I was diagnosed with PTSD, and most of it is related to the very bad, extended period of time that I was psychotic in high school. Terrifying paranoid delusion, hallucinations, barely slept, yada yada. I felt awful and guilty about having gotten PTSD from it for a long time because what happened to me technically wasn’t even real, it was in my head. However I recently discovered there is a poorly researched phenomenon called “Psychosis-Related” PTSD wherein people with psychotic disorders develop PTSD from terrifying symptoms they may experience. One study estimated that around 40% of individuals w psychotic disorders may develop PTSD from their experiences (to as much as 67%!) Symptoms of it often get misunderstood as just another aspect of the psychosis. To me it was a very validating thing to discover, though I wish there was more information on it than there is. Also I haven’t made a poll in a long time so if it comes out funky bare with me.
I went through an episode where I thought people were trying to get me to kill myself. I took off to Texas, but I came back. I was outside of town, and I would almost make up my mind to return, then I would change my mind and drive the other direction. Memories of that still give me the creeps.
yes, I have PTSD from having believed I was trapped with only my spirit inside a computer that was also carrying Satan to fire lake…long story…I was terrified that Satan would steal my spirit since he was trapped in the computer I was in…lasted seven months…I used to tell people it was like doing two tours in Viet Nam…no lie… I was tortured by my mind.
I think I already had trauma before I ever had any type of episodes, and I think the previous trauma just got compounded by episodes. That would be my best guess and understanding of my own experiences.
The first major episode (for lack of a better word) I ever had happened when I was 15. I didn’t understand what was happening and thought I was being attacked by demons or something, and also completely losing my mind. I remember that it was the most horrendous feeling and I was completely overwhelmed. I don’t even remember all of it, so it apparently it got too overwhelming at some point. My mother claims that eventually I was just screaming and not making any sense, and didn’t stop until I was so exhausted I fell asleep.
Then the next day she told me she was taking me to see a doctor, but in reality she dropped me off at an institution. I didn’t understand what was happening or where I was. I think that in and of itself was somewhat traumatizing, because not only was mind having problems, but random strangers were taking away all my things, ordering me to strip down, took my clothes, felt under my bra in search of something unknown (I would later understand they were looking for anything I could use to harm myself). It was like being abducted.
They never gave me any medication while I was there, and most of the other ‘inmates’ seemed very disturbed to me, since I didn’t know why I was there, anyway. My roommate was a gal younger than me who would repeatedly bash her head into the wall and say stranger things. She had a very sweet personality but was clearly very disturbed. We had to sleep with the lights on, and some random guy I didn’t know who sat in a chair in the hall and watched everyone while they slept. Naturally I could not sleep at all with strange men staring at me, so I think I became even more out of mind over the days.
@turnip One of the papers I read on psychosis-related PTSD said the hospitalization process also factors in and can be a causation of it, since it is often very terrifying for a psychotic person who does not understand what is going on or why they were taken there and are being kept there.
I also experienced my first really bad episode around that age, 16ish.
I wonder if in some cases, retaining insight while experiencing psychosis, is actually a matter of flashbacks to previous psychosis, rather than actual psychosis itself. That could explain the insight, maybe.
I am very curious about this as well. When you have a psychotic disorder it is incredibly difficult to discern when you are experiencing psychosis or a flashback. I believe I get flashbacks to what happened to me, and it is not psychosis. I believe this because when it happens it is not as extreme as it was during the episode. During my episode I could literally FEEL myself being touched/abused. During what I get now, which I believe are flashbacks, it is only a ghost or “echo” of that sensation. I told my therapist it was like stepping out of the wave pool and still feeling the sensation of the waves, even though it’s obviously not the same.
Well this theory you’ve presented is honestly the first thing that has made sense to me in quite some time, and I never thought of this possibility myself, so I am very glad you posted about it.
I know because I can remember that I’ve had episodes in the past when I was younger where I definitely lacked insight, but in these recent years, when I am experiencing psychotic-like symptoms, I KNOW that something is wrong and that things are not real, which has been very confusing since a hallmark of psychosis is supposedly lack of insight.
But if psychosis can traumatize enough to cause flashbacks, then it could be flashbacks, not actual psychosis, that I’ve had lately. That would also make sense in regards to how it seems to happen when my anxiety gets very high.
Also, do you notice the attacks come on whenever there is something that may remind you of that episode? Maybe look out for that.
The other thing I noticed that was different was that these experiences (flashbacks) were isolated for me. The next morning I would be disturbed, but would not have continued psychotic symptoms, vs when I was in the episode, it was continuous and never stopped, if that makes sense.
It does make sense. The experiences I have now tend to brief, happen almost exclusively at night (but not always), and usually when I am alone. It’s only when it’s REALLY bad that they happen during the day or around other people while I’m socializing.
