I have schizophrenia. I’m pretty open about it, and I don’t keep it a secret, but I don’t mention it until I feel I have to. I’ve most likely had it since I was a child, if not always.
I have many negative symptoms, meaning that it steals something from me.
Some of them include:
Lack of initiative
Lack of focus
Inability to “think fast” or make fast desicions
Inability to pick up on social cues
Fatigue
It makes me quiet, and seem slow to others even though my IQ is measured pretty darn high.
The reason I’m writing this is because I just lost yet another friend to it. By that, I mean he got fed up with the above-mentioned symptoms because he felt I wasn’t trying hard enough to overcome them, and walked out of my life.
This is not a first-time occurence either. I’m so sick of people not understanding that I can’t help it. I’m trying, I really am trying to be normal and not-annoyingly-passive, but between the symptoms and the meds that make me tired, it doesn’t really show.
And it’s not like I’m hiding behind my mental illness, using it to get what I want or anything.
I’m hurt and sad and a little bit angry right now. I don’t want to be sick, and it hurts that I keep losing friends over it. Even the ones who say they understand because they have “other schizophrenic friends” don’t seem to understand that schizophrenia isn’t just about the hallucinations or voices. (I hear voices too)
I will never be able to match normal people’s standards.
I’m so sad It hurts like hell, and if I could choose not to be sick, I would, but I can’t, and I feel like I have to come out of the mental illness-closet every time I meet someone new to prevent them from thinking I’m just a passive weirdo.
What do I… How do I cope with this overwhelming feeling of never being good enough? How do I make people understand that this is who I am, and that I really am trying to better myself?
I feel so sorry for you @Berru!
For me, I have severe cognitive symptoms, the symptoms also make me a passive jerk in public,
although I am supposed(used to!) to have high IQ, and I can’t function, I don’t work or study, I don’t do household chores,
I have trouble with hygiene.
This despite me being supposed to have high IQ, and being very active, confident and sociable,
and having a good level of fitness(that I indeed have).
In addition to all I mentioned, I am also socially isolated, I had a lot of friends but I lost them all as the disease appeared
and then got worse.
Further, I am medication free, so my severe problems are clearly disease related and not due to side effects of medications.
Perhaps try to find people who share you troubles and pain( who have schizophrenia as well and face similar issues), such people won’t be mean to you and will understand you better.
There are people out there who understand the mental illness. Who knows you will meet them when you least expect it?
Sorry for raising more questions than answers.
You have to make peace with yourself before you can expect others too. If you really are doing the best you can, then stand by that and be proud of what you have accomplished. Don’t focus on what you supposedly can’t or have not done.
You have a tremendous self-awareness. Be proud of that. You have this disorder and you are aware of what it has done to you and taken from you. But that’s not who you are.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a terrible friend. I forget people’s stories, birthdays…I never call anyone (except my son and my dad), and I don’t like going out much.
I’m a terrible friend, but not a terrible person. I do what I can, and so do you. I will not apologize for my disability, and neither should you. ️
Thanks, I appreciate it.
I’m a “terrible” friend too, but some people still pick up on the fact that I genuinely care about them. I just wish more people did, I guess, but you’re right. It does not make me a terrible person that I have this thing in my brain, and I have to learn to accept it.
I guess I was lucky that my mom never put much faith in friends. Even though she had some friends, she always told me that friends come and go and that I shouldn’t count on friends too much. I don’t know if she told me that because I was an odd kid and she was trying to protect me. I’ll never know, but I’ve never felt the deep desire or need for friends. I guess that saved me from some of the pain of it…
I’ve found that the more I accept myself, though, that the easier it is to not feel apologetic to anyone, and that’s a separate issue. I used to be more passive and used to get “stepped on” all the time. I don’t allow that anymore.
Thar’s my biggest issue; I’m very passive and I tend to let people step on me. When I finally assert myself then, it catches them by surprise because they’re so used to getting away with anything, and then they get mad.
I’ve never felt the desire for many friends, I’m more the kind of person who gets very attached to a few people, but that makes it hurt even more when they disappear
How did you move from getting stepped on, to not allowing that anymore? What I’m trying to ask is, how do I make that transition?
I haven’t done it gracefully, I admit. And I’ve been working on it for years, but made the most improvement in the last few years.
I never stood up for myself before. It was torture to have people take advantage and disregard me. I would suffer such stress and it would often trigger self-abuse. I’m not saying it never happens anymore, but much much less.
I finally made a promise to protect myself.
It started with expressing some anger, not pretty but necessary… and I’m still clumsy about it. But it’s getting better to where I can have boundaries to protect myself. I say no to things more often. I tell people when they’re wrong, hurting my feelings, etc. And I don’t allow destructive people in my life.
I cut off all contact and have no relationship with my own sister because she’s destructive to me.
I protect myself. And it’s way more peaceful and satisfying than having more relationships.
its bad that is no way to explain your symptoms, you just say its hard, and they respond like to all people is hard , you have to try harder, i hate these things. I am sick of people. I dont want to be near most people cuz I dont want to explain my situation.People are mean.
I can relate. I tell people I’m struggling, and I get “We all have struggles”.
I understand that everybody is struggling with something, but is it really so selfish of me to say that some people might struggle a bit harder than others, and that every struggle is different?
I know it hurts to lose friends. I agree with what wave said, it is not your fault, nobody asks to have schizophrenia. I don’t think people without schizophrenia can quite understand what it feels like, some are emphatic, but for most it carries a stigma.
I once heard, real friends you can count on the fingers of one hand. I’ve found it to be true. I’m you might have some, with time some friends drift apart, but you’re true friends will always come back looking for you even if it is only once in awhile or for a short moment. Don’t be so hard on yourself Berru, sadly loneliness seems to accompany schizophrenia.
Yeah right now my friends wanna see me and I want to see them too, but I am pretty scared to go out and do it. I haven’t seen them for a while, so I don’t know if they are ever going to just get fed up with me and stop trying at all. I don’t think that would be the worst thing in the world though, at least for a few of them.
It hurts like hell, and if I could choose not to be sick, I would, but I can’t, and I feel like I have to come out of the mental illness-closet every time I meet someone new to prevent them from thinking I’m just a passive weirdo.
️
