Random Thoughts for Today

Unusual Beliefs
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Random thought of the day:

I’m still obsessed with the TV show ‘Lost’. It’s like I have a deep connection to the characters of the show. I feel like it was my destiny to be Jack Shephard from ‘Lost’ but something bad happened to me that turned me into Desmond Hume. Maybe I tried being an engineer or investment banker and failed and ended up with schizophrenia or maybe schizophrenia was in my genes. But the aliens and my former family (Past Life) wanted me to become a doctor. I guess an orthopedic surgeon…

Might have happened or might not have happened. I relate to 6-12 different charters on Lost. I’m most likely Jack Shephard still but I’m definitely not going to be a doctor. I have schizophrenia and I’m 30 years old. I have depression too and drink a lot of caffeinated beverages to cope with my depression and anxiety.

My father was never a doctor and neither was my step father. My father is a mechanic and my step-father was a successful engineer.

Maybe Jack Shephard was an engineer and not a doctor? I don’t know.

I definitely feel like Desmond Hume a lot and most of the times. I had an MRI and I started getting flashbacks and paranoia. After watching all the seasons on Lost including that of Desmond Hume I started remembering that I was a time traveler that had his mind wiped, been to parallel universes, and even tried getting help from physicists. Perhaps, I wanted to be a physicist myself but was never smart enough.

My consciousness does go through time repeatedly measured in the billions or more – possibly infinity.
I was experimented on constantly and suffered a terrible fate where I died a lot only to come back in time and relive my life, sometimes differently.

My constant was many things. It started out being a girlfriend or a lover. Then it was my mom. Then for the past billion or so lifetimes, it’s been God, and now it’s been Jesus. I’ve been abducted by aliens including grey aliens and it has affected my consciousness and soul. From what I’ve read, they have consciousness trap technology that can imprison and control one’s soul and consciousness for eternity – practically.

Like Desmond Hume, I’m not really religious, I’m a coward, and I tried being a doctor but probably failed. I’ve always been interested in the military but never had what it took or takes. I probably tried joining in a past life a long time ago and it failed. I was told I have alien DNA which they don’t like and I’m possibly a vampire. I don’t think I’m in the Illuminati but maybe I was in a past life. I want nothing to do with them and don’t like talking about them. Furthermore, I do enjoy conspiracy theories and crazy things and ideas. Perhaps it’s all fake and a delusion.

Illuminati people are usually powerful, successful, and extremely rich – everything I am not. I’m the opposite.

I think I was supposed to be a doctor or surgeon and even the aliens wanted this for me and my family. It probably never happened. I think I got the schizophrenia genes that will never go away. People have experienced hard ship and trauma and even constant drug use and never get psychosis or schizophrenia. But I have!

Like Desmond Hume, I’ve never had a real religious experience and was never really religious at all. I have tried. Maybe I never had a real experience with God, but I kind of wish I had. It was probably not real but it was traumatic. I used to be an atheist and stuff but had a profound experience in college. I wouldn’t be surprised if I tried or thought about being a Monk or a religious man in a past life. But no more and no longer.

I’ve never been married or had a real marriage or wife. Some people in my past lives have accused me of wanting to marry a rich girl or something since I came from a poor or middle class background, but I was misunderstood and am a lot like Desmond Hume in that I would feel embarrassed about being poor and marrying into money – something I would never do in a thousand lifetimes. I am a coward.

Thank you.

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According to MWT and stuff, there are infinite amount of parallel worlds or world-lines or earths and versions of you and me. I guess I was supposed to be Jack Shephard or a doctor in one of my first lives. I don’t know what happened to me. Maybe I never made it that far in life.

The aliens definitely said I could have or should have been a doctor instead of other things like a finance guy or scientist. I never had what it took to be a scientist as evidenced in this life by my failure in higher level mathematics and especially physics where I was horrible at.

I never figured out what happened to me in my first life, what my first life was like, and all that crap. Was I a doctor or an engineer or a failed physicist or whatever? Did I have schizophrenia in every life I ever had? So what. So what if I had schizophrenia in high school in my early past lives. I still could have made it or recovered enough to be a doctor – perhaps. Or maybe I never lived that long or made it that far. I still have nightmares of my past lives measured in the thousands or millions or more.

I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be Jack S. and that I wanted to help people and be a doctor.

I’ve been getting visions constantly probably from the illness. Like I constantly think of Lost and then think of different characters. I was getting visions of having a tattoo on my arm similar to Jacks and a lot of the scenes remind me of Jack.

I also think I had a play or part in the TV show being created. Not just that but I think I became obsessed and sick with the show to the point in that I studied it like a religious zealot would and rejected Christ early on in my multiple lives.

I’ve even felt like Jacob and MiB from Lost.

I remember in one of my past lives still that a reddit user said I’m a lot like Hurley, which makes a ton of sense and isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If Lost is about me and my different lives and characters it makes sense or is designed to confuse people including myself. It’s driving me crazy lol.

