Thanks it’s appreciated
Awww thank you for understanding, Treebeard. 20 something is early for symptoms, too. Yes, I missed my high school years because of sz.
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Sorry about your friend.
Thanks. I was shocked, but it is what it is. I’ve learned a lot about the people in my life from getting sz. It’s been tough, but I feel that it has been an insightful experience.
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Good thread…
The big loss for me right now is my health which has been slipping away more quickly since I reached 65 in 2010. COPD is taking its toll on every bodily function including the cognitive ones.
I was recently put on overnight oxygen and have also lost the peaceful sleep I used to get.
This is so true, and even though you can’t always handle new things, life keeps giving us chances to tinker with the way we do things and improve them every day.
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Loss of a love in college sparked this poem. A bit melancholic, but speaks of the finite time we have with others- the mistakes made and the rumination in atoning.
Backspace
Backspace my all to familiar friend
Hoping a do over perhaps will mend
Words once spoken not a second thought
Actions I dwell for time I have not
Backspace an all too familiar way
Upper right tap to do away
Hoping a second chance will sway
The difficulties away
Backspace where art thou be
If not for err there’d exist not such a key
Unbeknownst to me
I’d concentrate on re
Other keys tempt their fate
But alone backspace stays lying in wait
Cliches are abound finding their way
Into backspace of color clay
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I grieve over things I have lost not just from schizophrenia but from stupidity. Sometimes I can only cringe when I look at how stupid some of the things I have done have been. On the other hand, maybe it was better that I lost everything when I was young, because if I hadn’t I would have had more to lose. I bet the family I missed out on could have been really terrorized by their alcoholic, schizophrenic dad.
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That must be a hard pill to swallow… I hope you are able to find some good and happy moments even though your health is deteriorating. I feel for you.
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I missed all the lost years made medicine at home it heals all depresiju shizophrenia hepatitis boil it an hour, the medicine is very good ,only remedy the law Smoking is not
I spend most of my time grieving away over my lost life which isn’t really lost yet. All I am left with is words, which don’t begin to describe my experiences. I spend a lot of time weeping.
I have lost everything I worked so hard for and people I loved very much to Schizoaffective disorder. It was so overwhelming while it was happening and I was spending all of my energy just trying to survive that I couldn’t grieve my losses. Now I feel flat and numb and I cannot cry for some reason. This disease is such a waste of life. If I was physically disabled, people would have sympathy for me and they would want to help me. People don’t want anything to do with a mentally ill person. I guess I am so used to being alone now that I don’t really try to make friends anymore and I don’t mind being alone. I have been rejected and disappointed so much that I have given up on people just as they have given up on me.
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I was kicked out of the house by my father the day of my moms funeral, had’nt accepted my illness yet.
■■■■■■ up at my other familys house. Ended up on the streets that year. Befriended a hobo and became a drug i.v. user. Was thrown to the streets like a young pup.
I was almost killed for my stupid mistakes and almost paid the ultimate price if not for modern medical science and surgeons. After years of grit and grinding out a way of life, I am the man that I am today.
Sober 1 year and 3 months
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I’m grieving over this illness too. I had gotten to acceptance of it but am now back in denial and depression because it hit home that this is a life sentence and I’ll probably never return to pre-illness functioning. So far the few people I’ve talked to- my bf, social worker and pdoc- have said look to the future and just accept it, get on with life, keep moving forward. Easier said (by them), than done. Its hard not to wallow. Don’t I get time to grieve and mourn whats lost? You don’t rush a widow grieving for her husband’s death do you?
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I can relate to this. It’s like I no longer identify with myself and my own uniqueness, my emotions, thoughts, opinions. Nothing seems like it’s mine anymore. I wish this could end. I would rather go through never ending psychosis but with myself being present than live a normal life feeling as absent as I do now. I wonder how much is the medication and how much is the illness?
I think I miss the little things. Being able to cry for one. Long walks. Having something funny to say all of the time. I miss my sharp mind. I miss not having to explain my medications and illness to people. I miss doing well at my job. I miss being healthy. I grieve that my children’s mother is gone, they will never feel safe and secure with a mother that falls into psychosis when things get too hard. They will never experience planning a holiday in advance because it will all depend on how my condition is. I won’t be able to help with school activities because my mind is mush.
From a non schizophrenia perspective, I miss my grandfather who was my greatest protector. It’s been 19 years since he passed but there is not a day that goes by when I don’t think about him. Finally there is the grieving of lost loves and relationships that never were.
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I miss the spontaneity and love I had for life. I used to be this vivacious young girl who loved meeting new people, exploring and experiencing new things.
Now I am stuck in the prison of my own mind. I have to watch out for triggers (people and places). I am not able to enjoy the things that I used to. I am always hyper vigilant.
Also I used to be a very creative and animated person, full of funny things to say, now I am dull.
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I lost a great relationship due to depression and schizophrenia…
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good post!! I try not to think of all the things that Ive losses or missed out on but there are some times when you go out in public and wham! it all smacks you in the face. The thing I miss most is not having the fear of psychosis looming over my head at all times. I would like to be able to go places without fear of cracking up. Even if that means sitting on a park bench on a busy street corner watching people and taking in the fall beauty. Forget about the lost career opportunities, wives, kids, all things that come so easy to normal people that get taken for granted and shouldn’t.
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