I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and autism in 2011 and struggled but I handled it. In 2013 I met my life coach in a foundation for adults with autism. When I met him I was a drug user and was always high or drunk. I was self harming and a complete mess. We worked non stop for 2 years and I discovered who I was and for once in my life I was truly happy. I had friends and people that really cared. I stopped the drugs and drinking and even quit smoking. It was the greatest time of my life.
That year I met a girl who was like me. She had schizophrenia, bi polar disorder, anxiety, and depression just like me. She was in every way the same person as me not just mental health wise, but in interests and personality. I’ve never clicked with someone like I did with her. Everything about her was perfect to me, she was beautiful and amazing. She did so much for me and gave me love that no one has ever shown me. I remember our first kiss was at the college where we were going we were by the lockers and talking and I hugged her. Then we just stared at each other and I kissed her cheek, then I just said screw it and kissed her. It was like a zap of adrenaline when I kissed her, I’ve never felt it with anyone ever in my life.
She had a son who was 3 at the time. She was raped and abused by an ex boyfriend and he left them and told her the child would never be his. I took the boy in and for the first time I felt I had family. I loved him as much as his mother, to me he was my boy. I would spend days with them at home and I would sit with him in my arms watching tv, or playing with him and his mother outside.
For once everything was perfect and I was never so happy. Eventually tensions of school and debt got to us. I was a coward… I left her and the boy because I was scared, after I did it I quickly realized my mistake. I begged for her back but I hurt her so much she wouldn’t take me back. She eventually cut off all contact with me, I never got to see her boy again. I see her in the hall at school and she doesn’t look at me she just talks to her friends. To her I don’t exist anymore, she found a new man, a better one.
Since that happened I changed. I started to lose sleep and eat way more in the beginning, I just took it as a sign of the break up. Eventually I started to volunteer at senior homes trying to give my caring towards others. It made me feel good but I knew I was only doing it to try and forget her, yet in my mind I couldn’t. Eventually I went back to college, her class was down the hall from mine. Seeing her everyday destroyed me. How she wouldn’t look at me, how I don’t exist anymore after everything.
I met a girl who also had autism and we started dating. It was good in the beginning but deep down I missed her. I kissed the new girl for the first time and I felt nothing. For a year I dated her, for a year I started hating myself more and more to the point where I stopped giving a ■■■■. I never cared for the girl and I dragged it on and on until I felt I needed to end the dreaded relationship. She was a nice girl and she really loved me, yet I couldn’t love her. I hurt her more then anything and she just wanted me to love her, but I couldn’t. For some reason I couldn’t even look her in the face because I just felt nothing. She would cry and I wouldn’t even think about it I’d just walk away. I would get angry and leave the apartment and not come back for hours. She never did anything to make me angry I’d just feel that. Eventually she feared me, she told my mother on the phone that I scared her. She saw my apathy. Then one day she asked me what was wrong and I told her I’m leaving her I took my stuff and I left. She cried and cried, I didn’t feel anything. I was abusive and I hate myself for it cause she is such a sweet girl, I ruined her mental health, I am a scumbag.
I now stopped caring about everything. I stopped taking my pills and I stopped caring about school. I’m failing my classes I already know. I have exams tomorrow and I haven’t studied, I just don’t want to go to school anymore. I’ve been losing more and more friends lately. I don’t talk to anyone anymore I’ve begun to seclude myself. I just feel so angry at everyone in this world. My only friends are the ones in my head. My life coach talked me into taking my meds tonight, but honestly I think I only did it cause he is the only one that truly cares now. Yet I know down the road he will go too and I will then be completely alone.
Since I left her 2 years ago I’ve been so scared of getting attached to someone again that I stopped caring about anyone, even myself. I still think about her everyday and I regret what I did but I leave her alone. I know she is happier and I’d rather her be happy then with a pathetic person like me. My question is why do I keep going on? What is keeping me here?
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