Yeah my psychosis is traumatic. The worst was when I was a senior in high school and freshman in college. It was pretty deep in the ■■■■. All of the characteristics of a violent schizophrenia patient. Substance abuse, nonadherence to treatment, history of violence and also impulsivity. I was just surviving while using lots of stuff. Pot, alcohol, preworkout stimulants, tobacco. Lack of insight. Very sick. Once I learned I was sick I felt even worse. It was like well ■■■■ my life. I have flashbacks now and then. Like I’m hopeless and completely psychotic and rolling on tons of substances.
i was very traumatised, things built up and i just couldnt take anymore, i just lost it and the trauma was when i had the break down i basically lost my sanity, it was very traumatic and i am still dealing with that to this day.
Yes, especially the episodes over the last two years or so which I’m greatful to be behind me. They were like nothing I’ve ever experienced, don’t like to even think back on it, at all. I just leave it behind me. It was extremely traumatic. Before that my episodes consisted mainly of being flooded by memories from my teens and sometimes early childhood. Most of my delusions stemmed from a therapist who took horrible advantage of me at one of the weakest points in my life.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in my mid 20’s at the insistance of my case worker who knew what I was remembering was the truth, and at times sat beside me and faced down that little doctor as he stomped his feet and emitted bizarre moans behind gritted teeth. He may have slandered me awful on paper for my standing up to him but I at least had that diagnosis saying I’d experienced trauma.
I’ve since lost the diagnosis and probably will never get it back, the case worker lost her job over all that and I lost the only thing in my psychiatric history other than my anxiety disorder that was probably the truth. I’ve experienced the kind of trauma that fractures you’re mind, breaks you and they have the nerve to try to convince me it’s all imagined.
You know when the mental health system is used for good, great, when it’s used, which it often is, to make problems go away, to silence so that people who did awful and incomprehensible things can live out the rest of their lives as they wish, that burns me, it burns me deep.
I tried to swim across a river when I was psychotic and barely survived. Some lady saw me flailing about in the middle of the river and called 911. I was lucky enough to swim up behind a bridge girder and climb up on top of it where I was rescued by firefighters on a raft. Very traumatic experience, it was 4 or 5 years ago but I still think about it till this day, I should be dead. The only good thing that came out of it is I got disability.
I visually hallucinated as a teenager. Some of the things my mind conjured up…wow. I think the one that stands out the most is when I saw dead angels all around the hospital, all impaled with spears, bleeding and screaming. “Horrifying” does not seem to sufficiently sum it up.
My delusions concerning the devil were really traumatic, night terrors and stealing my imagination. Killing my children, tearing my belly open, horrific things like that. It got me to a point when I almost commited suicide to end it.
I don’t think pdocs understand really the kind of suffering we go through in psychosis, my therapist is now starting to understand how traumatized I am. My pdoc doesn’t have a clue, it’s all about dosages and meds and symptoms. As long as that covered, his work is done.
We don’t have social workers to help us here in portugal, just pdocs and private therapists.
Mine the most scary delusions were that I was dead and saw dead people. I was so terrified during these delusions that was hiding in the bathroom self harming to stop that mental pain… As they wanted my death I took overdoses which if not emergency call of my mum both times I would have not been here anymore… still have flashbacks from those times and cannot watch or talk about scary stuff… If you want to go to the movie with me definitely don’t choose “Ghost” heh…
So would you say you had the PTSD before your psychotic disorder? Because there is such a thing as PTSD induced psychosis where someone who has experienced a lot of trauma begins to have episodes of psychosis that sometimes get mistaken as schizophrenia.
Yes, before, just wasn’t aware of my trauma. I know PTSD can include psychosis like states, and I’ve experienced that. But I’ve also experienced the trauma just from going through psychotic breaks. Interesting thing is I wasn’t even having symptoms of psychosis when I was diagnosed.
If I had to give myself a diagnosis, it would probably be PTSD, anxiety disorder and dissociative disorder NOS. That’d be it.
But it’s not that PTSD can include psychosis-like states, it can cause the development of psychosis itself. (So a psychotic disorder induced by PTSD) It seems like you have a bad cycle of both past trauma and now psychotic trauma harming you…I’m very sorry. Sometimes since these issues aren’t as well known about you can get misdiagnosed.
Yeah. I was in college and was having thought broadcasting and delusions of grandeur. I thought I held the key to unlocking world peace and that I was a guinea pig. As things got worse I thought the whole campus/world was out to get me. Had a disagreement on a class message board. Had to meet with the prof and TA and I kept thinking they were talking about raping me.
I also quit my job to focus on my last year of school because I was sure they were gonna sabotage me. Sure enough it was finals of my last semester for my BA (in psych). But they were “reading my mind” and inserting and removing information so I didn’t do that well. Plus I hardly focused on the classes or readings and my thoughts were really out there because of voices/delusions. I missed a final.
I have always been somewhat impulsive so I called up a man who I know liked to provide me with oral sex. Sorry. He was also a doctor. We made an exchange for a note, I passed the final but the prof seemed very disappointed that I did. I graduated.
