I cant keep any friends

DX'd - Other
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So…I have one friend in the world whom I trust and I am so grateful for her , January 2020 I left a toxic relationship that had been on and off more off tbh for 6 years … things where going well for me , I made new friends got things together with myself , stopped drinking , however almost as quick as my new friends and positives came I managed to find myself pulling away .smaller groups of friends formed and I became a loner , now people who seemingly hated each other are now best of friends and im on the outside again , I know that schizophrenia can really affect how we form healthy relationships but I feel like im a terrible person and thats why things never work out . My friend sinead tells me everyday this isn’t true and its my self esteem issues making me hate and loath everything about myself .
I had a good friend in this group, three actually but one in particular became an obsessive thought for me and I hounded the heck out of him , he ghosted me alot and I struggled with this and asked if he could be honest about why and he said I was much too much , which I understood, I was aware I was getting carried away . Checking if they were online , wanting to know their every move , I tried to not let things overwhelm me but I guess I haven’t got that down.

This all happens before Christmas, now some context to what happened on Christmas day is , My Father whom I loved dearly passed away 7 years ago , this broke me , I had been through psychosis only 6 months before and his death tied into delusions .
My mother tells me quite casually that I may not be his daughter after Christmas Dinner. I say nothing and hug her trying to digest both the meal now stuck in my throat and the information I have just recieved , then I leave … I preceeded then to drink myself into oblivion and slate everyone , the demon came out as it where , feeling ashamed for my actions and heart broken about what my mum told me I went to see my ex toxic relationship and his father as they where friends with the man I call dad , I just wanted reassurance, I dont even know why , also I had messaged the person I had been obsessing over and basically told him to go ■■■■ himself … also not a great move .
Since boxing day I have been in contact with my toxic ex until he threatened to throw a brick through my window and I couldn’t talk to him as the panic of being trapped is washing over me , I feel as though I escaped horrors and was shown something better , just to ■■■■ all over it and come back to terror , my symptoms have come back ten fold , I saw a woman crawl from my TV and I have not been able to communicate with people, if I try to play a game there are messages hidden in the speech and text the new friends I made where on xbox , my ex also recieved a message saying can I ask u some stuff and I believe it to be one of these other friends hoping to damage me in some way *my ex doesn’t know about my other friends per se as I was isolated from all of my other friends and he gets insanely jealous *

There has also been violence throughout the 7 years of us knowing each other . This is also no coincidence, I spoke to my ex after my dad passed in some way to connect with him and grieve , we would share stories and talk about memories of him .

And this morning I wake up to find all of the friends I had made where with their so called enemies and I knew I would be the talk of the town . This anxiety has made me even more symptomatic and due to covid I cant see my doctor . My house is in absolute disarray and I have one friend from the group that may still have a positive view of me , I hope so because she has helped me so much however I’m now in the predicament of feeling like I deserve all of this because of my schizophrenia or am I just a shitty person ?! , I had several delusions that challenged these friends and needing constant reassurance is not a desirable quality… sorry about this rant but I feel truly isolated besides potentially 2 people on which I feel a burden , I keep contemplating the world without me and then I think im not even worth the drama of suicide , ide rather just hide alone and save the world my toxicity …

Hope everyone is doing ok and thanks as always for listening guys , im hoping to feel better

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Hey I hope you’re doing okay… Sounds like you’re going through a lot wow. My honest opinion is that it sounds like the schizophrenia is getting to you. The secret messages through the texts and stuff I can relate to. A lot of this sounds traumatizing. One thing I would ask is that if these things that were said: about the messages, your dad, the brick thing etc were said with actual words explicitly or only implicitly? I think some of these things are delusions. We all have them. My advice is to put all these things in a box focus on getting healthy and figure out the truth of these matters when you’re healthy. Are you on medication?

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Even if you do have sz you don’t deserve to lose your friends or your father. And I highly doubt you are a shitty person. And suicide is the worst idea you can imagine. Please, please don’t go there.

If you’re thinking about suicide, call 911 if you live in the US.

Calling @Ninjastar , @Moonbeam , @rogueone .

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Im not in any danger , I have reason enough to fight through , and yes these its very hard for me to tell right now what is delusional and what isn’t, having people understanding what that is like is warming to my soul right now . Things have been tough and sometimes I forget to be kind to myself , there are such wonderful people , full of love and kindness just waiting for a chance , my path somehow got so messy , I blame no one but myself and the fact I care so much what others think of me it consumes me and I become someone else

Im trying to take amisulpride and im organising a meeting with my doctor

Thank u so much for replying

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Really I was just venting a thought im really not in any danger , my friend who is very close is able to be called at any time , thank u for ur concern though really

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Thankyou for assuring me that you will stay safe.

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Well at least you can make friends. I’ve always had trouble. I don’t think you’ll have trouble keeping real friends. I think now, it’s as hard to find the right friends as the right boyfriend. I’ve found it impossible.

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My advice is try to find something that makes you happy. Last few weeks have been hell for me but I’m feeling alright now jut listening to good music and chatting on the forum. It’s the little things that get you by sometimes. Glad you’re gonna see your doctors. Whatever you voices may say dot be afraid of your doc. I was hesitant to go to the hospital today, but I did and I’m so happy cause I gotta my prescription and will get meds in a few hours of all goes well. Best of luck to!

