Schizophrenia.com

I don't want to be alone

#1

But I have no choice, I’m only alone for one night and until tomorrow afternoon but I’m already feeling the burden of being alone, my heart is pounding and I have a headache. I’ve been reassuring my mum for the past few days but now she’s gone I feel terribly alone and scared, I’m worried about her scared she’ll never return because spies will get a hold of her.

Or they’ll come an get me in my sleep. They’ve been up to something.

The clarity I’ve had these past few weeks is fading… My dog is whining and that’s not helping, he knows something is up, I need to keep it together for my exam.

I feel so stupid. I feel so very young in this moment and my 21 year old self is trying to get me to buck up but I’m just wanting to retreat, sleep until I know she’s home safe. The panic didn’t descend until I was saying goodbye.

I don’t know what to do… How do I cope? How do I keep grounded without letting the silence allow voices to come, I think it’s a bit inevitable they will but I don’t want them to consume me. I don’t want thoughts to consume me. I just want it over.

I just want to grow up, I don’t want this, I want to be able to cope with something as simple as being left alone. I feel ridiculous!

Any tips?

Take care,
Meg.

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#2

Your dog may be whining because he is sensing that you are upset.

Have you tried putting on some music? Maybe an ipod or MP3 player. Make a tea or hot chocolate and curl up on the couch with a blanket and your dog at your feet. Try your best to reassure yourself that you are safe. Do some meditating breathing and once you get yourself calm then try reading a favorite book. It’s ok to not want to be left alone. You can make it through this. Have faith in yourself.

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#3

I’ve been right there too. Reassuring that “hey, it’s only one night, how bad could it be” Then as my family drives away, I fall apart.

To keep myself from going into a full blown panic attack and really sliding back I do take a bath with some music on. I don’t watch T.V. or look at the news because any little tiny bad news just sets me off. When I’m like that I also don’t go outside. I don’t want to freak out in the dark outside.

I do make some tea and read for a bit with music on. I will try drawing and hopefully loose track of time. I will also go to bed.

Don’t feel ridiculous about this. It’s common to be anxious about this. I know some people who are not SZ and they also get very upset about being left alone. Being alone isn’t simple. It’s rather hard. Every little noise turns into something big.

Your not just dealing with you being alone, your also hoping your Mom is safe while she’s away. That is a huge thing. Be kind to yourself and take it easy and don’t beat yourself up about this.

Last time my sis was away I tried scrubbing the entire bathroom and hovering the flat and dusting. That way I was tired enough to sleep and I was surprising my sis so she didn’t have to clean when she got home. She was so surprised and happy to walk into a clean flat.

It was nice seeing that smile.

Good luck and I’m rooting for you. The biggest tip I have is be patient with yourself. This illness creates mountains out of mole hills. Anxiety is big part of our day.

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#4

I remember when my husband was in hospital, how alone I felt being at home without him. Its just the two of us, and the difference between a home and a house is his presence. It is so hard being alone, what I usually do is read and listen to music, and go on internet. Or clean the house. You have a dog with you, so that should be a comfort. Pets make life less lonely. When my husband was in hospital, I brought the budgie’s cage upstairs into our bedroom and talked to him. It made things a little better.
Good luck!

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#5

@Dante13 do not feel bad or ashamed that you have a difficult time, staying home alone. I mysef have a difficult time with staying home alone for even short periods of time - I have many different SZ and bipolar symptoms - I have severe anxiety, it is normal to feel this way. It is not our fault that our brains were hard wired this way. Plenty of non SZ people feel uncomfortable with staying home alone. After all, humans are social animals

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#6

Thank you everyone, this means a lot, I’m glad I’m not the only one who has difficulty when facing times alone. I have done some of your suggestions, I’ve had a long shower, got classical music on, cuddled with my dog and had a nap even though it was only after an hour or so after waking up. Im feeling more human but am scared for tonight, I also haven’t heard from my mum as to whether she’s there yet I’m trying not to over think why she hasn’t replied I’m hoping she’s just not heard her phone go, I’m trying not to let my mind get sinister. I fear her death so much, this happened just before I got ill, I find myself crying as if she were already gone. But I’ve only cried once today.

