude is a front and I wasnāt traumatised in my childhood. Iām just aloof.
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Normally Iād skip such a long opening post. But the way you phrase had me āin the graspā.
Ever thought of being a writer for a living? Or perhaps you already are?
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@labratmat If thatās how you want to think of it, I canāt stop you. But youāre getting upset at your own perceptions of my actions, not by my actions themselves. And itās not like I donāt belong here, I do experience psychotic symptoms such as paranoia, hallucinations, and so on. This is separate from that. So if the others are easily exploited and weak, so am I.
@kindness A bit personal, but yes, I am a masochist. I seek pain as a release from stress and tension. But thatās more sexuality than personality.
@Ninjastar Thank you.
@anon84763962 What youāre describing is a lack of empathy, which is a part of my personality, but not all of it. And low empathy can be caused by many different things, including schizophrenia. Best of luck to you.
@Patrick I am a writer, actually, I have three books published, two fiction, one non-fiction. But I donāt make a living off of it. Thatās what my clothing design and fabrication is for.
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Right, I think itās nature and nurture in a way. Iāve done some bad things in my past (short of killing or maiming others), mainly to ex-boyfriends. Iāve had to learn to turn it down and put on a more sturdy mask. It took me a while to realize what I was doing wasnāt normal or socially acceptable.
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@ZombiePupper I figured it out fairly early, that I needed to act ānormalā to avoid getting in trouble.
Thanks for sharing 
@Bee3 Youāre welcome.
Weāre all good and weāre all evil. Itās that delicate, ever-changing, fluctuating chemical imbalance that makes us all human beings.
Regret is a place I occasionally visitā¦but definitely not where I live. Always keep tomorrow on the radar. Itās never too late to reinvent oneself, and become a better person.
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@Patrick I think, all things considered, that Iām a pretty good person regardless. Why should I care about the intent behind it? I have no problems with the person I am, and neither do my friends, even the ones who know about my āsecretā.
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I forget. Are you transgender?
Yes, but thatās not the secret Iām talking about here. All my friends know Iām trans, Iāve been living as a woman full time for years.
Okayā¦
Just wondering if all of your youthful angst was simply just you trying to discover your true sexuality.
My motto isā¦after 30 years old, you donāt give a rat what anybody thinks, so why not just start when youāre 18?
I believe great achievers in life carry this mindset into their craft.
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Again, nature and nurture, perhaps the emotional turmoil of being a transgender child had something to do with the way i developed? Itās a theory, to be sure.
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Your secret is that forced smile or laugh, correct? And you said that you do this to avoid prejudice. Can you elaborate on this (sorry, Iām trying to understand)?
@kindness Sure, I can elaborate. By prejudice, I mean being exposed to societyās opinions of people like me. If my family knew who I really was, they might disown me simply because Iām too different. They claim to love me unconditionally, but that love is definitely put to the test by the realization that your child isnāt who you thought they were.
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I have had a lot of similar experiences. I havenāt brought them up with my therapist or anyone though, pretty much for the reason you just mentioned above.
@Anna I recommend it. Even if you donāt feel like itās a problem, getting an outside and professional opinion can be helpful.
Definitely mention it to your therapist. For me, it was an important step to peering into who I am as a person and how my past ties into it.
I know that narcissism and personality disorders arenāt usually considered very treatable, but most narcissists have no awareness of their illness. So you are ahead of the game there.
I was diagnosed avoidant personality disorder years ago but I would not qualify for the diagnosis any longer, though I still have avoidant traits. PDs can change.
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