Mainly, I don’t think it’s wrong to like multiple people at once. Or to enjoy all those you like, just because one might have their own selfish problem with it.
I don’t find jealousy healthy, and to restrict others for one’s own jealousy is cringe.
I don’t like having restrictions put on me in day to day life. I don’t want to feel bound emotionally, because I’ll intentionally fck it up and run.
To me, poly doesn’t necessarily mean having sex with multiple people. Rather, it means having more than one separate relationship, all with goals of sustainability. Maybe someone to fck, another to flirt with, someone you can do a specific hobby with your primary partner doesn’t enjoy, etc.
Okay, maybe a couple you’d fck.
I think communication is key in these relationships. But more importantly, when jealousy arises, as it will, it’s important to look inward and find out why you have such an unhealthy response. Why shouldn’t your lover experience all the love that comes to them? Why shouldn’t you?
Speaking as somwone who has 90% poly friends, these are the two biggest misconceptions from people who don’t have any experience with poly relationships. Jealousy is a super normal human emotion and WILL arise. Poly relationships fail when people lie to themselves and their partners about not feeling jealous, rather than acknowledging and accepting the emotion and learning healthy ways to communicate the need for reassurance. It leads to resentment bulding up until it explodes.
Poly relationships are MORE restricting than monogamous ones, because you need to be accountable to multiple partners rather than just one. Google the phrase “poly google calendar” to get a brief idea of what I mean. You have to figure out what days you will spend with what people in order to be fair to everyone, while keeping in mind that everyone has time they need to just be alone and relax.
That said, I do believe poly relationships can work with the right people. But the above misconceptions are the major reasons i have seen them fail.
Back in caveman times it was theoretically proposed that a woman would mate with a whole group of males in the clan. They further proposed that females would make sex noises so that they could attract a crowd so they could all mate with her. It is also the reason the penis is shaped like it is to furrow out competitors sperm, and why females are designed evolutionary wise to be able to have multiple orgasms.
In this way fatherhood would be shared by the group, as the paternity wasn’t strictly known.
It was the rise of patriarchal systems that removed this group sex, or woman with multiple partners, as the males sought ownership, control and guaranteed paternity over the woman.
Controversial, I know but that is a theory I read about awhile back.
I’ve food around with women I just met or didn’t know well. Given all my experiences I prefer a monogamous committed relationship with someone I trust and get along with.But since being diagnosed with schizophrenia, that diagnosis scares away most women so I don’t have a lot of opportunities with women I find attractive.
But I get your point, it’s almost impossible to find someone that meets all your needs.
I like the idea of monogamy. I’ve never cheated on someone either. I tend to take them more seriously than my partner, and have never felt fulfilled in one. Maybe someone could convince me again, but for now, I’m not interested in being cooped up in unrealistic expectations.
Honestly, I think I’d prefer this to the current dating scene. Sounds easier. The rituals around dating are just fcking weird, and ineffective.
I’m of the mind that, if you fck me good, we have a chance at something more. If you can’t, gtfo. I think getting sex out of the way first is much easier than getting your hopes up for a long time, building on feelings, only to find you don’t match well in bed.
I think this just comes down to different sexual preferences and such. I personally prefer having a long time with someone, so they can learn what I like and I can learn what they like, and we can work on that with each other. In most cases, I think people can learn things over time.
But there are certain situations where, yeah, it’s good to know up front if you are incompatible. Like, if one person has a kink they really want to explore, and another person finds it very unappealing.
It can work both ways. I f*cked one of my ex-gf’s on the first night and we stuck together for like a year, but I broke up with her because we had nothing in common and I just didn’t have the feelings for her that she said she had for me, even though the sex was good.
I guess ideally the sex and feelings would come together but life doesn’t usually work out ideally.
This is true. I also have a hard time being sexual with someone I don’t have some emotional affection for.
I guess I’m confused a bit, but that’s after my whole dating life has been monogamous. I just want to find something fulfilling. Difficult for schizoids to find that in any kind of relationship though.
I strongly recommend being honest with yourself about what you want. If you want to date around a bit, do that. If you want one person to be in a committed relationship with, look for that.
Don’t lower your standards because you feel like you aren’t good enough to have them met. Instead, work on self-acceptance (which sometimes means changing parts of yourself that you think don’t help you) until you feel good enough to attract the relationship you really want.
I’m trying to figure this out. Rn I have this really good, amazing guy who’s wanting to get serious after I ended things peacefully some weeks back. He’s literally perfect, but this attachment is scaring me. Maybe it’s why I’m expressing more of an interest in poly.
Theres examples of polyamorous communities, oneida for example. The only other time it sustainably occurs, I think, without a community forming is within a social group of extremely sociable people. Someone like me, an introvert, with sz in addition, wouldn’t be engaging enough or interested in the drama of multiple people to maintain an arrangement like that.