I cannot recall where I stumbled onto the concept, but it was very likely in some text on borderline personality / dissociative identity disorder, a DSM II, III and IV, Axis II dx that describes a collection of behaviors commonly seen in the various psychotic dx’s, as well. (Some pros suggest that PP is at the core of the paranoia that is so common in the psychotic disorders.)
My own version of it is driven by a deep sense of fear of being abused (and helpless) here vs. a separate, but equally deep sense of fear of being all alone (and helpless) there. In the former, my “inner children” see potential victimizers and bullies everywhere; in the latter, they see abandoners. In both cases, these inner children whip back and forth from terror of being alone to resentful rage.
With the help of various mindfulness practices, I became more and more aware of these conflicting “institutions of belief” and how they affected my behavior in ways that confused others and drove them off… if I hadn’t already run off from them.
I can see now that both “institutions of belief” (or “belief systems”) are anchored in the behavioral conditioning I experienced as a pretty likely over-sensitive small child with an adoptive mother who veered suddenly from invasively over-protective (like a “helicopter mom”) and smothering… to harshly reactive, critical and very often out-of-control violent. (Conversations with cousins about her suggest she was borderline and/or bipolar, btw.)
But again – and in the vein of “I may not be responsible for my disease, but I am responsible for my recovery” – this is not about blaming. This is about coming to grips with “what is” so that I can deal with it more effectively.
I have seen a few other examples of this “splitting” and parallel processing here on this forum. I wonder if trying to wrap one’s mind around what I have described here might be useful if one truly wants to get up out of the box of one’s fear and rage.
If I could find the proper girl I think it’d go away as my fear is being left alone to suffer this psychotic self abuse for the rest of my life.
It’s irrational though. I just have trouble be patient at this point in time, which leaves me agitated.
Anyways I’m a psychotic bi orient who everyone seems to enjoy calling gay (bully thing you mentioned).
Girls hear that ■■■■ and I don’t know what they wind up thinking but it certainly keeps them from talking to me. Regardless of how strongly interested they were in the beginning.
Hate it man, hate it. Something will work out some day.
All I can say is, “I have been looking for the proper girl for longer than you have been alive, but in this cult-ure, I’ve only ever met one, and she has a string of high-buck working girls in Beverly Hills.”
I had to give up looking for The Answer “out there.” (I didn’t get that from her, though. I got it in these books:
I know two candidates in real life. Unfortunately they’re best friends so I don’t really know what to do about that. They both take a lot of drugs. One has expressed desires to clean up a bit, but she doesn’t live here. Likely will once she graduates… The other seems to like me as well but she’s a bit more complicated to approach.
Oh well oh well oh well.
Patience is a virtue but mine is running short. Got my psychosis managed so now I’m incredibly bored.
Have stayed in for the most part for the last three days. Isolation just gives me time to dream of something better.
Two of the Patterns and Characteristics of Co-dependence are…
“I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.”
and
“I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.”
Guilty on both counts, of course, though I no longer give a f##k about the first, and no longer get resentful when the advice is rejected. Because in my world, that’s How It Works (hint, hint).
So I observe to notice to recognize to acknowledge to accept to own to appreciate to understand about ten times an average day that whatever I put out there that is known to work a high percentage of the time will be ignored by those I put it out to for whatever reasons.
(Hey! I defended my ego against all onslaughts of empirical evidence for decades. I got to go to the locked ward eleven times in nine years and wake up twice in the ICU after ingesting the entire med cab, save for the Tylenol.) (NEVER take Tylenol on a suicide mission. NEVER.)
From what I’ve seen most of your advise is valid and helpful.
Anyways I don’t really give a ■■■■ about other people for the most part. I’ll still play supportive roles when I think it’s proper. Some people just have to figure it all out for themselves. I’be always been a passive person though. (Think I would have this patience and tolerance of loneliness down by now)
We were discussing the other day that when you feel you have a problem situation its very easy for it to become an obsession. In my isolation I have slipped back into that obsession. Where my identity itself is the problem(as it always has been). Not validated by many, in fact discredited in many instances.
I’m tired of trying to change, but I know that none of this will ever stop unless. I don’t even know where to go any more. Stuck at square one just reviewing the scenario and my life. I need an escape, but none can be found.
So this isolation, while preferable to trying to socialize, is quite horrendous this time around.
I laid there last night for hours trying to force the acceptance that I’m just a homosexual just as they all want me to be. Couldn’t find the feeling to make it stick.
I know I’m a schizo and most of my oppression complex is imagined. But the voices and messages dominate my mind.
I absolutely hate being who I am but I can’t quit. Wish I could just have some silence for a while.
I’ve got one non judgmental friend who has been coming over a lot. She’s cool, but as always ■■■■ get’s complicated. I’m not going to go into that though.
“I don’t get it… why are gay people bi?”(Because we, just like you, have absolutely no fucking choice so fuck off rachel)edit: (and no god damn it we don’t think we’re straight, it’s you and your cultural binary that puts that shit in our head)
Ended up having some nice dreams… but that’s another story as well.
The fact that you recognize that puts you at stage three of five in Prochaska & DiClemente’s widely, professionally accepted process of recovery: Denial / pre-contemplation, contemplation / consideration, acceptance / identification, commitment / action, maintenance / relapse prevention. That’s a fine and dandy place to be because it makes moving on to the next stage possible.
If you want to do that, either reply here or PM me, and I will run down the methods that strongly evidence-supported for what you have described here and elsewhere, including the cheapo – but very effective – workbooks one can bag on amazon.com.