It has been 5 years. I lost my ex. I lost my sister. I lost my career. Probably won’t be able to be a psychologist again I’m not able to read and listen well. I lost my personality. I lost my appearance. I lost my intelligence. I just am not the same person. The way i think and respond is different from the past. It’s total loss. I don’t feel easy passing time. It’s actually difficult for me to pass a day. I find it so hard to past these days. I can’t find hope.
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I’m sorry your feeling like this.
I’m coming up on 13 years and I’m finally getting a handle on this and getting my life back.
It took a lot of work…
I needed meds and therapy to get back on my feet.
I’m sorry your feeling like you’ll never be a psychologist again… you still have the knowledge, have you thought about writing articles for websites like Psychology today or anything on that level?
Even if your not seeing patients… you can still apply your knowledge.
Good luck and hang in there… it’s not easy, but it’s possible.
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I can understand your feeling and thoughts. I had a good career before and was regarded as a smart person. But now I am like you who lost many valuable things due to this illness. Maybe I am better than you because I have a husband and a son. To be honest if I was a single I would have been depressed, too. But I hope you become more positive and upbeat, because there will be new and better meds coming out from the scientific laboratory and your life is unique and valuable to yourself and to us, your friends.
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@goggles~it takes alot of work to be optimistic and hopeful. Good luck to you.
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I feel the same way. I used to be some kind of team leader for 5 people. I was creative, smart, liked and outgoing. I am my opposite self now. Not all bad though. I listen more than I used to. But to decide what to do is hard. I feel like I’ve lost myself.
Try not to fall into the black pit of depression. Take care of it before you fall. Maybe then you can see other sides of you that are not all bad.
Recovery takes time. I became ill in 2009. Didn’t get help until 2011. My brain crashed completely and I feel like I have a brain damage.
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I was at a loss stage before. I was not the same person, still haven’t quite made it back 100%. I found a new life to live, as the military won’t tolerate even a medicated severely mentally ill person.
My academic abilities were damaged upon my onset, I mean badly. I was even placed in remedial algebra my first semester of college. Well, medication and therapy did a whole lot. I went on to make perfect grades and now I still do and I am also in two honors programs doing a thesis in psychology, which involves some complicated statistics and a whole lot of pressure and criticism.
I went from cutting class and drinking constantly to highest honors my school hands out. No joke. Also got the other parts of my life together eventually. Now I just have rough mornings and nights and chronic nightmares. I’m on about ten pills a day. I’m also athletic. I chose a less sedating and weight neutral drug, Geodon. I workout religiously.
I don’t think anyone except the guy who evaluated and diagnosed me saw this coming. I didn’t even see it coming. He told me I could become a shrink if I overcame my illness. Well, I’ve applied to six Ph.D. programs and two more are coming up with later application deadlines. The thing is, I actually am not delusional about it, I really am a competitive applicant.
See, you can go from “I’m broken, I’m in pieces” to “look at what I have built with the pieces of me that I picked up!”
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dark sith gives all his 
hope to goggles…
you can do this 
take care 
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Nicely chronicled goggles!
Well, I never really believed all that “the world is your oyster” kind of message I got growing up.
I suppose I believe I got sick so that I could learn things that I would not or could not learn in any other way.
I definitely got sick!
Jayster.
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I had early onset schizophrenia at 15. I lost a lot too. I missed a year of high school. I felt I had lost everything too. But I have had this illness for 10 years, and from what I lost–I also gained. Life is full of sacrifices and choices. I feel that things happen for a reason, even bad things. There must be a lot of beauty in your life too, that can overshadow the loss and emptiness.
I love your last line mortinermouse, because I think the same way. I feel shattered but more like shattered to the point I am unbreakable. The world is more insane than us, man lots of us are fragile sweet people. I see a lot of compassion and love from others with schizophrenia. I notice a pattern of hope.
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hope is out there, goggles. remember to take one issue at a time as they arise. getting overwhelmed is common for us, take it one problem, one solution at a time.
I think most, if not all, sz’s experience the kind of hopelessness you write about. I know I did. I used to lay in bed 15 - 20 hours a day and daydream of easy ways to commit suicide. Keep in mind that things can change. We keep the capacity to renew ourselves longer than we think. You can find happiness again. Problems can work themselves out.
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I just say 'I’m a cat. I land on my feet. Currently I’m working as a secretary… I’ve used most of my nine lives and it’s starting to worry me a bit." : ) Not currently employed, last employer screwed me with crazy for 2nd time, filed discrimination complaint and must restart my business again. This happens in alternative unlicensed therapy like energy stuff/reiki btw.
I got screwed so many different ways, I don’t even care to remember it all – just what to avoid. Cannot even work near where I live as this place actually does a ‘black ball’ publicly and announces you need to work at the grocery store. I busted back couple of years back so not possible… Some went before me so I know this story. Needed to leave everything here behind, move and start again without talking about it…Need to interview your references to make sure they are positives…
I keep getting my a-- kicked because I’m female alone and this area is predators who trash the women, even using some for disability welfare check later after ruining female workers…Found SO many places that are screwed up bad, even little towns, city was really nicest place if you put it out in suburbs but ran out of $$$. Had to accept returning to city that screwed me, no job potential at all, lots of people who made threats against me, very screwed up work situations in place that is going broke, predatorial male coworkers who will ruin female coworkers and cops who ran me away from my 10 year home… I have to hide and work from home, moved a short distance away into country where I probably won’t get trashed and just forget it all.
Otherwise if boyfriend was not in jail, would EASILY have new home in a different place, new job, enough money regularly coming in and know some good people BUT, DUE TO circumstances beyond control of most of us, we just deal with our screwed up environments and how far away you can get from it. Right?
I got so big I’m going to deflate if I ever manage to lose weight…