I wish I’d never been abused **trigger warning**

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The thought has just been playing over and over in my head since I got home from my outing tonight. There was a guy at my friend’s birthday dinner who checked all my boxes for me being interested and I was getting excited like wow this could happen, what would a date be like etc but then it went into the inevitable spiral of anxiety relationships mean intimacy means sex I don’t want that and what if I’m bad at it since every time I had sex I was lying face down just being raped so it’s not like I have great experience with being good in bed or anything.

Wanting to stop thinking about all of that and not being able to. Thinking did I really forgive my abuser? He’s moved on he’s at peace. I thought I forgave him, I understood. But maybe understanding isn’t the same as forgiving. How can I forgive him? What he did to me was unforgivable. I was a child. I was a child and he treated me like a possession. He didn’t treat me like I was human. And I never recovered from that I got stuck in that. I can’t even describe the horror of not being treated like a human being, not being heard, of being caused immense trauma by someone who is uncaring. Saying “you’re hurting me, this is hurting me” but they don’t care and listen. How could someone be that way? How? His pleasure was more important than my suffering. I was nothing I was a possession meant to shut up and obey and nothing more. I am still stuck there. How can I have a relationship when this was my experience? My last boyfriend when he’d let me set boundaries and say I could decide I didn’t understand and couldn’t function with that. I was paralyzed with anxiety. I had always been forced always been told. I didn’t know what to do. And I was disgusted with myself for being that way.

What happened to me during that year changed me forever. Every time I think I’m past it I’m not. My brain is different. There are two different me’s before and after. I am still grieving. I just want a boyfriend. I want to have a happy and normal relationship like other people my age. I don’t want to think about it. I was hurt so badly. Recently it replays in my head again and again like it used to. Every night. Every f****g night. Every day. I want to forget it. I wish I could forget it.

I wish I’d never been abused.

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Even though you have been through quite a heavy amount I still expect that you can have a healthy relationship in the future. Maybe it might need to be with someone asexual so you never need worry about the pressure. Or Maybe he could more typical. I can’t tell the future. I just know many times that such trauma can be overcome. Good luck Anna. I wish the best for you as others here do. It is terrible what has happened to you but you are strong

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Your story breaks my heart, you’ve every right to be sad for that little girl you were. There isn’t an excuse for purposely hurting an innocent like that.
The only advice I can offer is see yourself as a survivor, a brave beautiful adult with her her whole life in front of her. Don’t stay the victim of the past, be proud that you came through it. It’s a big process but every day you can be further away from that helpless confusion and closer to seeing the good and possibilities in a loving future.
My phrase I repeat myself when I find that I’m lost in the bad place is , be the person that I’m proud of and have the life that I want.

I’m glad you vented, I think you needed to. I wish you peace after the storm

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I’m so sorry. I still go through this, even after two years of marriage. It takes a long time to work through the trauma and come to terms with who you are now vs who you could have been. It sucks that it takes so long. But you’re working on it. If you want to try to date this guy, go ahead. If you’re not ready, don’t push yourself. One thing I’ve realized is that trying to force yourself to be okay only makes things worse in the long run. You’ll get to where you want to be eventually.

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didnt read the thread, i get squeamish.

anyhow, hope ur doing alright, talk on here but also to ppl irl if you feel it helps you

i know all too well, sometimes you just need to let stuff out :slightly_smiling_face:

keep getting stronger, keep growing and evolving

be free :bug::butterfly:

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