Cause when I am desperate it hurts. It hurts so much that I shout in front of my mother. what can we do in those moments? I guess I am not the only one like this…
I don’t go out being like this, I am too fragile even physically when I am desperate.
what can we do people? and mostly, how you handled those moments in the past where you were at your worst? hah… I don’t know why I have this desperation per moments so strong like this…
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I feel so bad for you, @Anna1. I know you are in a lot of emotional pain. Why not call your pdoc?
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desperation in your case sounds like a symptom of emotional dysregulation. or maybe it could be simply you having a moment of insight into how terrible your illness really is. remember that many aps also work as mood stabilizers so you have plenty of chemical support.
desperation is normal for people like us when the illness is very severe. i think that in those who are apathetic demoralization may be more common.
At least now I feel something. he cant do anything anymore for me. I am just in front of the reality that I became very ugly because of that illness, I missed 15 years of my life where the others developed themselves. It will be ultra hard to find a partner now. I even don’t have my periods anymore because of the meds. what if ill want a kid? plus I missed so many time that even if I feel better, ill be in front of the reality that I am a loser like gorrsiter says. I guess its a moment of insight more than a desperation from the illness. Its still very painful to realize where I am now. I can be very mean and bad with others now. envious too. and they reject me because of this…they just know how to give me lessons or to throw in my face their happiness.
Gina, thank you for writing darling. But in a way, I feel more alive on this lithium. but its all per moments.
its hard to be ugly. its what my best friend said in my back in the past for me.
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You are NOT ugly, @Anna1. You are a very cute girl. I’ve seen photos of you. Don’t believe that lie.
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i think your issue is rumination, unlike me you have a wealth of thoughts running through your head most of the day, but unfortunately for you a lot of the time they seem to be mostly negative. talk to your psychiatrist about having all these negative thoughts all the time, its possible they will have a solution to quiet your brain down. they may not be able to pick the negativity out of the brain specifically but they can quiet it down all together, thats why benzos make us feel better, because we feel less we feel almost euphoric. we feel less pain.
also have you tried supplements like l-theanine? ive heard they can do good things for you.
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you’re not ugly! anyway is there something wrong with being “ugly”? im ugly in many peoples opinion. i don’t let it get me down. don’t call yourself ugly @Anna1
Ok, gina. Ill try to turn to the light more wow 
Maybe god yes 
god wasn’t present in my family cause my dad was communist and atheist. just my mom is a bit religious
Oh gorrister, you have a good point yeap when I landed firstly in the psychiatry I could barely talk so the docs didn’t know what was wrong with me exactly. The aps never calmed my brain too. I almost didn’t speak for years.Tbh, I had just now some ‘‘kick’’ from the lithium, its strange 
Really, I had it just now while writing to you here Idk why lithium works better than the Zyprexa. But I am on quite low dose of it cause more than 300 mg made me anxious…
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I think it’s a natural reaction.
You emotions have been numbed for a long while, and now you’re able to feel again. You’re feeling the negative emotions first because they’re the strongest and the easiest to feel.
Like I’ve said before, it’s important to let yourself feel emotions, and not try to bottle them up. Of course, you should try to control how you act on them, but don’t deny yourself of feeling emotions.
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I have problems with my image cause I was ill since kid. My mom says my illness is the reason for my problems with men, not how do I look. But I had quite exccentric looks not in my advantage so I looked like crap in the past and nobody didn’t like me. I never had a partner. so I guess I still suffer on this, I regret what I missed now, you see? 
I never had fun hah Plus, I had bad comments about me from my friends which was the worst. I trusted my friends. yeah, I am ill
Yeap, berru. I feel more than before I find. But sometimes its a bit too much.
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Do you ever feel suicidal?
Yes, but I feel suicidal since 10 years and by moments-since kid…
It will probably take some time to get used to feeling things again, and it will most likely be a little overwhelming in the beginning.
I’m sure it will even itself out a little once you get used to it and learn to control it
is it always so painful? I shouldn’t be worried by this no berru? I control myself. I wont harm anyone. maybe just me idk…
You are aware of what to do if you ever feel like acting upon your suicidal thoughts, right?
tbh gina, it was a good day today but my ebening it was quite bad. I shouted and cried on the phone to my aunt… I just have to hope that it would be just this. but it was on the border a bit, I am worried by this moments. My docs prescribed me klonopin for those moments but I find its not a good option cause those moments are often
You know that if you ever have a definite plan for how to end your life, you are to call your pdoc. Or, if it is after hours, you are to call 911 immediately. Of course, you can call 911 anytime.
I’m not sure, I’ve never tried lithium.
But I did go numb for a while, and when the emotions came back, all the negative ones came first.
Eventually they got less intense, and I learned to deal with them better. I even learned to feel good emotions again. For a while, I thought I would never be able to smile or laugh without being high on drugs, but it happened eventually.
It takes time and adjusment and patience.
Ok, don’t worry gina, ill note this. Now I am better. But I felt suicidal this night. Its some strange process that I make. I starve for health and happiness already. and when I don’t have it, I feel straight suicidal…But I paced at my house today. now I am better. I am not suicidal right now. But it was tough…
Ok, I see. its like this for some of us I know that. Me, I went deeper for a bit too long, that’s why I am more problematic. Me too I abused with weed for 6 years. I just went crazier with it and I said a lot of dumb things about it(pro) of which I am a bit ashamed now…