But I have no choice, I’m only alone for one night and until tomorrow afternoon but I’m already feeling the burden of being alone, my heart is pounding and I have a headache. I’ve been reassuring my mum for the past few days but now she’s gone I feel terribly alone and scared, I’m worried about her scared she’ll never return because spies will get a hold of her.
Or they’ll come an get me in my sleep. They’ve been up to something.
The clarity I’ve had these past few weeks is fading… My dog is whining and that’s not helping, he knows something is up, I need to keep it together for my exam.
I feel so stupid. I feel so very young in this moment and my 21 year old self is trying to get me to buck up but I’m just wanting to retreat, sleep until I know she’s home safe. The panic didn’t descend until I was saying goodbye.
I don’t know what to do… How do I cope? How do I keep grounded without letting the silence allow voices to come, I think it’s a bit inevitable they will but I don’t want them to consume me. I don’t want thoughts to consume me. I just want it over.
I just want to grow up, I don’t want this, I want to be able to cope with something as simple as being left alone. I feel ridiculous!