Someone in the family forcefully sexually abused me as a kid. Not longlasting, but it was one of my most impactful abuses, because i loved and trusted him deeply. It basicly ruined me, our family, because it started a spiral of bad things.
A few years ago i opened up about the abuse and messaged him i forgave him, but quit contact. I hurt so much at the time i couldnt pretend anymore on family meetings.
Now, i wonder if restoring contact is good. Mum is dying, it is her family. I know she doesnt want contact, but perhaps if i “allow” contact that creates room for healing or for her to speak to him still before she dies. Also, last thing i heard was this person got divorced, away from his kid and spiralling into suicidal depression. What he did was evil. But not unforgivable.
I want him to be well. Also for his family, his kid. And i wonder if it helps my healing.
Im also afraid there will be more hurt in everyone though.
Any ideas on if and how i should do that? Has anyone ever done such a reconnection?
I just see this person is not a cold psychopath. He was a very damaged young person at the time and from what i understood now can barely live with what he has done.
I always go by this statement made by someone I admire: “Forgiveness is key.”
I applaud and commend your bravery and strength for forgiving that person.
For me, it took years and years of therapy to be able to forgive my abusers. What they did to me as a child was horrendous.
I would advise against approaching this person, but if you desire to do so, I would go slowly. Just let him know that you forgave him. Maybe, if he has a change of heart, he would call you or message you. However, protect your identity and make sure that he does not know where you are. Your safety comes first.
Thanks for your opinion, and sorry you have been through that.
I just dont know. It might indeed open up wounds, cause more hurt. But i like to think things can heal, on all sides.
The kid being around him is something i indeed worried about. I called child protection before anonymously to inquire what i could do. He is one of the reasons i opened up. I wanted people around him (wife) to at least know and keep an eye on the situation.
I talked it over with my mum. A bit, cause she got upset and couldnt deal with it. She does not want to reconnect. He is not welcome at her funeral. She says she isnt angry though, she just doesnt want him there, but will write a letter. I will let it be, cause there clearly isnt room for it for her.
Today many hurtful things came up in my mind. Things others have done. Things i have done, even more so.
Im in emotional pain. Im sad - my response to the traumatic things and the horribly bad choices i made for my life after, hurt my family so badly. My parents are traumatised because of my psychotic behaviour and other actions. I still feel i made my mum terminally ill via causing her stress.
I cant really live with myself. I feel like a psychopath, hurting everyone around me. I think it would be better if i died instead (wont commit suĂŻcide, but i wish we could trade).
To be honest…I feel like what i have done is much much much worse than what my uncle did. :-/
I had some type of pedophile experience with mothers uncle.It was not traumatic at that point,but as I told my mother what he did,she looked at me like it was my guilt.
Years from that,I’ve been bullied in primary,and later it escalated as bad behavior towards both my family and my partners.I searched forgiveness of many of them years later.I felt glad that almost all gave up of my guilt and get normally through their lives.Don’t resend your self.You have MI and you are therefore no in possibility to judge hard on your self.You have problems that would last,and it’s enough for you.
Psychopaths dont care about how they may have hurt others, they dont feel guilt. You are very far from being a psychopath.
Its brave that you forgive him. It took me a long time to finally forgive my abuser, but I still wouldnt reconnect with them.
Let go of your guilt, free yourself from the impossible responsibility you’ve placed upon yourself. I’m trying to do that myself, but it’s hard. So very hard.
Here’s the worst part, we can forgive people who have abused us in insanely traumatic ways, but we cant forgive ourselves for wrongs we have done. That doesn’t seem fair, does it? Be kind to yourself. Try to start the healing process with doing small and large acts of self love.
@anon70049667, sorry you too have been hurt like that. I think it is great that you asked and got forgiveness. That is brave.
@Squanchy, i still think i am some sort of psychopath. I feel bad about being a horrible person. My pain however is egoistical, it is making things worse at the moment for my parents, im not making things better for them. I tried lately to put it away, lock it up somewhere and be strong and happy for them to have as…peaceful…a few last months together. The fact that i cant and feel upset about being a bad person only makes things worse for them. :-/
I dont really know what to do now to repair things. Even though it is rather late for that. Repair in the sense that THEIR feelings are central, not mine. Im not sure if i should offer apologies and talk, keep things superficial as to not cause further harm, pretend im feeling fine.
The fact that you’re worried about being a bad person means you’re not a psychopath, regardless of your reason for worrying.
Psychopaths dont care about being good or bad, and they most certainly dont think in terms of good or bad. They also most certainly dont feel guilt.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to forgive yourself for past mistakes. I believe redemption is possible for most people.
You are a valuable person. You matter. You just have to start believing that.
I’ve made horrible mistakes in the past. I’ve treated people horribly. Not just when I was psychotic either.
I have to believe that I can be redeemed for my past mistakes.
I think you’re looking for closure, but you may not find it and that’s okay. Theres always going to be something left unsaid, no matter how hard you try to say everything.
If you want to make things right with the people you’ve wronged, start by forgiving yourself.
It starts with self love. Do small and large acts of self love. Tell yourself you matter! Even if you dont believe it at first keep telling yourself.
Loving yourself and forgiving yourself are skills, and the downtrodden need some practice. Believe me its possible. I’m somewhat of a hypocrite who needs to practice what they preach. I’m getting there but it takes effort.
I talked with my mum. We needed to organise something practical on the phone and i burst out in tears. I told her i love her and i am sorry for the hurt i caused and i wish i could take the hurt and fear out of them. I told her i am not angry anymore about her past mistakes, i know she did her best and loved me.
She was very loving.
I feel a little better now. Though i still fear i caused her cancer and wish i could take back every bad word i spoke. Im glad we talked.
I hope i didnt make her sad. I will try to build things up now in my life. I asked and she said that would help her the best. .
You didn’t.Don’t worry about that.I thought my mother got cancer from what I’ve done to her,but I was last three years of cancer taking care about her,and she realized that my personality changed.She died due to smoking a lot,got lung cancer.Then I connected that a lot of her family died because of that.