Guilt plus certainty she knew prompted me to tell my girlfriend. She left me which really sucked and sent me out of control. She knew I was schiz but I couldn’t control it, I had gotten the diagnosis and told her and cried but that wasn’t enough to stop me from believing them.
I acted out I was distraught many things were failing from a delusional basketball career to everything no grad school etc. I went to my brothers bar, was refused service, punched him and scuffled with the security guar. I was an embarrassing wreck. I went to another bar where I believe I hallucinated a man buying me drinks. I got hammered. I was walking home late screaming at the voices and the whole world/my captors. A man ran out of his motel, one of the seedy ones near my apt, and told me to shut up, I don’t remember actually punching him but then again I never remember that. I was running from him. The man who bought me drinks was all of a sudden there throwing rocks at me.
A cop happened to be parked a block up. This made it clear to me they had been waiting for me. It was the setup. The officer told us to stop and told me to sit down while he talked to the other guy. I did.
I counted to twelve then ran. The officer caught me, roughed me up, then it was the squad car. Then jail.
I was there for a reason though, my ability to broadcast my thoughts was going to be used to fix the jail system. I was the king of the whole jail, everybody could read my mind, some liked me some didn’t. I bonded out five days later only to fail a drug test the next day and go right back in. I was distraught because the helicopters were following me but I assumed my job was not done. Unfortunately the system was controlling my emotions so I had a lot of problems. I almost just left the state.
Well they still hadn’t figured out I was schiz because I wouldn’t release my medical records. Never went to trial just endless delays. One court date was before Christmas. My bond was set at 35000$ and they decided to try to pin another battery on me from across town, this time felony. Luckily I had my debit card receipts but the trial still had to be delayed. I threw a fit in the courtroom and told the judge I ■■■■■■ his wife.
They put me in with the felons. The girl I had been seeing (not the girl from college) was a black girl and had said she was pregnant with my child. I still don’t know if he was my son or not because he died at birth. Later. I am a white guy. I was chosen to join the black race because of my basketball ability, my freestyle rapping and music production, and my large genitals. It was all part of the delusion. Some of my voices were black and they would encourage me to use the N word as part of “passing”, not in a racist way just sort of the way gangster rappers use it. Also preface here I’m not that big of a guy (aside from my aforementioned genitals). At the time I was 150 lbs.
I got back to the “pod” in jail, this time with the felons. Jail food is meager and they encourage family members to purchase commissary items like ramen noodles for $1.50 per pack. A racket. I was very hungry and during the transition to court and back had missed a meal I think. I got back to jail as they were serving dinner. I got to the front of the line and the inmate who was serving (inmates do most of the tasks in jail with limited guard or CO oversight. Most of the guards are “former” gang members. I’m paranoid but this is real) was going to refuse me a meal. He was a white guy. I loudly called him the N word and challenged him to fight. He was not that big. They gave me a meal and no violence occurred. I went and sat down at the black table. You see I’m a madman!
The black group was not that big in that pod and was mostly just about self defense so they weren’t offended by me. It was the white guys who were mad. I refused to be bullied though despite numerous slaps. One day the CO told me to go in and make my bed during yard time. It was mysterious to me, my bed was made. I was in manic shape and had just finished my workout routine of 20 pullups. The CO went to do his round. Two guys came into my cell and sucker punched the ■■■■ out of me. I kept my consciousness and my teeth but to this day can’t feel my top teeth and my face feels weird. They left my cell and closed the door so I was locked in.
Furious I yelled and banged on the cell. I yelled the guys name. The guard finally came and got me. He asked who did this and then they took us away. In my fury I had accidentally broken rule number one, no snitching.
From then on I was targeted. I was so scared one night because of what they said they were going to do to me I started trying to take my own life. The moved me to PAC, or protective custody. Still couldn’t eat because of a complex exchange based paranoia I have wherein I cannot accept things as gifts.
I released my medical records and was eventually discharged to a hospital and my case dropped. But not before doing four months. They never turn the lights off I jail and it’s absolutely horrible. I received no medical attention after fights. I didn’t close my door fast enough one time and got maced. Fights were always gang oriented. Some people belong in there. The guards are awful and corrupt.
The food at the hospital was great but I still didn’t trust doctors because it was after all a doctor who kept me in jail under “psych eval”.
So ya I guess you could say I was traumatized. It would have been fine if I hadn’t failed the drug test for weed. I have a medical card now. It sent my crazy through the roof. I got on the pills and finally came home. The psychosis traumatized me but so did the trauma. I tried to take my own life several times and carved “■■■■ life” into my knuckles with a comb. Scary as hell thats all I can say.
Yes. I was traumatized by how people treated me during this psychotic episode, other than the psychosis itself.
I am dealing with PTSD from my first time psychosis since 2015.
It has gotten better or I only got accustomed to this thoughts and way of negativity.
Wow this is an anciet thread!! But I think stills useful one to have around and get input from. It’s still a topic I’m intrigued by.
I don’t think the trauma inflicted by psychosis gets enough attention. Or even mental illness in general. Even if I don’t count that horrible first major psychotic episode, living my entire childhood w untreated ignored and unsupported mental illness was terrifying/painful and traumatic as well.
Sometimes since these issues aren’t as well known about you can get misdiagnosed.