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I understand the contradiction there also … I cant keep friends but I have an amazing one :worried::grimacing::woman_facepalming:

Just being listened to has helped so much and yes I agree with seeing a doctor and trusting them , while I have the capacity to accept help as u guys know it can be difficult when ur voices tell u 1000 reasons not to trust anyone atall … on ward and upward , im just eating something from the local cafe , they were kind enough to give me a tab . Thank god for coffee and cigarettes :woman_facepalming::poop:

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Me too , im starting to think my one friend is taking the strain too often as my family circle is non existent, maybe we could chat and get to know one another ? Im always here if anyone on the forum needs help or an ear , its the least I could do for this community :smiling_face_with_three_hearts::blue_heart:

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That sounds like the best idea I’ve heard in months ,

Some kate bush , look out of the window and enjoy the spring sun , I really do forget to be kind to myself , I hope ur feeling better now!!? Tbh I think most everyone with schizophrenia is doing an incredible job with self care considering the pandemic and all of the implications of it … a breading ground for paranoid thought , I hope everyone is holding up OK :+1:

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Yea I don’t remember if you said you were on medication or not but id say get medication asap and in the meantime escape . Thank God we live in the modern day of YouTube iPods and Facebook because In the old days they’d just have to sit there and listen to voices all day. What I learned is that you can’t just ignore hallucinations or delusions, you have to avoid them all together so that you don’t hear them. We know they’re not real yet they’re still terrifying. It’s like being on a roller coaster. I know I’m safe but… Fact of the matter is its still terrifying whether the danger is real or nt it has an effect on our mentality

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This is so true , the simple knowledge that others empathise is amazing , im on amisulpride but a very small dose as it keeps me awake and we all know how sleep deprivation helps a situation non atall , im hoping that I can find something that works for me and shall be speaking about it when I visit my doctor

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I hope everything works out! Keep us posted!

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Thank u I will !!! And in the meantime I shall mind my self and try take the rational explanation for things, I find that people are far less sinister than I assume them to be , its easy to become paranoid so … best I avoid it for now , like u say , music , good food and time with my beautiful pets shall heal the soul just enough to press on and maybe I can try again at being more functional , remembering not to give up at any hurdle … such is life and there are so many lovely things in the world :earth_americas:

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If you are feeling suicidal or having a mental health crisis, please tell someone — a friend or family member, a teacher, a doctor or therapist or call 911 (if you’re in the U.S.) or the Emergency Medical Services phone number in your country.

You can also call a crisis intervention hotline—these are available in the U.S. and in many other countries. You do not need to be actively suicidal to benefit from a crisis hotline.

International crisis hotlines:

Crisis hotlines in the U.S.:

More resources:

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Wow thank u so much for that information!! I have taken it easy today and im feeling a little anxious but a great deal better , thank u guys so so much for ur help and advice :sparkling_heart:

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I’m glad it helped.

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Sure. Be glad to do that.

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Hmm.

Hey @Songbird!.

I Read Your Topic Title And Smiled.

Friends. Society. Civilization. Culture. Thinking For Yourself, Questioning Authority.

Don’t Ask Why, Do As We Say. Thus Is Cool. Thus Is Lame. Or Whatever Cool Word That Is Used Right Now To Describe Something Mistaken For Waste. No Delusional Ties Though Please. :slight_smile:

My Story About Friends Is Strange. As A Young Kid, I Had Many Friends. And We All Got Along Together Great. The Family Life Was Almost Out Of A Commercial During T.G.I.F. Celebration. White Picket Fences. Happy Family. Although Saying That Right Now, ‘Happy Family’, Reminds Me Of A Ramones Song. Where It’s Sung, Angrily Sarcastic, ‘We’re A Happy Family, We’re A Happy Family’.

As I Down Another Beer (Olde Past Self Tossed To The Side), Drinking, Watching Sports, And Blowing Out ALL Of The Candles On Another Wonderful, Gorgeous, Courageous Birthday Cake.

What Does All Of Thus Mean?. Well…, I Forgot The Point. Wait!.

Yes, Friends. During That Happy Family Period, I Have Yet To Have Been Diagnosed. But!, I Did Hear Voices. And Told My Mom About It, And She Laughed And Shrugged Her Shoulders And Told Me To Go Back To Bed.

And During Those Young Happy Family Years, I Lost One Of My Best Friends.

And Then As The Years Swiftly Passed By, I Gained Somme More Friends. And Lost Them As Well. And Then!.. . …

Work.

And Now, One Friend. My Partner In Crime On Each Construction Site We Worked On.

And Then I Left My Entire Life That I’ve Ever Known And Disappeared Into Meaningless Darkness. For A Long Time.

And Then!. Diagnosed.

And Then!. Back Home With My Parents.

And Then!. Chaos. Destruction. Confusion. Horror. Terror. Pills. No Pills. And Finally…, Space.

And A Chance To Start All Over.

Once Again.

And After Some Long Time Alone. Rethinking. Analyzing. Restructuring. Rebuilding.

I Became My Own Friend. I Found Grace, Purpose, Hope, Love, Joy, And Peace In Music.

And Some Time Crept On…, And Out Of The Deep Dark Endless Forest Of Wilderness. . .,

Some Shadow Walked Up To Me One Summer Day And Smiled Beautifully.

As I Stopped Myself In My Tracks, And Asked, ‘Yes, Can I Help You’?.

And She Replied Kindly, ‘I Like You, And I Don’t Know Why’.

And There It Was. A New Friend. And Another New Start.

What’s The Point You May Be Asking. Well, It’s Simple Really. Patience Is A Virtue. And Friends Sometimes, Are Not Easy To Find. Especially During The Storms And Confusion.

But!, If You Keep Your Heart And Song Intact. You May Find Yourself Surprised At What Tomorrow May Bring. Be It In A Day. A Week. A Month. Or Even A Year. In The End. . .

It Will Be Worth The Wait. . . . . . .

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