Yeah, when I first got sick at 19 I suffered non-stop for two years. I mean SUFFERED. I had nothing, no friends, no girlfriend, no job, no school, no car, no independence, no money, and certainly no sanity. Every minute on earth was torture. I don’t know how I stuck around, I had every reason to commit suicide. But I am a 100% glad that I stuck around. I relapsed when I was 28 and heavily addicted to crack. Another year of torture. I got kicked out of my apartment and I moved in with my dad and family friend. I slept on a mattress on the floor surrounded on all sides by junk our friend was storing. Now I was 28 and I had nothing. I was alone in the apartment all day. I had nothing to do and nothing going for me. I started going into hospitals again. It was unbearable, I was miserable and poor. Again, I had every excuse in the book to commit suicide. Bad times. And my dad put me in a home. At age 66 after two heart attacks, he did not want, and could not take care of me. So I started from zero. But I kicked drugs and things slowly started to get better. My life changed. I got a friend, a job, I started taking a class or two. My life started to be more bearable. I moved into a board and are home. I am rarely, “one of the guys”. Just sometimes. The other 14 guys were either ambivalent to my existence or the trouble makers didn’t accept me. Which was fine most of the time. I was doing my own thing. It disturbed me a little when they all hung out on the porch together and I sat alone. But they didn’t hate me, I was just an outsider. Who worked and never got in trouble. I digress. I have done every cliche in my disease. Suffered, went through hell, was EXTREMELY unhappy, miserable, hopeless, Yadda, yadda, yadda. Been there, done that. When I was going through hell, I kept going. You are in a rut. But so are we. You need some kind of help and direction. Easy for me to say, right? Just try something new. Just be aware that there is always hope. Even for the worst of us. I don’t want to see ANYONE here commit suicide. If you knew how little I actually have going for me you would shake your head in disbelief. Sorry, can’t defend myself in interactions with other people. But I’m a good worker and I have intelligence which you come across as having too. I’ve worked steadily since 1983. I’ve just had my share of luck and lucky breaks, with LOTS and LOTS of help along the way. Good luck. Don’t commit suicide.


I have never been exposed to the horrors you have @pansdisease, but you are important. You have values. Remember your word, etsaman? You stood up to me when I was careless about my hurtful word and you corrected me. That is special. You don’t bow down. You don’t submit. I have seen this in your posts. You are a firm believer that everyone has a purpose, and you know that many people are products of their environment, a concept I still have problems with. You have an experience with suffering that gives you a sense of compassion that most people who have never suffered lack.
You do not back down.
I have seen this in you.
You do not surrender. You rest. You let disagreements be just that. Differences of opinion. But you do not yield simply because someone else has something in mind. That is rare. I have had classes with over a hundred people who can’t even begin to voice their opinion. You have something in mind. You have never told me what you have in mind. Do you have a camera in mind? A pen? A computer? A paint brush?
Will you photograph, write, blog, or paint what you have in mind? Will you do what I cannot and talk about it?
Will you show them? They can’t shunt you aside, they can’t ignore you when you when you have passion. They will have to hear you.
You have the ability to make everyone hear you.

pansdisease, after reading your numerous postings I know you have gone through a lot, some of your postings have scared me, but the God wants you to live as it has always done, as I have written also the world is a ■■■■ place and many ■■■■ things have happened to me too, the God wants you to survive. Be strong.

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