I’m just now coming to grips that this relationship I had with this far-out kind of guy is over. He is a conspiracy theorist (illuminati & its satanism) and “rigourous Christian.” He is not the right guy for me as he kept showing me videos debunking the DSM and saying that he doesn’t believe any science behind schizophrenia. He was totally against me taking my medication…he would yell at me about it and read off the terrible side effects. We were smoking weed a lot and I began to have hallucinations (voices) and paranoia as I had stopped taking my medication. This story gets much much worse. He is homeless because he always calls people out on things because he thinks he knows everything. I am not homeless, but after awhile of letting him sleep in my car, he started making me stay with him. There was a lot of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and some physical abuse. This story gets much worse. Within the 3 months that we were living out of my car, he lets me know his ex is pregnant and near due. I actually let him visit her in my car. He isn’t allowed to see her so they rode around in my car with me and his friend in the back seat. I didn’t say anything. I was crushed. He basically forced me to go along with everything he wanted to do. There’s a lot more to the story, but I just want to get to today…
One my car’s battery was shot and dead, our living thing was over in December. I stay with my mother, He would come over, but my mom forbid him from coming over our apt because of all that happened, all my crying, all of his disrespect and calling me out of my name right in front of my mom. But I kept allowing him back. I would sneak food to him. I even brought my blankets out and slept with him in our laundry room. I was in love with him, addicted to our sex and addicted to the weed. We finally ended him coming over when he lied and told me he needed to tell me something important, but he was really asking me for bus fare so he could perform his rap shows that evening. I was bitter, resentful, and hurt that he has the baby now, yet the mother refuses to have a dna test performed to see if it’s his, but i think it’s his anyway. Yes the story gets worse. So we haven’t talked in about a week now. He ignores my texts.
This random girl dms me on twitter asking if I “still mess with (him)” I asked her was she asking for herself. she says yes. and I just told her the truth…no and I’m done with him.
But after all of this I’m just super stressed. I have resumed my meds and I actually had to increase Latuda on my own because the voices and thought broadcasting were so bad in conjunction with this drama. I’m now taking the max dose 160mg of Latuda. I haven’t smoked in about 3 weeks and I don’t plan to anymore. I just want my health back. I can be insanely depressed over this drama. I can’t believe another girl came into the picture and actually found me on twitter to ask me that. I just want to know how crazy people think this situation is. I’m also really discouraged that I’ll have someone love me for me and my schizophrenia. I guess I just had to vent. I lost my medicaid benefits recently so I can’t see my pdoc this weekend as set and I can’t get lexapro that I was going to start for this depression. I’m constantly pessimistic and I kinda cry everyday about being this alone. I have 0 friends. I’ve gotten two great jobs in the past 3 months but I quit them both due to stress and hearing all the voices persecute me while working. I’m not really hearing voices now…they’re faint if anything so I’m still looking for other jobs. I just went on an interview last thursday, but I don’t think I got it. As I left the building I had so much anxiety I started hearing voices and they persecuted my about something so bad I am ashamed to disclose it. I think that’s why I didn’t get the job.
Will I ever have someone that loves me? This guy led me to think I’m crazy and evil and mean and ugly.
I can’t believe I still have feelings for him. What should I do? Can anyone offer a word of encouragement? I would really appreciate anything.
I’m so proud of you for getting out of that relationship! I can’t imagine how difficult that had to be for you.
What a terrible, selfish person he sounds like. I’m so sorry you were hurt so badly, but try to take a moment to appreciate the strength and self-respect it took to walk away.
Get healthy, get your footing again, stay away from the drugs, and things will look up for you. You seem smart and self aware and genuine. I am sure you will find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated.
(In the mean time, try taking yourself out on dates. Dress up nice for yourself. Take yourself somewhere you’d like to go. Let yourself know how lucky you are to have you around. Treat yourself well.)
