On thoughts of death

They are a part of life. I have some nights where I can’t escape them. So I invite them in and get familiar with them. Part of me longs for the end. Most of me wants to stay alive just to see. I’m entitled to a simple life now. That is thanks to SZ. To bad the voices never give up and keep me thinking about bs that I don’t have the time for any more. It just sucks to have a bad day. I gotta keep myself busy its the only way to quiet the voices. I’ve tried letting them just run their course, but they rage on with no end. We are biologically imperfect creatures. That there has been no widespread mechanism embedded within us to heal from these events. It truly is a taker of life. I now live in this world unable to relate to anyone, with no one knowing the extent of what i’ve been through. It’s just so awkward and disappointing. I’m just being negative, but as long as I keep typing the voices are quiet. Time for more coffee and maybe a smoke. Got therapy today. Fight the good fight yall. Maybe in the next couple decades they’ll make a lot more progress into understanding the brain and then comes up with better strategies of combating this supernatural seeming illness. At least I live in the real world now. There is no telepathy, but what I experienced really ■■■■■■ me up.

Can you hate without guilt, Bryan? Because the voices go away when I can. Like this morning, the dogs came charging into the bathroom when I was on the toilet and it really made me mad. I mean I HATED them. The feelings passed and I bare no shame. I do think that when one can’t get mad at someone freely, it invites the voices to plague you.

Interesting. Not feeling guilt is a large part of establishing a stronger mind. When i was in that telepathic bs, I felt guilty about everything. Even the smallest thoughts. Luckily its something that wore out on me, and I find myself not giving an F. It is more important to just keep rolling and try to clean up your mind as you go.

death isallways on the burner, its like leftovers

I like that. And I do believe at least in some cases it IS a supernatural phenomenon.
Ozzy’s Diary of a madman says it well, though he’s talking mainly about bipolar…

Screaming at the window
Watch me die another day
Hopeless situation
Endless price I have to pay

Sanity now it’s beyond me
There’s no choice

Diary of a madman
Walk the line again today
Entries of confusion
Dear diary, I’m here to stay

**Manic depression befriends me
Hear his voice
Sanity now it’s beyond me
There’s no choice

A sickened mind and spirit
The mirror tells me lies
Could I mistake myself for someone
Who lives behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul
Or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out
Or trying to enter me?

Voices in the darkness
Scream away my mental health
Can I ask a question
To help me save me from myself?

Enemies fill up the pages
Are they me
Monday 'till Sunday in stages
Set me free

I’m getting to the age where I can see down the road to death. In a way, it is a relief to me, but that might change as death gets nearer.

i have thoughts of death being imminent but then sometimes i look at things and think no, i’m wrong. truth is you just don’t know when you are gonna go. all you can hope for is that it’s quick i guess. i think that if i do die it will be because of an out of body experiencer killing me with either heart attack, stroke, choking or brain heamorrage, simply because i know too much.

I have reached the middle of the road - from this moment on it will only bring me closer to the inevitable - death.
Lately I have been doing a lot of deep thinking, and you know what - we cant escape death. It is going to happen - no matter what. I mean I can have all the tests done to me - my current family doctor who I absolutely love, wants me to take all kinds of tests - check this organ and that organ - taking preventative precautions.
I can walk out of the doctors office with a clean bill of health - only to be run over by a car - I mean I am not going to spend my life worrying about something I have little to no control over

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Yeah being on respiridone is probably part of my problem. Low motivation and focus. I’ll probably finish this year out on the same meds though. The last time I did a med change the suicidal thoughts were even worse.

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Yeah, thanks for the response. I just feel so strung out. Gotta get back to programming computers. I think I might have potential in that arena and it would serve as a distraction and a platform to accomplish something. I just wish there was a library in c that would allow you to manipulate individual pixels of the screen, but no it’s all hidden behind Apis and a bunch of other ■■■■■■■■. I wish keeping it simple was a more dominant paradigm.

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EEk! Don’t say that !
I had a nuclear dream a couple nights ago and we didn’t go in the shelter. The shock wave carrying radiation hit the building…the wave only shook the building and dust came in since we were so far away from ground zero, but I knew radiation exposure was inescapable.
I have had several few nuke dreams over the years going back to 1983 and always survive them. I always end up in a post apocalyptic world. I have seen radiation mutants, burnt out cities. The smell is awful. The decay of flesh is dreadful.

I have an issue with recurring dreams I have had over the years like that…because 2 of them have actually happened…

Now i have to pray to God to intervene in the minds of anyone thinking of using a nuke :frowning:

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I have a buddy who plays Battlefield. When we’re skyping all I hear is him yelling about dying. It’s funny as hell. He likes the game, he’s just not that good. :smiling_imp:

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Many more must pray too, as well as act, or rather, NOT act.

Actually the day after my dream I heard on the news a bunch of military people who were in charge of nukes got fired for all kinds of misbehavior, but it was the drug use that concerned me…people on drugs working at nuclear missile sites… I was like " Are THESE the people in charge of our nukes? Scary!"

http://www.airforcetimes.com/article/20141030/NEWS/310300061/15-Air-Force-officers-discharged-after-cheating

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