Other big kids can spend the night alone

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I think I’m doing a little better today. Trying to get over catastrophic/ doom and gloom thinking… racing thoughts… panic attacks… an odd hit of unfocused hyperactivity… and other head circus gifts that are trying resurface.

This is when I feel like a little kid in the worst way. Other people can spend the night alone. They don’t go to pieces when they are left to their own devices. I’m going to be alone for a few days… in theory.

I’m going to have to try and be alone, but I bet I’ll panic and run to my parent’s house. This was a hard morning for me. I admit it… both my sis and I got a bit teary when she was packing and getting ready to leave. :cry:

My sis and Mom are doing a road trip to get to a cousins wedding. They left a few hours ago before sunrise to get well out of Seattle before morning traffic.

It’s just the two of them, driving down to San Diego. It’s a very rare thing not to have my sis around. I don’t like it. I did everything I could to try and go with them. But Mom said No, it’s a mother/ daughter thing.

It’s almost a 20 hour drive and a 2 and a half hour flight. So on the 29th, I’m flying with my Dad and other family.

I’ve been having panic attacks about the thought of them driving and getting in a horrendous car crash, the plane crashing, the family thing getting too big and having a break and ruining my cousins wedding. I’ve been high anxiety about almost every detail on this one. I’ve been having mood swings and panic attacks almost everyday lately. My med doses got increased last week. I’m feeling more stable today. I don’t feel so wobbly.

I do feel a bit more tired and a bit more numbed out and still sort of floaty. I do feel slower and less talkative. But it’s not really doing anything for the racing thoughts and the anxiety. I have figured out that the last week in June and the first week in July have always been the very hardest on me, year after year.

I know I’m jumping and rambling. I know it’s so much harder to keep my mind on a sentence and finish it properly. If my post get a little jumble and odd, I apologize in advance.

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I was once in San Diego, when I drove my auto from Miami to Los Angeles, it was quite hot there in August. It was fun.

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It was funny when I drove my auto there. My radiator leaked and I had to have bottles of water with me to refill this leaking radiator. When I left Los Angeles, this radiator totally broke just before I was heading to Mojave Desert and fortunately there was an auto repair place and I got a new radiator. If I had had this radiator to break in the desert, I would have been in some serious trouble.

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I was a kind of lucky when my radiator broke before Mojave Desert, because I was able to listen on my car radio the Democratic National Congress when Al Gore was chosen to be the presidential candidate of Democrats in Los Angeles in August 2000 and then later I went to the last political event of Al Gore in Nov 2000 in Miami Beach. Al Gore lost. The world would be different if he had won.

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Chances are J, that your sis and Mom will be just fine, keep placing positive thoughts and positive mantras in your head, Avoid the news programs and think and do light happy, positive things. My biggest problem too is being alone in the house. I can go to the stores or out on my own, there is something about being alone in the house that amps up my anxiety/paranoia. But it is all in my head. The reality of it and the fantasy gets blurred. You will be just fine - keep busy, listen to soothing positive music, stay online, stay social online or on the phone and try to take it easy - you will be fine :sunny:

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It’s okay, you can get through this! I also don’t like spending the night alone, my head goes loopdy-loops and plays all sort of cruel tricks on me. I can empathise with how you are feeling.

Maybe you should do something nice for yourself? Have a bath, read a favourite book, listen to some music that relaxes you and remember grounding. If you head circus says something challenge it, look around you, think of a colour and find all the things in your immediate environment with that colour, do deep breathing or controlled breathing (in, hold for three, out, hold for three and so on- you can alter this to suit you, so more or less), do you have anything that comforts you? Just surround yourself with things you’ve found over the years and use them, use them any moment you can.

If you need to go to your parents house, don’t feel like you’re chickening out, you’re not, you are just accepting that this isn’t a time and place you can be alone for long periods of time, that’s okay, maybe it’s something you need to build up to rather than sudden jolts of being alone? You aren’t alone in this, I struggle being alone for the day. Do you think maybe going out for a safe walk in a place you know well could help? Or do you have somewhere safe you could sit away from the house, so you aren’t feeling that overwhelming feeling that you are on your own? Like I sit in my garden (I’m not sure if you have one?) it doesn’t have to be far from your home, so if it gets too much, you can easily return.

Just try to make it easy on yourself, If you need to go to your parents; go! It’s a sensible decision, to prevent distress on all counts. If you find yourself catastrophising do some deep breaths, talk it through either on here or with your dad etc I find myself doing the same thing, I try to distract, are you allowed to call or text either your mum or your sis to see if they are okay? And as for the plane crashing, think that they are well checked and the staff on board know what to do in an emergency, it doesn’t necessarily help but it can reassure.

I have faith you’ll get through this, you helped me through my time alone so I’ll try and do my best to help you.
Take care,
Meg.

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@Dante13 & @Wave Thank you for this. I’m trying to keep calm. It’s frustrating that something as simple as being alone in my own place for over night cues the circus music. In the day, I’m fine. At night… alone? It’s so irritating.

