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[onceapoet]

I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t be writing this at all but I’m like a little time bomb. I blow up and then everything’s better. I can’t blow up by myself. It doesn’t work. Enjoy.

I f ing hate this disease. It’s not an illness it’s a disease. Cancer is an illness. Cancer, you sit there. You have cancer. You try to fight it or accept it depending on what stage it’s in. Everyone suffers with you. They’re sitting by you bed while you sit there quietly.

Sza is a f ing disease. I’m sitting here, I don’t even know what my feelings are. I fell out of love with C. Or is it just the lithium? What the ■■■■. I’ve been like this before. I don’t love you. I do love you. Now I know in my heart of hearts that’s what’s I want, to be alone. No. Deep in my heart I feel intense love for you. Now I don’t love you. When with this ■■■■■■■ ■■■■ end?

How in the HELL am I suppose to function like this?! I know I’ve had it peachy compared to most people on this site (I was caught day one but I have been suicidal since birth almost) but COME ON. How can I look him in the face and tell him I don’t love him (I did, but not in so many words and he understands what I’m going through). I would rather see visions than have this happen. He is my shining star. My fuzzy caterpillar. What the HELL?

I know it might not be my medication, I know it must not be because of the depth of my feelings but how in the hell am I supposed to make choices with this ■■■■ going on? Give me hallucinations. Please. Let the walls melt and the floor turn into cockroaches. Please. Just don’t take away what’s best in my life.

Ironically I’m getting along better with my parents. My brain likes them now more than I like Creighton. I’ve loved him for five years now. I’m stable in every other way on lithium. I’ve stopped being suicidal, I’ve stopped having hypo mania, I just can’t stand this hell. It used to be I would look at everyone and feel warmly towards them. You know. We’re all living beings. What a sweet old lady with her cart. I bet that teenager is talking to her boyfriend, oh young love! Oh wow, he must be a busy dad with four kids. I wonder if those are all his.

And now, nothing. I feel nothing for other people. It’s a chore to pick up the phone when my friend L calls and I haven’t really thought about going to see my friend K. (She lives in the same city my doctors are). I’m just happy moodily rereading books. Happy isn’t the right word but it will do there. Feeling less. I feel feeling less when I read. It used to be I loved to follow the story and the characters but now it seems sorta passionless. I have no where to go, nothing to do. I can’t get a car even though I’m ready to drive so I can’t get a job (there are no jobs in my city).

When I’m not feeling less I’m angsty. Do I love him? No, I don’t love him. How do I get out of this? What happens if it turns out I do love him but I pushed him away? What if I’m getting rid of the best part of me?
He loves me in a way that no one else ever has. He had shown such care and love to me.

Sza is a disease and cancer is an illness because, as I said with cancer they’re sitting right there next to you, consoling you. With sza they don’t even have that comfort. You’re spitting mad at them. You hate them. You wish they would just leave you alone but you love them. They’re trying to kill you. You have to get away. You can’t so you come out swinging.

Cancer at least lets you hug them back. Sza makes you try to bite their ear off.

Or maybe it trick you into thinking you love someone.

How can I do this? How can I live like this?

[northernsky]

cancer kills many people after a couple of years if not months after discovery. with sz you have to live your entire life with it.

[anon27867610]

Cancer is much worse than schizophrenia.

[SzAdmin]

@onceapoet

How can I do this? How can I live like this?

Hi, if you can, perhaps it would be helpful to see a psychologist or therapist. These are the types of discussions where a therapist could really help I think. This is why I think this news is important - it helps you deal with these types of thoughts you are having:

NY Times: Talk Therapy Found to Ease Schizophrenia

This looks like a hugely significant story. Let’s see if we can keep from getting this thread locked this time around. "More than two million people in the United States have a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and the treatment for most of them mainly involves strong doses of antipsychotic drugs that blunt hallucinations and delusions but can come with unbearable side effects, like severe weight gain or debilitating tremors. "Now, results of a landmark government-funded study call that approach into question. The findings, from by far the most rigorous trial to date conducted in the United States, concluded that schizophrenia patients who received a bigger emphasis on one-on-one talk therapy an…

[Hedgehog]

@Malvok, yes, I literally watched my mom get eaten alive by cancer. She wanted to live and wasn’t allowed to. It was horrible. I’ve wanted to die for over 30 years and am not allowed to. God doesn’t approve my suicide. Cancer is worse, and yet the sympathy and understanding it evokes, as opposed to the shame and isolation of this disorder, is in itself enviable.