I sort of feel like my mind is always pretty different, and that I do have some consistent weird stuff that goes on, but like when people’s faces start changing? That stuff makes no sense, since I know to ignore it, even if it’s scary.
Then of course my narcissistic streak also likes to believe I just John Nashed that ■■■■, but I’m probably not really that special.
Same!! Mostly only at night, when other people aren’t present. They tend to last a few hours or less. I swear they’re flashbacks.
I’ve only seen a person’s face change once. It was so weird. It was that Humans of New York guy. I was at a talk he was giving and as I watched his face it would like float over his head like it wasn’t attached? And then it would shrink suddenly so he had a tiny face on his normal sized head. Mainly I think it was more amusing than scary.
Oh gosh, Beautiful Mind. One of my psych classes is making us watch that again. (Big surprise) Great movie but they changed a LOT from his actual experience to make it more Hollywood.
I also think that sometimes people are just dicks and it can set things off, at least that is sometimes true for me.
When I was 16 I went with a couple friends to this church youth group thing they attended. I only went to be able to hang out with them, but I was very respectful and everything. Just the year prior I had had an episode where I thought I was being possessed by demons. And then the youth group leader was this kind of creepy guy, and while he was praying, at one point he said, “And I hope you (God) will keep out people who don’t belong here,” while staring right at me. That had me convinced that my experience was real and that this guy could see the demons in me. I still remember it to this day over 10 years later because of how bad it shook me up.
That is so true. I’ve had experiences where I was psychotic and the staff made it a traumatic experience. One time I was taken to a crisis response center where they said I couldn’t see the doctor until I changed into a hospital gown. I thought there were cameras in the bathroom so I refused to change. They ended up dragging me down the hall to a secluded room where they ripped my clothes off and threw a gown on me. Three woman stood over me saying nasty things about me because of my behavior. I was humiliated and terrified.
Another time I was in the hospital and they gave me an injection which I thought was poison. I got up and punched the guy who gave me the shot. They put me in restraints which I can understand but the next day the pdoc was real nasty to me because I punched the guy.
A lot of the workers in the hospitals and crisis centers are under paid and under educated so cannot sympathize with someone who is psychotic. I still have a lot of anger about the ways I was treated in the past.
The psychosis itself is also traumatizing. I lived in constant fear for two years straight experiencing hallucinations and delusions. I still have nightmares where I am psychotic and confused and cannot communicate what’s going on.
And understaffed, I would imagine. When I worked as a caregiver in memory care (dementia), we were always severely understaffed. Which meant there was high turnover from high burnout rates, which meant we were even more understaffed by surprise half the time. I saw some of my coworkers behave in ways that made me feel like the whole situation was just super screwed up, because they were not normally “bad” people. At one point a resident kind of triggered me a little bit, and I almost slapped her, that’s how bad the stress was, I almost slapped an elderly person with dementia. Luckily I didn’t, but I knew it was time to resign, and I did.
That terrible episode of psychosis lasted nearly 2 years for me as well. I am terrified of ever experiencing something that bad again. I have had episodes since then, but none lasted that long and none ever reached that level of intensity.
This is something that is really not discussed when it comes to psychotic disorders. Maybe I will write about it at some point. Being traumatized and not receiving treatment for it is really not going to help someone on the path of recovery, especially if the hospital which is supposed to be a haven to get better becomes this terrifying experience.
I think there’s also this idea that maybe the person won’t remember anything or won’t comprehend they’re being maltreated because they’re psychotic. There’s certainly a lack of understanding/empathy/education there.
I had some pretty major delusions of Jesus taking over my body and mind. Felt like I would dissappear completely and morph back. And extreme panic fear that people would die if they went into my brothers room due to oppression from evil spirits. Traumatized my family as well on that one. For months anytime I heard my mom cough I thought she was crying. Not fun.
Last summer when I went off my meds I had a catatonic episode. I still remember how scary it was to have my muscles start seizing and contracting, and the intensity of my hallucinations at that moment. Each of my limbs started going stiff one by one until my dad got me to the ER and they gave me a high dose of haldol. I wasn’t able to flex my muscles for a few months afterwards because I was scared they would go rigid again.
Yes. I had a horrid delusion that I had murdered my parents while they were sleeping. I still swear to this day that there was blood on my carpet and hands from the “said” murder. I was frantic and freaking out. My sister was coming home that night, and I was trying to figure out if I should run or hide the bodies.
This was the worst night of my life. In reality, they had not been hurt at all but were sleeping in bed. I actually took all my stuff and blocked my door with it, so no one could come in and risk getting hurt by me. As well, I wanted the cops to shoot me when they came. This was a bad time. In the morning, my mother was alive and in the kitchen. I was shocked and spent the majority of the day making sure she was still alive.
As a result, I have avoided physically hugging or kissing my parents due to fear of accidentally murdering them. It is very ridiculous but I can’t shake the feeling that something horrid will happen if I initiate a hug.
