So…I have one friend in the world whom I trust and I am so grateful for her , January 2020 I left a toxic relationship that had been on and off more off tbh for 6 years … things where going well for me , I made new friends got things together with myself , stopped drinking , however almost as quick as my new friends and positives came I managed to find myself pulling away .smaller groups of friends formed and I became a loner , now people who seemingly hated each other are now best of friends and im on the outside again , I know that schizophrenia can really affect how we form healthy relationships but I feel like im a terrible person and thats why things never work out . My friend sinead tells me everyday this isn’t true and its my self esteem issues making me hate and loath everything about myself .
I had a good friend in this group, three actually but one in particular became an obsessive thought for me and I hounded the heck out of him , he ghosted me alot and I struggled with this and asked if he could be honest about why and he said I was much too much , which I understood, I was aware I was getting carried away . Checking if they were online , wanting to know their every move , I tried to not let things overwhelm me but I guess I haven’t got that down.
This all happens before Christmas, now some context to what happened on Christmas day is , My Father whom I loved dearly passed away 7 years ago , this broke me , I had been through psychosis only 6 months before and his death tied into delusions .
My mother tells me quite casually that I may not be his daughter after Christmas Dinner. I say nothing and hug her trying to digest both the meal now stuck in my throat and the information I have just recieved , then I leave … I preceeded then to drink myself into oblivion and slate everyone , the demon came out as it where , feeling ashamed for my actions and heart broken about what my mum told me I went to see my ex toxic relationship and his father as they where friends with the man I call dad , I just wanted reassurance, I dont even know why , also I had messaged the person I had been obsessing over and basically told him to go ■■■■ himself … also not a great move .
Since boxing day I have been in contact with my toxic ex until he threatened to throw a brick through my window and I couldn’t talk to him as the panic of being trapped is washing over me , I feel as though I escaped horrors and was shown something better , just to ■■■■ all over it and come back to terror , my symptoms have come back ten fold , I saw a woman crawl from my TV and I have not been able to communicate with people, if I try to play a game there are messages hidden in the speech and text the new friends I made where on xbox , my ex also recieved a message saying can I ask u some stuff and I believe it to be one of these other friends hoping to damage me in some way *my ex doesn’t know about my other friends per se as I was isolated from all of my other friends and he gets insanely jealous *
There has also been violence throughout the 7 years of us knowing each other . This is also no coincidence, I spoke to my ex after my dad passed in some way to connect with him and grieve , we would share stories and talk about memories of him .
And this morning I wake up to find all of the friends I had made where with their so called enemies and I knew I would be the talk of the town . This anxiety has made me even more symptomatic and due to covid I cant see my doctor . My house is in absolute disarray and I have one friend from the group that may still have a positive view of me , I hope so because she has helped me so much however I’m now in the predicament of feeling like I deserve all of this because of my schizophrenia or am I just a shitty person ?! , I had several delusions that challenged these friends and needing constant reassurance is not a desirable quality… sorry about this rant but I feel truly isolated besides potentially 2 people on which I feel a burden , I keep contemplating the world without me and then I think im not even worth the drama of suicide , ide rather just hide alone and save the world my toxicity …
Hope everyone is doing ok and thanks as always for listening guys , im hoping to feel better