I feel like I can’t be myself and I’m not sure why. I strongly suspect it has to do with my childhood where I had to put on an act to survive being raised by erratic parents.
But I’m 54 now.
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I can’t even tell if I’m being myself or not…
I think I’m more “me” now than when I was younger though, I’ll say that at least.
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For me, I feel uncomfortable being myself because of my abusive childhood. I still have periods where I feel I have to put on an act or my husband will leave me - and we’ve been together over 21 years.
My father drilled it into my head that I wasn’t good enough and couldn’t measure up to anyone else - basically, stuffed me full of shame after HE was the one who was the sexual predator.
Now I still struggle with feeling unloved and unworthy when I am myself. I just had this conversation with my pnurse this morning, so I am replying to your thread about it.
I am in no way looking for people to tell me how lovable I am - I am just saying that I was not “allowed” or “accepted” when I was my real self, so now, even though I’m 53 years old, I still get very paranoid and nervous when I let my guard down.
My recovery group is helping so much with changing those old feelings, but as we discussed this morning, I am in a really painful spot PTSD wise. I am talking in my journal about “secrets” where I was threatened if I told about them, and every time I start to feel good, I burst into spontaneous tears. Sometimes extreme fear about telling the secrets, other times sheer relief at having gotten another secret out of hiding. But experiencing all that old cr ap is a really freaking traumatic thing in itself.
I’m working on it.
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I just sort of stay with people who know me. I avoid putting on any act because i feel like its harder to enjoy the situation
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I always act, it’s because of anxiety. And I feel empty. It’s really annoying and draining. Everyone else seem to live their lives. They seem normal. And the more normal people seem, the more anxious I get.
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i dont think i have the ability to act…online i can psych myself up to be more positive and stuff and keep what bothering me to myself…but its still me so i dont think that counts
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I’m absolutely myself at all times now and it was hard earned. I hid myself from myself even for too long. Now, I’m myself with a vengeance.
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i try to act confident and tough but i dont feel that way…
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Definitely a fake act. no trying to be a ‘transparent self’. when I had friends there was expectation I couldn’t meet and criticism I resented. paranoia won. that circle is over by 1.5 decade. still leftover ruminations but living with it, not fighting. I will conform to social rules. here, I will avoid showing my true ugly colors.
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I am more myself online than in person. It easier to express myself through text, than verbally…
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I’m very much myself online and in life. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea so to speak but I’m confident in myself and I’m a kind hearted person.
I’m 54 this year but life is always about chances to improve. You can still work on yourself. I don’t think I ever stop working on being better. It becomes a good habit for sure.
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@everhopeful
Maybe you had similar parent situation to mine. they fought a lot and I had to fake loyalty to both. at one point they separately asked who I would stay with if they get divorced and my answers were only to placate.
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I feel like I’m always my authentic self, but my self esteem is poor and I think nobody likes me. Even with my friends, I think they’re just pretending to like me even tho I know that’s not true.
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I try my best with the act i put on when socialising and interacring with other people. The only time ive been able to be myself around people is when ive taken adhd stimulant meds. It like allows me to keep track of conversations and be normal and many other good things. Im hoping a pdoc im seeing in a few weeks will prescribe me them. The antipsychotics completely get rid of the risk of psychosis for me which im lucky with. Just gotta deal with this hectic adhd i believe. Really want this doctor to be willing to risk adhd meds despite the sza.
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I’ve had positive experiences on adhd meds. Can’t describe it but I felt more normal.
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I’m a mixed bag. I try my best a lot. Sometimes I cant hack it and struggle. i feel more regular sometimes, other times I’m kinda gritting my teeth a little. It depends on how well I feel or am doing.
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I’m turning 54 in March. I do act in front of people. I am not sane and I get by faking it. I feel I’ve lost myself. I act like myself around family only.
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I’m not aware of masking. I am as I am. The online me is more confident and willing to interact with others compared to the 3D me. In real life I’m rather clumsy, and more than a little socially awkward. I have practically zero social interaction with others, apart from that with my chosen family. I’m quite politically minded, but a strong fear of making a fool of myself and being ridiculed keeps me from attending local party meetings. That’s part of the bullying related trauma, as has been rebuffing more than a few suggestions to do a college course. I struggle with low self confidence/esteem/worth etc. I can get quite stressed when people want to,in my opinion,know more than the basics about me. It’s that fear that the more people get to know me, the more they’re likely to reject me. I’ll go into avoidant mode then , and cease communicating with that person.
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Same here. I avoid basically everything.
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No I’ve always been myself.
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