He might also have schizophrenia, and that would cause you to be drawn to each other. I’m kind of in a similar situation but not all the time. My boyfriend only gets that way sometimes or if he’s run out of medication or before his injection. I have done a lot of good for him but his mother projects a lot of stuff against me. I feel this is because she thinks she has failed and deflects onto me. It’s painful how she treats me. She started messaging my mom, who just started taking medicine for a mental illness she was unable to treat for the past ten years. She had no insight due to the schizophrenia. It runs in my family and is related to nerve and tissue degeneration. My boyfriend also developed a seizure disorder about a year after I knew him. He was taking clozeral and it began to attack his immune system. No one realized this but I feel like I helped him by telling him to talk to his doctor and let them know what was happening. He almost died, lost his appendix, and could have even gotten NMS. The past year his seizures have worsened. His mom wants him to start working and work on the house but his stress levels have been high due to the activity and interactions at home. His mom yelling, his sister, his drinking. I never drink with my boyfriend but these other people his mom was ok with him drinking when he worked on cars or at parties his coworker threw. She constantly accused me of spending money at the casino when we used to go sometimes, but we stopped going more than once a month and spend less money. She has been accusing me of doing drugs with him for a long time, but invited a recovering heroin addict for thanksigiving and not me, his girlfriend and he cheated on me. Now we’re trying to work on things. Even if she did accept me I no longer want her approval because she doesn’t respect me and I’m tired of being blamed when he lies or is dishonest. Most of the time if he lied to his mom he lied to me as well, like saying he took his meds when he didn’t and I find out a day later. Then she rants at my mom when I let him stay over because she wouldn’t let him borrow her van to go to work in the morning. I convinced him to go in and talk to his manager and got him his job back after he didn’t show up. since she refused to I offered to drive him to work he had no other transportation. Instead of thanking me she accuses me of gambling and being a bad influence when all I did was drive him to work for two hours. We used to get along really well until she started harassing me and my family. I know that things have happened, but she’s looking to scapegoat me and I’m tired of it I’m a person and a good person, I don’t deserve abuse from his mom.
It’s getting to the point where I might have to choose to leave him and let him manage on his own. When I met him five years ago he was completely psychotic, and ranted non-stop about being able to control people with satellites and hack into the matrix. He used to depersonalize a lot more. Now he’s a lot more in control and happier. I helped him by being there. I didn’t try to fix him or change him and I know that schizophrenia is permanent but she’s evil and vindictive towards me and I don’t know why. He’s been getting sick again. She couldn’t just allow him to be happy and she acts like it’s my fault. She also seems to not realize that I have had similar experiences and know what it felt like. I am not psychotic. But she sends these rants like seven paragraphs that’s too much to deal with. It’s cellphone harassment. He thinks I should confront his mom about it but she hasn’t been there when I drop him off or go there.
I really appreciate your reply. He was my first closest boyfriend as far as being around someone everyday. I hold your suggestion of not having anything more to do with him very highly. I imagine if I allow him back, when things are good for me and my car is fixed that the same treatment would happen and I’d lose everything again. I just can’t do that to myself!
It’s just hard because I feel like I’ve invested so much of my love, kindness, and genorosity into the relationship. It’s hard to just push it all away and out of my heart, kindness.
I do need time to learn to love myself though. That will be a positive direction to go in. Thank you again. <3
Thank you…it’s a hard process…letting go. It was extremely difficult for me, but I wanted him so badly that I was willing to do almost anything for him. I now recognize how selfish he is and how no matter what I did, he would continue to treat me poorly.
Thank you for bringing positive words to me because sometimes it’s really hard to remember what’s good about me coming out of this situation.
I’m currently excited about getting to dress myself up soon as I’m relieving my stress with online shopping! I’m going to work on this loving myself process. Hope not to get sidetracked.
You know, I think your observation may be correct. I know he told me his mother has schizophrenia. He’s rapped about himself having schizophrenia in song, but when I asked him about it…(that was a major thing that attracted me to him…it’s one of the reasons I first reached out to him) he said he only said it for shock value. He lies a lot and he’s a quick thinker,fast talker. Another occasion we were arguing and he said he had schizophrenia too and that he needs pills, but I really didn’t know to believe him or not because he seriously shows traits of a pathological liar. There have been times when he’s responded out loud to things I was thinking and this just freaked me out because he would never admit to saying anything when I asked him more about it later. He’d just go quiet. He wouldn’t even talk when I asked him about telepathy.
I’m so sorry to hear about what you have gone through. It sounds like you are taking on so much and having to hold yourself down. You deserve much better. You deserve peace, honesty, loyalty and someone to actually care for you. I think it’s really important to shake the abuse from our lives or we will just always have it.
yes, I Thank you[quote=“turtle, post:8, topic:72282, full:true”]
You deserve happiness and you won’t find it with an abusive partner. You can do much better.