Hurley and I are both overweight and schizophrenic and the curse is designed to protect me and my family. I wouldn’t be too surprised if I won the lottery in a past life. I don’t really recall a lot of stuff. Obviously, there are differences like the lack of an island per se and having friends or people in my life and that I don’t have curly hair and I’m not Hispanic. But I do have a neck beard right now and I think I mostly resemble the actor Jack from Lost. I’m confident I’ll have a big black beard in a few years and my hair is already greying pretty badly.

I have often felt like Desmond Hume even though I was never special and was told I wasn’t special – frankly.

I’ve even emphasized and was convinced or wanted to be Richard Alpert and I despised and hated John Locke from Lost. I used to be in a wheelchair a few times and other mishaps and confusions. I thought my sister said I was John Locke and she hated me in a past life.

I wrote her a letter about simulation theory and how I wished she would believe me and I was depressed. Nobody did. I was schizophrenic at the time.

Same thing with Hume. Some girl (friend) wrote me a letter or two but it wasn’t 8 years later. It was a few years later.

It’s possible I’ve taken on different roles in my life and even pretended, wanted to be, and copied different parts and mannerisms and personality traits of the characters in the show.

I don’t want to repeat what I’ve been saying for years and weave other ideas and stories together. This isn’t the only TV show I think is about me. There are a ton of others. I don’t think it’s Truman Show Syndrome but I definitely think the powers at be or the so-called aliens/Illuminati make TV shows out of me and possibly others as a way to make money and other things.

I know nobody cares about if I was a doctor or not except me. Frankly, nobody really gives a ■■■■ about me or what I do in life. I was told that I was an investment banker in my first life which is shocking and that in every damn life I’ve ever had I had schizophrenia. So I was a schizophrenic investment banker lol. I don’t have the personality and I hate marketing so it’s hard to fathom. I’m pretty much burnt out. Sadly, past life careers and jobs don’t relate and don’t follow into this reality for government benefits and the like.

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If you think every dreamed up reality is a past life, you are going to have a hard time. Just focus on the life you have now.

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Well it’s not really a dream but recall. I’m pretty disabled so it does provide some entertainment and fantasy to get pass what I lack in this life.

Yes, most people say focus on this life and try and move on, but it’s hard for me and probably impossible right now. I don’t even shower and brush my teeth anymore. I rarely change clothes. I just exist.

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Heavy soda drinkers have 60% more mental illness than others.

Soda gives you a really hard time. It’s the acidity mainly.

So try the energy drinks without CO2, but it’s not really soda any more. Give it a try though, you’ll get the same buzz.

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The guy who came up with MWT (probably the correct interpretation of QM even though we live in a sim…so it could be true outside the sim or each sim is a timeline…I heard) believed he was truly immortal. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t remember his past lives like I do – he cannot remember being immortal and thus does the same ■■■■ like everyone else and is always a physicist/mathematician that comes up with MWT and repeats himself indefinitely. Perhaps, there’s a different life where he did different things but it would be extremely rare. Perhaps, he’s happy and alive somewhere else. I heard I’m not the only one with this ability…there are others…but it might be rare.

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My life is so unbelievable and crazy (even to crazy people) it’s like I’m a god, albeit false and disabled currently for the foreseable future lol.

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You can pick and choose which study that fits your narrative and motives, but I don’t really entertain such studies and thoughts anymore. There’s literally thousands out there and they each say different things. Same with supplements. They just don’t work and are expensive. Some provide temporarily relief but that’s about it. I’ve tried most if not all of them.

I can literally come up with a study that says candy causes anxiety in excess and people would believe it.

I don’t believe in alt. health like snake oils and fringe things. Putting some gold molecules in my pure water won’t do ■■■■ for me.

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I mean, look at this. Just the headline is sufficient.

Foods that lower your brain acidity will raise the likelihood of mental illness.

I mean, it’s just a suggestion of not putting CO2 in the drink. Not saying don’t drink altogether.

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A month to live no, or a day I hope not, tomorrow some coffee, I pray for justice or karma.

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I was just thinking. Maybe these different past lives are not real at all. Maybe it’s the schizophrenia making me hallucinate my reality combined with fantasy.

But I do believe in one thing: that I’m reliving my life over and over again exactly the same way. Sometimes I died before now (most of the time) and sometimes I die later on in different ways, which is why I’m worried or stressed out and even paranoid most of the time from my dreams and day light hallucinations…

Maybe I never was this or that and most definitely not a surgeon of all things. I know I have memories of going to school after I dropped out but it must have been a fluke…

I know I finished my BA at a local school which I will not name. It could have been another reality. But a doctor? Come on. I know I tried to a few times.

It’s hard to tell you the truth sometimes that the government did experiment on me with time travel and that I went crazy. They say adults who go through time tend to go insane compared to the kids they experiment on. So why me unless they wanted me to go crazy? Unless they didn’t know…or it was on purpose.