At the moment I’m just reading my book, a happy book, a story of hope and about a man and his cat; it’s distracting me whilst my dog lay snoring, in a bit it will be time to take him for a walk we don’t go far as he has a torn ligament and is very slow. I’m more scared than usual to go out, if it escalates I’ll just play with him in the garden until he’s worn out, I’m avoiding too much stress.

Thank you all for the helpful replies, it means so much to be understood and to not be called a child like I was thinking earlier. It helps to not be so alone.

I hope your day is allowing you all to cope as best as possible.
Take care,
Meg.

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#7

Just keep telling yourself that she can’t drive and talk on the mobile… that is dangerous. So she might not call back until a bit later.

I was going to add… don’t read sad books, but you already got that one.

I’ve panicked when my sis isn’t home from work on time… only to find she stopped off at the market to get some milk and bread. Sometimes I’m reading on here, and she’s home before I know it.

But taking it easy, staying calm and knowing that your not the only one who hates being alone helps a lot. I’m a bit worried about next week. My sisters swim team is going out of town for the day. It’s an away meet. All Saturday. Hopefully, since it’s during the day, I can hang out with my parents.

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#8

You’re doing it. You’re handling it. Just keep on distracting yourself. Amid the suggestions people made I would recommend YouTube as a distraction.There’s tons of funny of interesting things on there. Did you know that YouTube has MANY entire movies you can watch? You can kill an hour easily this way.

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#9

Let me tell you something @Dante13 - next week, my folks will be going on a trip without me. My aunt will be spending the week with me, because my anxiety/paranoia is pretty great. Yes I sometimes feel like a child, but I know that my severe mental illness comes with some limitations. My therapist told me to keep busy doing small things, sitting outside for a bit, looking at nature, keeping busy on this site or on the computer, keep on reassuring yourself with positve thoughts - telling yourself “I will be fine” watching comedy shows that you like on tv - knowing that cell phones exist will reassure you. Yes, you are not alone. I am going to send you positive thoughts :smiley:

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#10

Thank you, I’m watching YouTube videos right now! I used to watch YouTube all the time when I was younger but seemed to stop but today it is reborn thanks!

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#11

Thank you for the positive thoughts, my mum rang earlier and said I’m 21 I should be okay alone but retracted quite quickly as if she remembered what I’m burdened with I hate it when she reminds me of that, I know I’m 21 I should be off in the world and free but I got it all taken away before I could develop that sense of independence. I was remembering I went to a city on the train by myself before I got ill I wouldn’t have that confidence right now. I fear so much for both of us. At the moment I’m wide awake and scared of who might be surrounding my house or where my mum is staying. She’s on the top floor whilst my aunt isn’t and I’m worried she’ll get taken.

I’m glad I’m not alone, it really does help as when I observe the lives of those my age or even younger I feel very alone, so thank you. It’s good your aunt can stay with you, I hope she helps!

Take care,
Meg.

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#12

Maybe this is a good opportunity for you to get used to being alone. I have to spend most my days completely isolated. In part because of the disease part because of having limited friends and I don’t want to overburden them. I’m sure your mother will be fine. Just try to relax it’ll all be over soon. Maybe you develop some coping mechanisms.

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#13

lots of good advice written above…just know that there are lots of thoughts with you…order a pizza tonight ,have some wine if you are allowed to have it,keep all the lights on…watch a favorite show…and keep telling yourself lots of people care how it is going for you…sending blessings… and an extra watch dog !!!

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#14

You are not alone-we are all here with you**OXo

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#15

online gaming and dip (tobacco you stick in your gums) was how I coped with loneliness back in the day. Now I am not lonely.

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