okay so i have noticed that i dont make any friends and havent made any for 25 years. i was shunned even when i was like 5-10 years old even though i never was a nerd or anything. i was always shunned throughout the life and the few friendly encounters i have had have only led to emberassing situation where one hasnt benefited at all but instead had achieved the opposite of what was supposed to be achieved - a very negative and depressing experience. the only thing i thought i had - my physical and mental fitness - were both proven wrong by becoming psychotic and gaining tons of weigth from illness. i am really tired of having to suck up to this â– â– â– â– â– â– up life where you cant be yourself and are punished and ridiculed or ignored throughout your entire life - and the only thing you thought you had is also being taken away from you.
even on the â– â– â– â– â– â– â– internet i am banned left and right and people dont give a flying â– â– â– â– of what i am saying.
should i kill my former self and totally become a new person or something? how do people like ME more? how do i become sane again?
the voices nag me to death with empty promises that everything will be better in the future but they were all wrong from the stuff that i have experienced. all their promises have been null and void to this day. and the ■■■■■■■promises they make are not that of a big deal anyway. any peasant would have those promises fullfilled while i dont. i am sick and tired of this life of pointless exclusion, failure and loss. i dont even blame people for doing those because it can be fun to exclude people. i am just sick and tired of being excluded out of life since i was born. to be stuck here in my ■■■■■■■4 wands prison cell called “home” and knowing that if i go out i will only experience ■■■■■■■rejection after rejection and ridicule. this life is a ■■■■■■■hell and i am tired of it. i dont even know what to do anymore. all the things i valued in people and the religious things i put much faith in were destroyed by the schizophrenia and replaced with a cancerous worldview of the most annoying and unimaginative garbage one could come up with. i hate to see people having success, like my relatives, or people you meet on the internet WHO DONT ■■■■■■■DESERVE THAT ■■■■. WHAT THE ■■■■IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT THESE IDIOTS AND THAT MAKES ME LESS OF A PERSON TO HOLD THEIR POSITION AND STATUS IN SOCIETY? probably will get banned for this post also. goodbye shitty world.
Please don’t place the blame on yourself. Schizophrenia is a brain disorder, and has nothing to do with characters flaw.
Take the initiative to share your love with others, and I believe men and women will do likewise to you.
what love are we talking here? i dont blame myself, i know that god is in control of this garbage dump, and that everything you do is him making you do it. so if you apply for a job its god applying for a job and getting rejected, because he made you get rejected.
you getting no friend requests? its god purposely ruining your life because he is placing thoughts into your peers as to not want to associate with you.
and i know this for a fact because when i was in hospital i used to hear the voices day in day out. all of my fellow patients were absolutely hostile towards me. the voices were also constantly talking about how i will end up in hell.
then suddenly the voices became friendly one morning. and you know what? the â– â– â– â– â– â– â– people became friendly too.
I did nothing to be despised by the people or to be welcomed by the people. i was always being me. so this sudden shift of hostility towards acceptance has only been caused by the voices.
I’m not going to sugar coat this. If all you get from people is ■■■■, it’s almost definitely because they feel that’s what they are getting from you. Your voices do not control other people and it’s not god who has it in for you either.
no - they mostly ignore me and dont want to associate with me. i did absolutely nothing infact i was basically silent the whole time in hospital. they were hostile towards me without any reason. and suddenly, once the voices turned neutral, they became accepting of me.
did you never experience hostility for just being yourself without saying a word? did you never experience rejection based on looks or whatever the people imagine subconciously your personality to be without ever having a dialogue with you?
like becoming sane out of the blue? i didnt change my attitude to be a schizophreniac. it just came to me one night. i dont think we have much control in life.
Yes, of course I have. Some people are judgemental and dislike you for no good reason. But when everyone seems to dislike you for no reason, the logical conclusion is that you must be doing something to make them act like that. Even if you are not aware of doing anything special. And also, when you are completely silent, people tend to interpret that as you not liking them. And if they think you don’t like them, they are likely to not like you.
Why then did they start accepting me for no reason, when the voices became neutral and not talking about hell and dying all the time? I didnt become more outspoken.
why were girls always ignoring me in school? i tried to be nice and actually drove them home but they didnt give a ■■■■about me all this time. why did the few girls who got interested in me as a person never ■■■■■■■made any steps into knowing me more (like asking simple questions) but openly told me they like me and that was it. seriously never was a relationship developed. with the boys i had the same issues they were like “buddies” but they never give a flying ■■■■about me or my life. while i did try my best to get to know them.
There are things I blame God for on both a philosophical/world view type level, and also on a personal/ “why does this happen to me” level. I figure God is big enough to take it. It’s not like I am picking on someone smaller than me. I think God wouldn’t like it if I took my anger out on someone smaller than me.
As for your problem making friends - you might be giving up too early. That’s what I do. Very soon after meeting someone I’ll say, “well, this person doesn’t want me around, so I won’t bother him”. It might be that you are walking away too soon.
Schizophrenia really does make life a spiritualish hell. Being truthful with myself I probably have not thrown myself in front of a train because I’m high on anti-anxiety Medicine daily.
if suicide was easy i wouldve done it long time ago. but most of the suicide methods are either painful as hell or you have no guarantee that you die and survive with an even worse state than you are in already.
