I have trauma from things that happened, and things that didn’t happen…
I’m taking this to mean do I feel traumatized by some of my psychotic episodes? YES.
I haven’t had anywhere near the family and physical abuse or trauma that other people have suffered. I actually come from a really stable home with a few quirks. There was a house fire that put my 3 year old sister and my 14 year old self in the burn unit. (4th of july fire work went through her bedroom window) But other then that, fairly lucky.
I do feel a deep sense of trauma for events that I perceived happened during psychosis. This one happens often and leaves me with a huge sense of self loathing and guilt…
It’s in two parts… My side/her side.
My side… I get mad at my kid sister and I beat her up. I break her little arms, and knock out some of her teeth, I break her nose and she is crying and begging and try to get away. But my rage is too great and in an un-controlled rage I really end up hurting this person who has been so vital to me.
How could I do that? Why would I do that… I hate myself, I’m so close to giving up and deciding to end this existence if I really am that rabid and that violent. I should be put down like the rabid piece of … that I am…
Then the next day… I get a bit lucid. I have to face what did. I have to be punished for what I did… Why would I do this to some one I care about about… My own kid sister… My sis comes in to my range of view and… there’s not a mark on her. No broken arms, has all her teeth. No broken nose… She’s perfectly fine.
Her side… I got a angry, my word salad kicked in with my clang association… I then froze, I gazed off into space and then I walked away and hid in my room or the bath until dawn.
I’m glad you mentioned the whole thing of psychosis it’s self being traumatic because looking back… sometimes it is. There’s the guilt and the gutted feeling and the permanent stain on the brain about what I think happened and then there is the guilt about what I really did during some of my episodes.
I’ve been trying to take a new idea of this to my therapist and try and keep chiselling down the guilt. Thank you for this very valid idea that I didn’t know how to articulate to my therapist.