My sis said she would keep the “tracker” on her iphone on so my other brother who is more tech savvy then I am can just look up where they are. I am allowed to call, but I can only call three times a day.

Mom and the sis are going to take it easy and not rush and push it. They have plans to stop for the night and make it a unhurried drive.

Yes, tonight I am going to end up at my Dads. He figured I’d be having a hard time so it’s dinner and scrabble over at home nest.

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Thats cool J, believe me I totally understand, I really am unable to spend the night alone in my own home, I have difficulty just for a few hours - this is my biggest hurdle. But as I see it, I am able to go to the post office, supermarket, get gas on my own, so there are positives and improvement in other areas. Nothing in this world is perfect.
Look at your positive achievements and hold on to them, and in the future you can work out the being alone in your home issue at your own pace. It is cool that you will be spending some time with your Dad, and try not to be so hard on yourself, I am trying not to be so critical of myself also

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I am almost always alone, I am a loner and this has been so long time, my meds prevent those voices and I am currently happy where I am. Maybe it is just a symptom of my psz that I am so much alone. Well, I have a lot of time to write here. :smile:

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Does having the radio on for company help you?

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Uh maybe its the summer solstice making your symptoms worse? You said

and those are the longest days of the year

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i would not be so hard on your self…
muggles are scared of the dark, scared of crowds, scared of heights, scared of the house being repossesed, they are…scared of their own shadow !?!
the fact is you are smart enough to recognise you are having a hard time, and you have ( because you are a smart person ) put a strategy in place to compensate for it…that is what intelligent people do.
it is good for your sister and mother to spend time together, they will be fine.
and as for flying, it is a very safe way of travelling.
take care

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Hope you have a good game of scrabble with your dad. Not wanting to be home alone is common. Don’t be hard on yourself.

I know that you have been having a tough time. Sorry I haven’t been around much.

Your mom and sis will be fine. I’m guessing this will be a good bonding time for them.

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It’s morning now, staying at the family nest helped. I’ll be staying there tonight and then we fly out.

@77nick77 I tried the radio, it didn’t help as much as I hoped it would. It kept cutting in and out. I was hoping to have my girlfriend stay with me, but she had a family obligation too so she couldn’t be around.

@mortimermouse Yeah… I know that the longer days have been adding to the hyperactivity. Also, I always get a bit panicky around the 4th of July.

@darksith I remember that you know how to fly a plane. If you got any hints for a big chicken like me who has always been afraid of flying… I try to be logical, but I just have a fear of flying… and airport chaos.

These next few days are either going to be my biggest accomplishment, or the week I fully break. I’m working toward the first option.

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You shouldn’t feel bad you are unable to spend nights alone just yet, considering what you’ve been through then I’d say you’re doing well, these things take time, don’t be so hard on yourself.

I think being at your dads is a good idea, it’s not a sign of weakness, in fact it’s a sign of strength, you acknowledged it would be hard and then you managed a way of making it less hard on yourself.

Keep focusing that this will be an achievement and it will, try and think the positive, you’re already half way there thinking of strategies to help yourself :blush:!

Keep going, post here as often as you would like,
Go steady,
Meg.

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Got a morning call from my Sis. My Mom and Sis are taking the pacific coast highway 1 so they can take it a bit casual and thus far no problems, no danger. It’s a good drive along the coast. They stop every few hours and get out and enjoy the views…

So far everyone is safe. (These are not my sisters photos, these are photos of pacific coast highway my sis put on my desk top to calm me down. She told me the lighthouse is Pigeon Point that is now a B&B. She finally gets to sleep in a lighthouse.)

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enjoy the pictures they sent and realize all is going well for them…and it will go well for you also…try to concentrate of the positive and pamper yourself…sending you strength…hang tough

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Best of luck to you on your trip. Just remember all your close family members who dearly love you will be there and will be looking out for you. I’m sure you, your Mom & Sis will come up with some "escape’ plans when all the people interactions become too much.

The scenery is beautiful in San Diego (Hubs and I vacationed there a few years back and absolutely loved it) so hopefully you will be able to get in some relaxation and enjoy it as best you can. I’m rooting for you :wink:

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make sure you take your meds
have a plan before you go to the airport.
wear calming , comfortable clothes, colours you like.
chewing gum… for the ears when you take off and land…also occupies the mind …
in the airport and in flight, a good book to read…that will occupy your time.
make sure you have everything ready at the airport , tickets…passport?..
don’t look at people, maybe wear sunnies at the airport…everyone will think you are a rock star.
don’t lose sight of your family…it will make you feel more comfortable.
flying is very safe form of travel.
you may not have a choice but you may want to sit nearest the aisle or the window seat ?
or between your family members ?
if you get turbulance, which planes try to avoid, remember it is like hitting a pot hole in the road,
it is just a little bump in the air.
hope this helps.
take care.
p.s lavender oil on your wrist or rescue remedy is good to calm you,
but you will be fine.

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@darksith Thank you for all the info. There are some things I didn’t think of. I’m also leaving in the evening. So it’s not a prime hour and the airport should be less busy. We’re departing from a smaller airport too.

Thank you for the lavender oil idea too.

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