I contacted doc after long time since my wife was compelling me. I am doing fine mentally and physically nowadays compared to my whole life in the past. I don’t want to jinx anything by saying what I am upto in terms of my career and few other things.
But people do not want to come to any conclusion as they have seen the worst of me. Some of them do not even want to ask my mom or wife like how I am doing, couple of them complained to police - this does not mean police is after me as no one directly questioned me for the complaint.
I asked some questions and explained my history as it was new doc. He was like pleading me not to stop medicines and not change anything as the episodes may reoccur and things may go south anytime for me. But I did not get angry or lose cool just said ok I am not leaving medicines or changing anything.
I don’t know how it is for others with experience of mental illness for long time. But I feel like I lost everything in life due to it mainly my character as I am not able to identify myself with any type of character that could say what kind of person I am. Rather I feel people should not be like me.
A life lost before even it started.
However, I am trying hard now. Better late than never. Even if I fail continuously I will try to be better. And maybe I feel content that I am trying and not giving up though I may fail, people may laugh at me, ignore me or throw stones at me due to the past. If only I am not judged by the past. New people are perfectly fine with me. Rebuilding character and life is really really hard. It’s like fixing broken mirror.