I tend to think we live in a simulation and perhaps reality ended for us or me on December 22, 2012 or something or maybe in 2011. I just watched a video and it seems to me like I hit time zero or the block that resulted in insanity for me where I became infinite and then came back in time, perhaps, after going to the future?

I know I tried or wanted to be a computer engineer but don’t know if I actually finished the program or dropped out.

I sometimes come through space-time or wormholes like the Terminator lol (even though I’m definitely not lol). I sometimes feel the local physics around me changes proving the novikov self-consistency principle wrong. Most physicists are wrong and even Stephen Hawking. Even some smart, world-renowned physicist at my former school wrote a book saying time travel isn’t real.

I was a time traveler, worker, slave, and boy in the Montauk Project. I’m disabled. Deal with it. Take it or leave it. I hope I can stay here. If not, I’ll go back to youtube for now.

I really don’t know whose sending me back in time. It might be an infinite causal loop. I don’t know if it’s an open loop or a closed loop. This has been going on for a long time. I sometimes feel I lack free will. I cannot before I got my schizophrenia, meaning I think I was experimented on in college. I don’t think pot unless I smoked some PKD reality warping drug did this to me. Maybe the Navy threw me or sent me through a damn wormhole. I have memories of this but it goes back billions of lifetimes ago. I never figured it out, damn. I never figured out who was the guy or what organization was responsible.

Then I got the whole vampire delusion thing which I know isn’t real.

I think my safety is MUCH safer than money. I’m just glad I can talk mostly. I think I died millions or billions of times. Nobody gives a ■■■■ at all. I was tortured. My family died sometimes. It hurt me a lot…

I guess I accidentally or did change history a few times and I suffered the consequences, whether it was my fault or not I don’t know. I didn’t mean to. It just happened accidentally. Alien mind control?

I’m just tired of disappearing and going back in time while you guys live your beautiful lives forward in time. I often think reality is like a TV film. When it’s over, you start it again, over and over again. Nothing changes anymore.

I think I could have been a crappy, shitty super soldier, but it’s infinitely better than being a Montauk boy.

They tell me different things throughout my other lives.

They say the butterfly effect isn’t real, but I don’t know. Probably not, but I have changed history before and I paid the consequences.

I don’t know how they do it. They told me they send minds back in time, not people with time machines. I’m guessing wormholes and consciousness after the person dies? The consciousness goes into the person, I guess…after the wormhole collapses…I don’t know.

My mind is pretty damaged. I have irrational and ‘stupid’ thoughts that are contradictory and delusional – other than this stuff.

I guess it’s just hard to realize I went insane over a billion times and ended up in an incinerator. Felt like the mental hospital was involved or something. Can’t blame the aliens for everything. I guess that’s why I’m talking. It all started at the school I went to in 2010-2011. It all started there. It ended up falling me to the mental hospital. I hate it there due to flashbacks and recall and deja vu. I don’t go there anymore.

It was always strange or fishy sometimes about ‘who’ was doing this to me or who was after me. Luckily, I am safe right now and it has stopped.

Honestly, I would love the Montauk Project to stop and be shut down but it will never. That’s what they told me in a past life. It didn’t end in the 80s like they said. I don’t know. I guess they got locations everywhere.

I might have to leave these forums because it’s a schizophrenic support forum, not a conspiracy forum or anything.

Thank you.

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Conspiracy stuff is what the unusual beliefs section is for, IMO.

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Well I’m convinced I had schizophrenia in high school in my original life (lives), and I was probably better off money wise but way, way worse off in terms of psychosis and suffering. So my life was changed. Instead of getting schizophrenia in 2006, I got it in 2011. Wow, 5 years later. I get it from drugs. Drugs cause my schizophrenia. I smoked pot, salvia, and an unknown substance. It could have been the unknown substance, but I don’t know. It was very powerful like a PKD trip that made me go to a parallel universe. I haven’t touched that stuff since 2011. Never figured it out.

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People who smoke pot at least 5 times have a 2x likelihood of developing psychosis over the next 10 years, according to this. So there’s a delayed effect supposedly.

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Poor genes I guess. I was initially diagnosed with substance induced psychosis and Aspergers. I guess it morphed into schizoaffective depressive type. I had a Marijuana card around 2012 I think. I got a little paranoid. My vision got really bad for some reason. Could have been the pot. I had poor reality testing, dissociative disorder, and unreality. Not sure why. Trauma a second time?

My dp/dr was 10x worse than the schizophrenia. Maybe the delusions got worse after 2014. Maybe supplements caused it? Brain damage?

I struggle with money. Al beliek said he advocated for the powers at be to give us 80k or so for college for being montauk boys and going through this ■■■■.

But the money isn’t that important anymore. I rather just be safe. I have ptsd symptoms.

I tried to get help for 10 years. Only vraylar worked. The clinic I go to is much better and more understanding.

I always felt paranoid about that mental hospital I went to. Its much better now. I feel safer now.

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