[Anna10]

me too i am lost with my feelings. the paranoia is tough but the depersonalization and the derealisation are hard things also. its hell. i am anxious also… i fight, i don’t go to therapys cause i think according to my mother mostly and she is opposed to therapys for me… she believes in activating, in fighting this depression which goes with sz… i ve never had feelings in sexe, i miss it, relly …
we should continue fighting man, that’s what i do. but i am a hater sometimes. sometimes feded up…

[Msea]

I think that confusion towards him will pass. I struggle really bad with the same feelings when I’m in a relationship-an endless cycle of I love him/y am I here.

[darksith]

i am feeling like ■■■■ at the moment aswell…
sorry you are feeling bad
this illness sucks
i ■■■■■■■ hate it too.
my ocd is bad…so over it…i can’t control my own mind at the moment.
know some one cares
take care

[anon31257746]

I go through the same thing. Flip flopping between liking someone or wanting to do something not wanting to do it. Mad or sad. Happy or glum . Bitter or optimistic. Flip flop flip flop.
I don’t trust my emotions generally.

[onceapoet]

I in no way meant to sound like I thought sza was worse than cancer. I couldn’t imagine getting better and then being afraid all the time there would be a relapse and I didn’t know it and it would kill me quietly. At least with sza there are definite signs you need help. What I was trying to say is that I envy people who are sick who aren’t throwing hair brushes at their supporters (emotionally speaking), are able to trust their feelings, and have normal emotions.

What I was saying is that I would give my life to fall back in love with C.

@Anna10 what is depersonalization and derealization? Is activating a sort of new age self help thing?

[Anna10]

onceapoet, I didn’t read a lot about depersonalization and derealization but for me the first(in my case) is not to have a personality. I don’t know which music I like, which food, which clothes(fashion)… and the second is more related to a kind of autistic approach to the reality. where you live in your head, with your delusions about the reality etc etc… my mom often says to me that the reality is one. me,i am in my own world with my dreams, frustrations, fears and introvercy… I activate myself because it helps me to relate better to this common reality, to relate to people(I try to talk more to them)… I guess that I convinced myself that this is the only way to regain emotions and some kind of a reason plus every day out makes me proud of myself and I try to regain confidence.
its hard for me to live without feelings. sometimes I have a lot ot feelings but they are inadequate to this reality, they are in a mess if I can express myself like this :/…

[crimby]

When I was on Haldol I felt dead. Being on Haldol wasn’t living. It was just existing, like an amoeba that just seeks the best environment and doesn’t do much else. After a while I kind of got used to the Haldol shot, though. They reduced my dose, and I took large quantities of ephedrine and drank a lot of coffee. The first thing I did in the morning was take forty ephedrine pills and drink a whole pot of coffee. That wasn’t too bad a time, but it was the worst health I had ever been in. I was weak as a sick kitten. It was hard to quit the ephedrine, too. Now, I’m on Geodon, and I feel much better. I still do caffeine, but it is under control. I think my addiction to it is mostly psychological. Geodon weakens me physically as much as Haldol did, and I hate that, but I do feel like I am alive on Geodon. I don’t know if I can ever get off the antipsychotics. It’s never worked when I tried.

[shutterbug]

Hey…

(((HUG)))

Every person has a gift to offer to the world. Never doubt that. Just remember that sometimes the person who wraps that gift is a bit of a prankster and getting the wrapping off is a real bugger. You’ll get there!

Pixel.

[deepndark]

I think the voices in our heads ARE like psychological cancers.

[Nenya]

Do you feel dead while of the meds too?

[crimby]

Yes! Absolutely. It always lies heavy on my heart that I have to take these med’s, but I know what happens when I don’t take them, so I have to comply with my med regimen.